15. Play Dead
South
I watch the phone store clerk fiddling with the new machine absently, my mind lost in thought.
My disjointed dreams have come back with a vengeance. Memories all jumbled up from the drugs I was given trying to become a cohesive story from the past. The dreams twist it in a spiral of darkness and rage, warping everything I knew before I stopped pretending to be normal.
All the doctors Tera had me speak to about it said it was a normal reaction to trauma. The dreams come and go when they want. Mainly when I somehow become upset. More proof for Tera that I have emotions despite the fact I don’t feel fear. None of that has ever bothered me. A minor inconvenience.
The lack of sleep? That’s another story. Exhaustion makes my control slippery, harder to hold onto. And my mind won’t stop replaying my last conversation with Shade.
It took a while for me to understand what he was saying to me. It had to sink in one little tidbit at a time. Piling up to become a truth I don’t like. I’ve spent way too much time dissecting his words to find hidden meanings. Or obvious ones.
He mocked me about Tera helping me with emotions. He could only learn that from Tera herself. They’ve been discussing me. Why? I’ve kept her out of most of my interactions with him so she wouldn’t try and keep him away from me. He obviously had no problem talking and it put her on high alert.
How much about me did she say? Not enough if he thinks I faked anything with him.
It’s odd that everything seems a little duller now that I’m away from Shade. I’ve gone back to my version of normal. He had me seeing things in technicolor. I’m blaming the lack of sleep. And the fact that every other second I’m thinking about him. I’m picking a mental scab to watch it bleed over and over again.
I’m not supposed to fixate.
All of this has that empty spot inside me writhing around uselessly. There aren’t many viable options to take this out on.
I could fill it up by fucking with the assholes who insist on following me everywhere. I’m on day two of it and already I’m annoyed. I can’t do anything to them without paying a heavy price. At least they didn’t damage my truck stealing the old phone.
I need a break. Real sleep. I wonder if I have any more of those sleeping pills left. If so, where did I pack them?
I lean against the counter and watch Felix watch me. He gives me a mocking wave that I don’t respond to. Would killing him help me sleep tonight? I’m willing to find out.
“Updates are all done.”
I look at the phone and then the employee. “My music will be on it?”
“Yup,” he chirps happily. “All of the music you’ve bought is in here now.”
I don’t need anything else for music anymore. Phones do so much now. No wonder everyone wants to steal one.
“It’s ready to use?” I pick up the big device, unused to the size. It makes my old phone seem microscopic in comparison. The photo details are worth it.
“Ready to use, phone case, charger, glass cover. You’re all set!”
This guy is way too happy to be at work. For the amount of money I just dropped he should be.
The first thing I do is text Tera to make sure she has the new number. It rings, an odd preset tune, as she calls me not five seconds later.
“Oh my gosh, I’ve been worried,” she says breathlessly.
“Why?” I ask flatly as I watch Felix grin at me as if he thinks he’s seductive. He’s just another piece of muted grays blending into the background to me.
“You weren’t answering. You always answer,” her voice trembles with the threat of oncoming tears.
“They stole my phone. I just now got around to replacing it.”
“Who stole your phone?” She sounds amazed it happened. “I know it wasn’t Shade.”
Yeah, that bridge is napalmed no matter how much I obsess over it.
“The assholes.”
“What?” She says in a low tone of anger.
“They’ve been following me. It’s beginning to annoy me. I’m going to lie low for a while and catch my breath.”
Tera starts heavy breathing into my ear in a concerning fashion.
“Are you ok?” I frown, putting my cash back into my pocket.
“I’m upset that they think they can get away with this. I’m going to stop it.”
Her determined tone makes me curious. “Don’t stress about it. It’s petty bullshit and I lose them without any effort.”
“Where are you?” I can hear her walking and then the familiar sound of her computer chiming that it’s awake.
“The phone store. I just got finished.”
“Stay there,” she insists. “If you leave, they can get to the records and find your name.”
“So?”
“I’m scrambling everything in a big eff you to those guys.”
“Oh,” I contemplate that and feel my first smile in days curl my lips. “Game on, then.”
When she has me update my settings and check my new ID I have to laugh.
“Van Leppard again?”
“That’s your name for everything they could know about. Rental car, phone, easy obvious stuff. Van Leppard lives in Virginia and has twenty cats, drives a truck that isn’t paid off yet. The usual clean slate. The one on your apartment is different though.”
“The landlord calls me Ms. Queen.”
She starts giggling. I don’t want to know what amalgamation she came up with. Queen is enough.
