01. A Warm Place
South
I’m obsessed.
I’m losing sleep. I’m not eating properly. I practically live in this rental car.
I can’t stop. He isn’t giving me enough. Shade is a tease.
I’m enjoying it too much to take a break.
He spent two months holed up in his apartment without leaving. I’ve been ordering him food and having it delivered to make sure he was still eating. Sometimes he would open the door and take it, sometimes he wouldn’t. The brief views of his deterioration prompted me to visit the four asshole’s abandoned house for a little wakeup call when they return.
They’ll come back.
How could they stay away from this kind of perfection?
It will be better for them to understand that he’s off limits as soon as they return. If they don’t pay attention to the only warning I’m giving them, it’s their problem.
He started leaving his place about six weeks ago. Eight weeks of total isolation. Six weeks of learning his routine.
Tera had a mini celebration as soon as I texted her to let her know he was going out. It didn’t matter that he walked to the nearest coffee shop and got a drink only to turn around and come home. It didn’t matter that he was auto piloting like a zombie, scruffy faced with bed head, or that he was in adorable pajamas and pink bunny slippers. He got out, it counts. Tera told me to keep my distance but remain on task watching him in case he backslid.
As if I would leave. The only chance he has of me going away is if he tells me to himself. If he bans me, I’ll listen. It will ruin the game he has no idea we’re playing but I will listen to him.
He’s become a necessity to me. A brightly lit flame of colors I’ve never witnessed. But I know that when he wants out I’ll let him have it. I’ll give him anything if it will keep him from making that awful scream again.
He hasn’t backslid. Tera’s bestie brought his car back but he didn’t open the door to talk to her when she knocked. He still walks to the coffee shop despite the car delivery.
He kept going out, starting at once a day in the afternoon to stop at his coffee shop. Then he started going to the gym on Fridays. He keeps getting up earlier and earlier in the day. I have to leave my apartment at four in the morning now and it’s slowly sucking my soul out with exhaustion. I’m trying to put myself on his schedule but my erratic sleeping patterns and the need to keep earning money are throwing a kink in the works.
The following is sadly limited because he rarely goes anywhere but that’s still a day spent in my car, less than four hours of sleep with my job, and trying to organize the move into my new house as soon as it’s ready.
But the sight of him, especially now that he’s doing better, satisfies something in me I’ve never had before.
It’s enough to convince me to stay here permanently. It was a thought when Tera called to tell me about her hiding act. Now it’s a need that I gave in to quickly.
The last two weeks Shade has been more aware, looking around and taking things in. He picks up the delivery of groceries every time I order them now. He exercises at the gym for a few hours. He eats at a diner that he likes every Thursday. After his meal he always gets a slice of pie. Never with ice cream or whipped cream. No frills. Just a slice of pie. I want to know what flavor it is.
Banned.
He's shaving and dressing in jeans and t-shirts now. I miss the secret pajama peeping. It’s the only piece of his personality that I have. He watches anime that much is obvious. A link between us that only I know about. Sometimes I sit and imagine what it would be like to watch one with him next to me. Would he have an expression? I haven’t seen any more yet, even in his depression he’s shut down tight.
I want to see him smile. Relaxed. His face when he cums.
Instead I follow him. Watching the way he moves as he walks in front of me. He’s got a grace to his steps that surprises me. He’s been working hard at the gym, fighting his demons via weights, and it’s beginning to really show.
He always opens his blinds at five on the dot now. I see him eat and drink from a teacup as he paces. Always without an expression. Then he leaves at 5:15 and I follow without hiding. Every morning for the last two weeks. His schedule has been reset to whatever his normal was before.
Now that his behavior has reached a steadier state I can let him see me. No more hiding in plain sight for him. I won’t let anyone else see. Just my statue. A game he has no idea I’m playing.
If I don’t want people to see me, they won’t. As simple as that and as complicated as well. I can walk beside him and he would never know. I haven’t. It would be too tempting to touch. Any contact with him will break the strange illusion and he’ll run from me.
I’ve been parking across from his window when he opens his blinds. I tried to keep it stealthy at first but now I just want him to see me. To feel even half the obsession that I do. What would that be like? To have my devotion returned? I don’t know if I could ever let that go.
