Chapter 17 #2
‘Oh, right…’ Alex’s gaze dropped to his mug. ‘I forgot about the boat trip… There’s a reindeer farm somewhere near Bowness,’ he said, trying to brighten again. ‘Victor told me about it.’
‘We could go,’ Billie said, with the enthusiasm of someone who’d just been offered the chance to clean the bathroom. Then she looked at the window. ‘Do you think it might snow? I don’t want us to get stuck somewhere.’
‘It won’t be much if it does.’
‘Still… remember what happened last year.’
‘How could we forget?’ Zoe said with a faint smile. ‘But your dad’s right – I didn’t see much snow in the forecast, if at all. I’d love to go to a reindeer farm.’
Billie pushed her plate away. Most of her breakfast was still on it, and Alex frowned as he noticed, though he didn’t say anything. ‘I’d better get dressed then. What time do you want to go?’
‘There’s no rush,’ Alex said, glancing at Zoe. ‘Is there?’
‘None at all,’ Zoe agreed. ‘And if we are going to the carol service at the church, then that’s not until eight or something, is it? So we’ve got all day, really.’
Billie looked at Louisa, who was still happily scooping up porridge, more often with her hands than the spoon she was holding.
‘I’ll keep an eye on her while you shower,’ Zoe said. ‘If you like.’
‘OK, thanks.’
Billie left the room, and it was like a weight lifted from the atmosphere. Alex took his cup to the sink, and Zoe could stand it no longer.
‘Are either of you going to mention last night? You don’t have to discuss it in depth, but you probably ought to at least acknowledge it.’
He turned to her. ‘I’m not going to unless she does. I don’t want to ruin the day.’
‘I’m sorry, but that might already be happening.
I mean, she’s so uptight – can’t you see it?
My guess is she doesn’t dare say anything because she’s worried it will ruin your day if she does, and you’re doing the same, and we’re going around in circles, like you have been for weeks.
Isn’t that what kicked everything off yesterday – because it came to a head?
Alex, you’re going to have to talk to her. ’
‘I will, but not now. It’s Christmas Eve. That conversation can wait.’
Zoe shook her head as she wiped Louisa’s face. ‘Fine. It’s none of my business anyway.’
‘It is,’ Alex said, but when she glanced up, she saw in his face that he didn’t really think that. ‘I’m sorry you’ve been caught in the middle of it.’
‘I just hate to see you both like this, but you’re right, it’s Christmas Eve, Louisa’s first, and we should try to enjoy it.’
Louisa dropped the spoon, and it fell to the floor, but Zoe could see she’d almost eaten her breakfast anyway, so she cleaned her up, gave her a beaker of water and then scooped her out of the high chair. ‘We should get you dressed too,’ she cooed. ‘You’ve got a big day ahead of you.’
When she looked up, Alex was watching them with a curious expression. ‘You really would make the most amazing mum, you know.’
Zoe stiffened at his words. She’d made her feelings clear about them trying for a baby often enough, and was about to say so when he added, ‘But I get it, and I respect your decision. Am I allowed to feel that the house would be too empty and too sad if Billie does go and takes Louisa with her?’
‘Yes,’ she said, softening. ‘I feel the same way. I’ve got used to having them around, and I’d miss this little one like crazy.
But us trying isn’t the answer. It might only bring us more pain…
You do understand that, don’t you? I didn’t make the decision lightly, and I never made it to deprive you.
I might regret this, but we could probably revisit the subject after Christmas.
We could talk about it again. If Billie does go, I suppose I might feel differently.
It’s hard to know what it will be like. Please don’t pressure me now. ’
‘I would never want to do that, but I would like the chance for us to talk about it again at some point. And, as we’re being open to one another’s hopes, that conversation could also include the possibility of us fostering too.’
Zoe gave him a broad smile as she kissed Louisa’s head. ‘I’d like that.’
There was a dusting of snow on the ground as they walked to the reindeer enclosure, like icing over a fruit cake.
The ground was frozen into troughs and divots, where it had been soft with copious rainfall, and then the marks of footfall in the mud turned solid in a sharp frost. It made the field hard going to walk on, let alone for Louisa’s buggy, so now Alex had his granddaughter in his arms, the buggy abandoned at the gate, while Zoe and Billie walked at his side.
There was a strange kind of forced jollity in the air between them, one that affected Zoe so viscerally she almost wished they’d go back to the awkward and fractious dynamic they’d had the day before.
‘This is nice, isn’t it?’ Alex said cheerily. ‘All four of us out, nothing to rush back for… It’s not often we get the chance to do this, but we should try and make it more often. It’s great being together like a family.’
‘Yeah,’ Billie agreed but with too much enthusiasm for it to be authentic. ‘We will. The only reason we don’t already is that you two are always so busy.’
Alex nodded. ‘But that’s going to change. We ought to make the most of having you and Louisa here, and the years where she’s little like this won’t last long.’
Zoe was silent. She wondered how he was proposing to make all this time he wanted to spend with Louisa and Billie, considering how much work he had to do at Hilltop, still renovating the house, building the business he had high hopes for, the extra conservation volunteering he’d been getting involved in…
and that was without the child she and Alex may or may not have, their relationship, and all the other things that filled his days.
While she understood why he’d want to pledge more time, and almost certainly imagined he’d find a way to give it, she wanted to speak out, to tell him he shouldn’t make promises he wouldn’t be able to keep.
But she didn’t because she recognised what this day meant to them all, no matter how forced it might feel. And she thought that perhaps, when they’d all relaxed, they’d begin to enjoy it more naturally.