Chapter 11 #2
Benji stirred in his pram, and she leaned in and replaced the dummy that had fallen from his mouth.
‘He’s so good,’ Zoe said, gazing into the pram at the little boy’s perfect features.
Fern’s sudden shrewd look threw her off guard when she noticed it.
‘I’m all right,’ she said in answer to the question she thought might be coming. ‘People don’t have to keep worrying about me every time I coo over a baby. I love babies and children, but I’m fine with not having any.’
‘Don’t you think you’ll ever have one? I know you had a miscarriage, but don’t you want to try again?’
Zoe shook her head. ‘Not at the moment. To be honest, I’m afraid my time might be up.
’ Zoe took a breath and decided, since Fern was being so open with her, it was time to repay the courtesy.
‘I’ve been diagnosed with some fertility issues…
actually, quite big ones. I don’t think I’ll be able to have one now. ’
‘Oh my God, Zoe! That’s so sad!’
‘It’s OK. It’s also partly my choice… sort of.
I made the decision I didn’t want to go through endless fertility treatments.
I want to get on with my life now as it is.
I’m happy, I have Alex and Billie and Louisa and a job I love, and that’s all I need.
’ Zoe was thoughtful for a moment, almost as a distraction from the pity in Fern’s expression.
She didn’t want the pity. She hated to see it.
‘I wish Billie would find something she wants to do, like you have.’
Without hesitation, Fern understood. She didn’t pursue Zoe’s admission and instead turned her attention to the new topic. ‘What’s she into?’
‘That’s just it – I have no clue, not really.
I know what she enjoys from day to day, hobbies and such, but I have no clue what her ambitions are, what sort of vocation she feels a pull to.
I think she’s been so focused on Louisa – we all have – that she’s never really talked about it, not to me at any rate.
I have a suspicion that, if she’d had a choice, or if she’d been more conscious that she did have a choice back when her dad was planning the move to Hilltop, she’d have told him she didn’t want to live there. ’
Fern’s eyes widened. ‘Seriously? But it’s gorgeous! I’d kill to live somewhere like that!’
‘Billie had a very different set of choices to what you’ve had. Perhaps if you’d had those, you would have decided you didn’t want to live in the Lakes.’
‘No way.’
‘You can’t deny it’s quiet and there isn’t a lot of opportunity for people your age.’
‘There’s loads if you’re not picky – you just have to go out and find it. Me and Maisie are doing all right; we’re happy.’
Zoe didn’t draw attention to the fact that Fern’s assertion said more than perhaps she’d intended about her views on Billie.
‘And that’s great, but, again, Billie’s experiences are very different to yours.
You know her boyfriend – Louisa’s dad – was killed before she’d even found out she was pregnant? ’
‘Yeah, Maisie told me about that. She said Billie was way worse when she first moved here than she is now.’
‘She’s definitely brighter these days.’
‘So you don’t think she’d want to train as a midwife? We could do the classes together. It might be nice.’
‘I’d love to think that she might, but I doubt it. I’ve probably put her off, going on about work all the time,’ Zoe added with a light laugh.
Fern folded a slice of pizza into her mouth and began to chew thoughtfully.
‘She never wants to come out with us. Maisie’s asked her loads of times.
I get it, there’s not much to do, but we could get on a bus and go into town and go to a bar or whatever.
I know you’d babysit… I mean…’ Fern blushed.
‘I didn’t mean you’d babysit for all of us, only Billie… ’
‘Babysitting for all three of you… I can’t decide if that’s my idea of heaven or hell! I’d have to let you know after the event!’
‘Anyway, Billie always says she’ll think about it, or maybe, or just no. I sometimes think she doesn’t like me much because I took Maisie away from her, but I didn’t mean to. It was just the house came up, and Maisie needed somewhere to live, and I wanted to share with someone…’
‘I know, and Billie knows that too. I don’t think she’s got a problem with you. I wonder if she’s got a problem with her life here in general.’ Zoe reached for her water, wondering if she’d said too much. ‘Anyway,’ she continued, ‘let me find Mags’s email address for you…’
Louisa was in her playpen, joyfully smashing various toys into the ground while Alex and Billie were putting baubles on the tree.
‘We didn’t think you’d mind if we made a start,’ Alex said. ‘If we don’t get this lot up now, it’s going to be Christmas Eve and then time to take them all down again.’
‘I don’t mind at all.’ Zoe smoothed the coat hanging over her arm. ‘I’m going to get changed anyway. My clothes smell a bit.’
‘What do they smell of?’ Billie asked with a frown.
‘Oh, you know, the restaurant. Some fabrics just trap it, don’t they?’
‘You had a nice time with Fern?’ Billie asked.
Zoe looked to see her concentrating very deliberately on the placing of a glass snowflake. Perhaps she didn’t want to give whatever she was thinking away.
‘I did. We got a lot done.’
‘So she’s definitely going to do it?’
‘I think so. She certainly seems keen, and she’s done plenty of research of her own.’
‘That’s good.’ Once again, Billie didn’t make eye contact with Zoe, and her tone was neutral as she dug into the box of baubles for another. ‘It’s good she gets to do something she wants.’
‘She certainly hasn’t had an easy journey, though,’ Zoe reminded her.
‘None of us have.’
Zoe couldn’t argue with that.
‘The tree looks great,’ she said instead. ‘I can help if you want, once I’ve got changed.’
‘I think we’re good,’ Alex said. ‘But you can help with the rest once we’ve done the tree. I was going to put some lights up outside on the trees.’
‘I can do that. Shall we have a cup of tea first?’
‘It’ll be dark soon – best to get it done. We can have tea after… In fact, we can crack open the wine if you like… It’s the weekend – might as well make the most of it.’
Louisa let out a shriek, as if to remind them she was still there and hadn’t had a scrap of attention for the last couple of minutes.
Grizzle was in his basket, looking as if he felt quite sorry for himself after being sent back by Alex on Zoe’s arrival.
She wondered whether to offer to walk him, but as she glanced at the window, she realised Alex was right – the light was fading, and soon the sun would be below the horizon.
If they wanted to get the trees in the garden decorated, they’d have to do it soon.
‘Sorry, Griz,’ she said as she passed him on the way to pick Louisa up. ‘Your W.A.L.K. will have to wait.’
‘She’s all right there,’ Billie said, more sharply now. Zoe paused, stung by the tone, and then nodded. ‘Sorry, I just thought… because you were busy.’
Alex looked sharply at his daughter.
‘I wasn’t being funny,’ she said. ‘It’s just that she’s fine, and if Zoe picks her up, I’ll have to settle her again after.’
‘I could have taken her upstairs with me,’ Zoe said. ‘I thought it might help, that’s all.’
Perhaps Billie had realised how badly she’d come across because she went back to the box full of decorations. ‘I didn’t realise you were going to do that. You can if you want to, and I’ll take her off you when you go to help Dad outside. She’ll need her bath soon anyway.’
Zoe paused, torn, and then went to the door without the little girl. ‘You’re right – she’s happy playing, and she needs to learn to do things on her own sometimes. I’ll get a cuddle later, when we’re all done and settled down.’
As she glanced back, she noticed Billie looking awkward, and, unnoticed by her, Alex watching his daughter thoughtfully.