“Is my music still on here?”
“Oh. Um, no? I can figure out a way to transfer it,” she offers quickly.
“Meh, who cares?” Easy come, easy go.
“You can leave the store now,” she says gently. “I was wondering about a few things. Do you have a second?”
“Sure,” I answer easily as I walk out. I notice Felix follows but Brody goes into the store.
They don’t act like bodyguards. Who’s taking care of Andi while they follow me? And why steal my phone? A taunt to Shade because of our game? That doesn’t seem to fit right either. This puzzle just got a hundred more pieces added to it.
A lot of things aren’t adding up.
“Are you still coming to my party tomorrow?”
“Of course.” Why would she think I wouldn’t?
“Are you still going to protect Shade?” Her voice drops lower. Ah, the real question then.
“He told me to get lost,” I point out without any emotion. I get into my truck and pull away, Felix is right on my bumper as he hounds me.
“He says he’s sorry for being a jerk.”
The emptiness flails, reaching for the angry pain that brings up.
“And he didn’t mean it when he told you to get lost. He calmed down after talking to me.”
“You didn’t tell him to stay away?” I ask blandly. I put it on speaker so I can focus on driving. They know my temporary place is downtown in one of the shady areas but not the precise location. There’s a lot of back streets and I have them memorized. I never take the same route home. But this game is starting to bore me. Boredom and annoyance aren’t a good sign for them staying above ground.
“No?” She sounds surprised. “I trust him with you South. I would never tell him to stop seeing you.”
“He thinks I’m fake.” Maybe she can help me understand since he’s not going to.
“He doesn’t get it yet,” she hurries to say. “He’s so used to the BS it’s his first thought in everything. He always pushes people away when he gets upset. It’s like a go-to move. I ignore it all the time and just keep going whether he likes it or not.”
Tera ignores it? She would walk away quickly at any sign of an altercation before. But she thinks it’s ok to stick around with Shade when he’s mad?
“He doesn’t know what he wants and he lashes out. You know what he needs better than he does. You should ignore it.”
I almost slam on my brakes.
“Ignore it?” I hiss out in surprise. She knows how I’ll take that. What is she thinking?
“Yeah,” she says defiantly. “He’s being a jerk to you and I don’t like it. If you think it would make him happy to walk away then go for it. But you decide now. Not him.”
Whoa. How many bans does that lift?
“If you walk away from him then I’ll never bring him up to you again.”
Huh. An all or nothing game.
“I’ll play.”
Shade
Why did I say it? Why can’t I keep all the shove away bullshit out of my conversations with her? What was I thinking? I told her to get lost.
She did.
I haven’t seen or heard from her in days.
I fell over the cliff without realizing it. And I’m the reason she hasn’t caught me. That knowledge is more agonizing than I was ready for.
When Tera called I chewed her ass out for starting this whole mess. She had no idea anything had happened. It started a snowball rolling downhill because Evie is now in the wind and even Tera doesn’t know where she is.
“I don’t fake shit.”
I punch again.
She wasn’t acting. It was real and I was too pissed off to listen. I welcome bullshit lies with open arms and when the first real thing comes along, I toss it aside like trash. What the fuck is wrong with me?
“Hey, man!” Max protests as I punch the mat he’s holding hard enough he almost falls.
“Take a break, Shade,” Asher calls.
I walk away to grab some water. They huddle together and whisper while they watch me.
The party is tomorrow night. If she doesn’t show up I’m not going to be the only one devastated by it. What if she just goes home? I know she doesn’t live here. She doesn’t even live in the same state. I have no way to find her. Looking into her truck’s tags led to me the same dead end Ira’s team is at.
Matthias should fucking hire Tera already. And ban her from using 80s band names as real names. Van Leppard. What the fuck.
My phone rings in my bag and I debate on ignoring it. I know it’s Tera’s ringtone but I can’t take trying to calm her down while I’m spiraling this hard. She’s so upset that Evie isn’t answering her calls she’s practically losing her mind.
I did that by being my regular dick self.
“Hey, Tera is calling you, asshole,” Max looks up from his own phone to scowl at me. “She says pick up your phone.”
My phone rings again.
Guess I’m answering.
“What?” I ask flatly.
“I got her! The A-holes stole her phone and she finally got a replacement,” her excited voice washes over me and my eyes shut with relief.
“Fuck, she said they were going to. With everything I forgot. I’ll pay her back for it.” I’m the reason they’re investigating her after all. I need to fucking warn her.
