Chapter 16 #3
‘Do you think I shouldn’t have brought her here at all? To the Lakes, I mean?’
‘I don’t know about that, but from a selfish perspective, I’m glad you did. I wouldn’t have met you otherwise. I wouldn’t have met Billie either.’
‘That makes me feel better then because you were just the right person when she needed someone to understand her. Without you, I don’t know where either of us would have been right now.’
Zoe wasn’t sure that was true, but she didn’t argue. While the praise made her feel awkward, it also made her feel valued and wanted, and whatever the truth of it, she loved that he saw her that way.
‘So,’ he added into the gap, ‘that’s it. I’m losing her.’
‘You won’t lose her,’ Zoe said. ‘She’ll always be your Billie, even if she isn’t here.’
‘Even if she’s in Spain getting cosy with Luis’s parents? Let’s face it, a life there is probably more stable than her life here.’
‘She adores you. It doesn’t matter how cosy she gets with them – you’re her dad, and I don’t even know why you’d say her life here isn’t stable.’
‘I do my best, but I mess up. Come on – even you can’t deny that. Look at what happened with V. All that stuff with the campsite guests who wanted to sue me. That’s just a couple of things off the top of my head; there’s loads more.’
Zoe leaned over to kiss him lightly. ‘Stop it. We all mess up. Billie doesn’t think you’re a saint, but she does know you’re the best dad she could ask for.’
‘Then why does she want to leave?’
‘Because that’s what kids are supposed to do. It’s life, that’s all.’
‘Well I don’t like it.’
Zoe gave him a small smile. ‘You don’t have to like it; but you know she has to do what she wants. Did you really believe she was going to stay with you forever?’
‘No, but I thought I might have her for longer than this. We’ve barely got to know Louisa.
How is that going to work? Every time they come to visit, we’ll be like strangers to her.
I thought I was going to be the grandparent that got to watch her grow up, that I’d be the one she’d always come to, but it’s going to be them now, and I wish I didn’t feel so resentful about it, but I do. ’
Zoe pulled him into a hug. She wanted to say he’d start to feel better eventually, that they’d find a way around his fears, but it wasn’t what he wanted to hear right now.
She was sure he knew those things already because that was always the way.
Time healed, that much was true, and pain that felt raw would dull as the months and years went by, and even if Louisa did grow up not really knowing them, if it meant she had a better life, that Billie had the life that would make her happy, then Zoe knew Alex would gladly sacrifice his time with them for that.
He pulled in such a sharp and sudden breath that for one awful moment she feared he would start to cry. That was OK, except that she’d never seen him do it, and she wasn’t prepared. But he didn’t; he only held her closer, and she breathed him in and wished she could make it all better.
‘Can I make a confession?’ he asked after a moment. ‘Don’t be angry when you hear it.’
‘I won’t.’
‘You say that now…’
‘OK, now I really can’t be angry, can I?’
‘I asked Victor about buying Kestrel Cottage. And I sort of told him I wanted to.’
Zoe pulled sharply away. ‘What? How? You don’t have the money!’
‘I know, but I wanted it for Billie. I thought… I thought maybe she could live in it with Louisa, or maybe she could start her own business renting it out… I don’t know. I just thought it would make her life better. I was going to surprise her on Christmas Day.’
‘Surprise her how? You haven’t bought it yet… oh God, Alex, tell me you haven’t actually taken out a mortgage on it!’
‘Well… it hasn’t gone through yet, but I thought I could still tell her about it because it’s only a matter of paperwork, which would be done in the new year.’
Zoe went to sit down. Her head was swimming.
Hilltop didn’t belong to her, and Alex could do what he wanted with it, but she had to presume that he was using it as collateral for the mortgage on Kestrel Cottage, and if that backfired and he somehow lost them both, that would certainly affect her.
She tried not to be angry, especially as she’d promised not to, but she couldn’t help the resentment building in her that he hadn’t even thought to consult her before he’d made such a huge decision.
She was angry at herself too, for not seeing this on the cards.
She’d feared such an idea when she’d told him about Victor and Corrine wondering what to do with the house she’d once lived in, but when Alex had seemingly forgotten all about it, so had she.
She was beginning to wonder if she ought to buy him some books about managing money, rather than the ones about conservation she’d got for his Christmas box.
‘I knew you’d be angry,’ he said. ‘I’m sorry, I should have talked to you about it.’
‘It’s none of my business.’
‘You don’t really think that.’
‘I’m hurt that you didn’t discuss it with me, but I don’t have any financial claim on what’s yours, so I’m not going to tell you what you can and can’t do with your money. I just hope you know what you’re doing.’
He nodded slowly. ‘Now that we’ve heard what Billie really feels about life here, I can’t help but feel I’ve cocked up in a big way. Do you think it would make any difference to her, to know she could have Kestrel Cottage?’
Zoe looked up at him. ‘Honestly? I suspect she’d be even angrier than she is right now. You’ve got to stop assuming you know what she wants. Billie will decide what she wants, and if she needs your help, she’ll say so. How far along is the sale?’
‘Well, I’ve only told Victor I’m interested and applied for the mortgage. Should I put the brakes on?’
Zoe gave a helpless shrug. ‘At this point, I don’t know what to think.
Maybe she would see it as an opportunity.
Maybe I’m wrong about how she’d react. My biggest worry is where you’re going to find the payments.
And Billie isn’t daft – she knows your financial situation, and she’ll be thinking the same thing.
She wouldn’t want you to struggle on her behalf, and she would actually want to feel she’d earned whatever future she builds for herself. ’
Zoe’s thoughts went to Fern and the way Billie had reacted when she’d learned about her plans to train as a midwife.
Even when she’d heard Maisie had got a job.
She’d been dismissive, but that had so obviously been a defence because perhaps, deep down, knowing that they were at least trying to make something of their lives was somehow making Billie feel inadequate.
Zoe understood it because she would have felt the same.
‘I’ve also bought her an adult colouring book,’ Alex said into the silence. ’It’s Monet themed.’
Zoe stared at him for a second and then burst out laughing. ‘What am I going to do with you?’
‘You wouldn’t be the first person to ask that. And I don’t know. I’m an idiot, aren’t I?’
‘No, you’re a dad, doing his best. I’m sure she’ll love the colouring book.’
‘More than the house?’
‘I wouldn’t like to put money on that, but I’m sure she’d feel a whole lot less guilty about accepting it as a gift.’ Zoe stood to wrap her arms around him. ‘Let’s just concentrate on making Christmas as nice as we can and worry about all the other stuff after it’s over.’
‘You’re right. I’ll talk to her in the morning and tell her that’s what we’d like to do, and that afterwards we’ll talk seriously about her moving out to live with Luis’s parents if that’s what she really wants.’
Zoe recognised the pain it was causing him to utter such a promise, and it only made her want to hold him tight enough to chase it away.
Maybe she couldn’t do that, no matter how tight she held on, but she could tell him that she loved him and that she was proud of him.
And so, in the mellow lamplight of the silent kitchen, she offered a kiss with all those words wrapped in it.