Chapter 8
Zoe closed her office door and headed to the surgery kitchen for lunch. On her way through reception, she saw Lavender talking to Fern, who was rocking Benji in a pram.
‘Hello!’ Zoe said as she went over. ‘Everything all right? You’ve come to see the doctor?’
‘I’ve come to see you,’ Fern said, and Zoe frowned.
‘But we don’t have—’
‘There’s nothing wrong,’ Fern added quickly. ‘I know you have your lunch now, but I was hoping to talk to you. I wouldn’t take long.’
‘Sounds like it’s important,’ Zoe replied, glancing to her side to note that Lavender was listening with a little too much interest. ‘You want to come to my office?’
‘I’ll leave you to it,’ Lavender said, clearly realising she’d been rumbled. ‘I was about to bring Fern through to you when you came out anyway.’
‘Thanks, Lavender,’ Zoe said. She beckoned Fern to follow her.
‘You’re out later on home visits, aren’t you?’ Lavender called after her.
‘Yes.’
‘Leave your room unlocked. I’m going to put the Christmas decs up while you’re missing!’
Zoe held a brief hand up to show she’d understood, and let Fern follow her in and then shut the door. ‘I’m all yours. What did you want to talk to me about?’
‘I’ve been thinking loads about our conversation at the house when Billie came over with you, and I really want to become a midwife.
I know it’s going to be hard, and I’m not sure I’ll be clever enough, and I have Benji to think about, but I sort of want to do it for him too.
I want a good job, so I can give him all the things he needs, and I want him to be proud of me. ’
Zoe’s face lit in a broad smile. ‘It’s amazing that you’re so keen!
We can never have too many midwives! You’re right, there’s a lot to take into account.
The training is hard and long, and you’ll be away from Benji more than you’d like – there’s no getting away from that.
What will you do for childcare? – that’s the first thing to consider.
You’ve missed the student intake for this year, I’m afraid. ’
‘I read that online.’
‘You’ll need some basic qualifications to get on the course, and even then, it’s really competitive these days. But if anyone can cope with all that, it’s you.’
‘I read about those too,’ Fern said. ‘I’d have to go to college first to get them, but I looked at one that’s not too far away, and they have a creche so I can go to the classes and leave Benji with them.
I read I can get a bursary too because I’m a single mum.
I read loads of stuff about it online, but I wanted to talk to you.
Do you think I could do it? Do you think I’m clever enough? ’
‘Of course you are!’ Zoe perched on the edge of the desk, her face still lit by a broad smile. ‘More than clever enough.’
‘You don’t think I’m silly for wanting to do it then?’
‘Not at all. I can’t say it’s not tough.
It’s not always nice either. Most births are lovely occasions; some are terrible when they go badly.
’ Zoe’s mind wandered to some of the women she’d often felt she’d failed, even though, in her rational moments, she knew there was little she could have done to alter the course of events.
When she’d first started her job in Thimblebury, one of her mums had miscarried, and Zoe had been devasted about it.
And there were always ongoing worries, like Rachel, who’d come to her clinic appointment already prematurely in labour.
Even now, her baby was still in an incubator, fighting to live.
‘You’ll cry yourself to sleep more than once until you get used to those days.
Whether you can cope with that is the bigger question than whether you’re clever enough to train. ’
‘I don’t know,’ Fern said. ‘I might get upset sometimes, but I still want to try. I want to help people.’
‘That’ – Zoe’s smile spread – ‘tells me you are taking it seriously. That’s actually the answer I was hoping to hear.’
‘Could I do some visits with you, just to see what it’s like?’
Zoe’s smile slipped. ‘Sorry… I’m pretty sure that, until you’re an official trainee, it’s not allowed.
It’s not a rule I’ve had to reference for a long time, so I’ll double-check just in case.
In the meantime, there is information online for aspiring midwives – I worked with someone a few years back, and I remember she was putting the website together.
There are courses to get you ready to apply for the training, not just academic but some that build your confidence too.
I’ll see what I can dig up, if you like.
How about we go for lunch sometime next weekend?
I’ll bring what I’ve found, and we can chat more. ’
‘I’d love that!’ Fern beamed, and the wire-taut angles of her limbs relaxed as she did. ‘Maisie might want to come… is that all right?’
‘Of course. We’re not discussing anything confidential, are we? She knows about your interest.’