“What did she say?” I ask in a tight voice. A toxic mixture of hope and dread swirls inside me and the only person who can decide which emotion comes out on top is Tera.
“She’s taking a break but she’ll be at the party,” she reassures me and my tension leaks out with the words. I lean forward to put my face in my hand.
“Thank fuck.”
“Uh-huh! I also called Matthias to get the A-holes to leave her alone. Win-win.”
“What?” I ask very quietly, my hope draining away to be replaced by suspicion.
“Oh. You didn’t know?” She sounds like she’s cringing. I can picture it in my head.
“Didn’t know what?” I don’t dare raise my voice. Her boyfriends are both watching me with narrowed eyes.
“They’ve been following her. She says they suck at it.”
I let that happen. If she was with me I could have been a buffer.
I’ll fix it.
In the meantime.
“And you have Matthias’ number, how?” I gently press while a muscle jumps in my cheek.
“I called him about Andi, remember? I’m the reason you guys came down here.” Tera sounds bewildered by the question.
“And you just casually called him now and asked him to stop the people following her?”
“Yes? He didn’t know it was South. Now that he does, he’ll take proper precautions.”
“What the fuck does that mean?” I ask in a hard tone, earning a glare from both of her boyfriends. Matthias knows about her? I doubt he’s backing off of anyone. Tera is delusional.
Unless Evie is watching me for him . No. That doesn’t make sense.
“Um. I can’t say?” Her voice wobbles with nerves.
“Have you been spying on me for him?” I demand and glare back as they begin approaching me. I’m ready for violence. Is there anyone I can trust? Maybe I am a leak.
“ Hell no!”
My eyes widen over the curse word spit in my direction. She’s gone rabid in less than a second. It’s shocking enough that my bitter anger takes a wary step back, taking my paranoia with it.
“Tera?” I ask in confusion.
“Don’t you Tera me! I would never betray your trust! Not to anyone! Do you understand me?”
“Yes?” I answer in confusion.
“No! You say yes, I understand you, Tera.”
“Yes, I understand you, Tera,” I repeat, dumbfounded. She’s never spoken to me this way before. I have to admit her lack of a real temper has lulled me into a false sense of security.
Asher begins to get an unholy grin and he grabs Max’s arm to stop him. Now they’re both smiling as I straighten in confusion.
“Now. I’ve had enough of you and your bad attitude. You better start behaving. And treating South right ! If you tell her one more time to leave you alone, I’m not fixing it. You can wallow in self-pity by yourself. News flash, dickweed, she can handle you at your worst and not even flinch.”
The line beeps and I gape at the phone in disbelief.
“Problem?” Asher asks with a smirk.
I turn my shocked stare on him. “She called me a dickweed.”
Max starts laughing uproariously.
“Don’t laugh. You’re probably next,” Asher tells him.
“Oh, shit,” Max mutters and begins to pale.
“What the fuck?” I ask them.
“Pregnancy hormones,” Asher’s smile gets even more smug.
Pregnancy? Oh God.
I shudder, knowing exactly how she got pregnant and feeling sick over it.
“Holy shit,” I mutter. “Fuck. What the fuck.”
“You ok?” Max asks with a smug smile.
“He’s taking it worse than Trevor,” Asher laughs.
“What the fuck did he say?” I scowl at Asher as I stand. “He better be over the God damn moon with joy or he’s a fucking dead man.”
“Whoa!” Max raises his hands and takes a few steps back. “He means Trev freaked at first and now he’s trying to wrap her up in a little bubble and keep her home so she stays safe. She’s having a tough time with it but feels bad when she yells at him, not that he gives a shit. He told her this morning she wasn’t going to her own party.”
“Even I’m not that fucking dumb,” I shake my head. I’m close to that level, but not quite there yet.
“Prove it,” Asher says in a tone frosted over with ice.
“The fuck did you just say?” I stalk to meet him on the mats.
“Prove you’re not as fucked up as your exes. Get South and go for it. Stop playing around and hit her head on.”
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” Max glares at him. “What happened to communication first? Not being a dick? Why does he get a free pass?”
“Words won’t sway her. Physical will. He’s a dumbass at communicating anyway, I’m saving his life.”
“Really,” I deadpan. “How’s that?”
“If you fuck up with her one more time, with Tera pregnant and not putting up with shit half as well as she usually does? You’re fucked , Shade. Get me? And I’m going to sit back with a beer and watch them both rip you into pieces.” Asher ends his speech with a smile filled with relish.