I’m standing a few feet behind him now, waiting for him to cross the street so I can follow him to get his coffee. I glance down at my phone as it vibrates in my hand to see a text from Tera and when I look up, he’s gone.
My heart lurches as my eyes shift to see where he is without turning my head. Nothing.
Odd.
The coffee place isn’t for another three blocks. Where did he go? My heart rate picks up at the thought we’re doing something out of the norm. A new game is starting and I’m excited to know what it could be.
The phone gets tucked away and I try to subtly keep my eyes peeled for him but he doesn’t reappear. I go ahead and cross the street, casually walking to the coffee shop I’ve never been inside of as if it’s a normal day.
The hairs on the back of my neck rise and I pause before I start walking again. Someone is watching me but I don’t feel like I’m being threatened. It’s more of an assessment feeling. I’ve caught someone’s attention. That’s impossible unless-
My breath catches for a second.
Did Shade just get the drop on me? I chew my lower lip to contain my smile. Tera did warn me that if he figured out I was following him that I would be in trouble. I guess my ‘cover’ has been blown.
Let’s see where he’s going to take this game.
The coffee shop is straight ahead and I walk in for the first time. I’ve only been able to see inside through the glass doors, the curtains are always drawn so the place has been mostly a mystery to me. They’re playing some kind of new age music that’s relaxing. The sounds are muted here, the speech of the baristas is quiet and the grinding machines at a low hum. This is a place meant for relaxing.
Several tables are set up with two seats apiece. There are larger booths against the wall with darker lighting creating a more intimate setting. The space is mostly open inside though the small tables outside crowd the sidewalk. The only glass allowing sunlight in is the front entrance.
There’s an exit behind the counter and another by the restrooms. Three employees minus whoever is in the back office. A subdued atmosphere envelopes me along with the scent of coffee. No pastries. Odd choice.
I tap the counter as I look around. The hollow sound of my nails against the wood startles the barista. He gives a little jump when he sees me. It’s always amusing when I ‘appear’ in front of people.
“What can I get you?”
I look at Jared, according to his nametag, and get a wary look in return. Tera says my eyes make people uneasy. Damned if she isn’t right about it.
“Two espressos, large.”
He looks taken back by my monotone. It’s also a normal reaction. What follows is awkward discomfort and stares that I don’t look away from. Every time our eyes meet he flinches. He’s happy to take my money though.
I slide to the side to wait for the drinks, casually looking around for my statue. Shade hasn’t slipped into the shop. I pull my phone out, pretending to text Tera, and peek outside.
There he is, hiding in the shadows of the alley I usually use. I can just make out his form, leaning against the wall of a shop with his arms crossed over his chest as he watches me.
Jared sets the two cups down and tries to backtrack quickly while I smother my pleasure. He’s playing with me. Finally.
“Do you have a marker?”
The barista freezes and fumbles in his pocket for one. He tosses it to me and walks away quickly.
I chew my lip as I debate what to write. Tera normally doesn’t speak to people about me so I doubt he knows who I am. I don’t want him thinking I’m a threat. If he does I can kiss our games goodbye. I settle on something simple.
Ask Tera to explain.
I step outside and look at the empty tables on the sidewalk. I set his cup on a table and look up at his hiding spot to give a chin jerk and point at the cup. Then I walk away with my pulse racing. I start texting Tera to let her know he’s aware enough to catch me following him. She’ll be excited, too.
Me: He knows.
Tera: That took longer than I thought it would.
Me: Be nice when he calls.
Tera: What?
Hmm. I’ve kept my overwhelming obsession with him under wraps well enough that this will be a red flag to her. I’ve never told her to be nice to anyone.
Maybe this will be another game. How long will it take Tera to find out how much I want to keep him all to myself? Hopefully not until it’s much too late.
I put the phone away and revert to being unseeable, taking the long way back to my car. The sensation of being watched disappeared after I rounded the corner from the coffee shop so I know he’s not keeping pace with me anymore. It isn’t an exercise day so let’s see if he really changes things up. If he isn’t home in the next thirty minutes I’ll have to hunt him down.
The thought of it leaves me breathless as I silently laugh.
My game has leveled up.
Now to see if he keeps up.