‘Oh, yes. She’s excited for me. I thought maybe she’d be interested too, but she likes the work she can do from home, so…’
‘I imagine she’s preoccupied with Ezra too. It’s going to be different for her with his disability.’
Fern nodded. ‘Where do you want to go? It’s just that the buses—’
‘Don’t be daft. I’ll pick you up! Where would you like to go? The world’s your oyster… as long as it’s within ten miles of Thimblebury…’
‘I don’t mind,’ Fern said. ‘Somewhere quite cheap, I suppose, if that’s OK.’
‘Don’t worry about that. Let me check with Alex and Billie what their plans for the weekend are, and then I can give you a day and time. Is that OK?’
‘Will Billie be coming?’ Fern asked.
Zoe detected the faint note of doubt in her voice. It had been there in the beginning but had cleared as the conversation had progressed. Now it was back, and it was telling that the question of Billie’s coming to their lunch seemed to have revived it.
‘I don’t know that she’d want to. She might. Would it be a problem if she did?’
‘No,’ Fern said, but Zoe could tell it wasn’t what she meant. ‘So should I definitely ask Maisie too then? Will it be all of us?’
Zoe was thoughtful for a moment. ‘Maybe we will make it just us two. If we explain why we’re meeting up and that we have to stay on the subject, I’m sure Billie and Maisie will understand.
The trouble with it being all of us is that it will be easy to get sidetracked into general gossip, and we’re meeting for a purpose, aren’t we? ’
Fern nodded again, more eagerly this time, seemingly soothed by Zoe’s suggestion.
‘Great,’ Zoe said. ‘I’ll text you. Are you going straight back home now?’
‘Yes.’
‘Do you want a lift?’
‘It’s all right. It’s your lunchtime, and there’s a bus in ten minutes. I can get that. Thank you.’
‘Thank you!’ Zoe smiled as she got up. ‘It’s exciting to know you’re interested in becoming a midwife. I think you’ll be brilliant if you decide to go for it.’
Zoe saw Fern out, and reflected on how much she’d felt her parting statement, more than she could express.
She’d developed a kind of pride in some of the young women she’d cared for during their pregnancies, and for those like Fern and Maisie, it could never be overstated.
They’d both overcome so much on their journey so far, and Zoe liked to think she’d helped in some small way.
She was excited to see where their lives took them, hopeful it would be somewhere good because somewhere good was what they deserved.
Zoe walked into the field, hopeful she’d be allowed to visit the newest member of Victor’s alpaca family.
The sun had long set, and Alex had wanted to walk with her, but Zoe had persuaded him, with a quiet aside, that she ought to take Billie instead.
Billie’s seeming disinterest in Dandelion’s cria was ringing alarm bells for Zoe.
She couldn’t be sure, but she wanted to see for herself that there were no signs that the mental health issues Billie had suffered with after the birth of Louisa had returned.
‘Are you sure you’ll be able to put her to bed?’
Billie had seemed sceptical when Alex had offered to take care of Louisa while she and Zoe went to Daffodil Farm.
‘Bill…’ Alex had ushered her to the door, Louisa gurgling in his arms. ‘I used to put you to bed on the regular, and you turned out OK, didn’t you?’
‘Yes, but that was ages ago.’
‘And I’m sure it can’t have changed that much.’
‘She needs her cloth square…’ Billie had continued to fuss as she got her coat on. ‘But not where she can get it over her face. Tie it to the bars of her cot… but where she can reach it so she can hold on. But make sure she can’t get it too close… and then she wants her dummy, and—’
‘They’ll be fine.’ Zoe had smiled, leading Billie out.
She’d almost been able to detect the sigh as the responsibility left Billie’s shoulders the minute they went through the garden gate.
The younger woman placed a huge amount of pressure on herself to do everything right for her daughter, and sometimes Zoe wondered if she was too hard on herself.
The conversation as they crossed the fields briefly turned to Christmas events in the village.
Zoe asked what Billie was most looking forward to, but she merely answered with a shrug that Zoe only saw the outline of in the gloom.
They had a large torch, the beam sweeping across the ground ahead to make sure nobody turned an ankle, and occasionally Zoe would catch a dark shape flitting away from the light.
The air was frosted, colder and drier than it had been in previous weeks, and it finally felt as if the weather was going to become as festive as the season demanded.