Chapter 13 Allegra #2
I roll my eyes. “How would I do that? You’ve cut me off from the world, remember?”
“What would life be like to simply be hollow and vain, Moth?” he asks, clearly unbothered by my attempt to insult him.
Those shadows deepen as he considers his own question making me think I see something else in his eyes.
Sadness. Like last night. I saw this last night too, briefly, beneath whatever else was going on. “Easier, I think,” he says.
“What?” I ask, having lost the thread of our conversation.
“Life would be easier if we were simply hollow and vain.”
I think he’s right about that. But again, I’m left uncertain, confused.
“What’s your password?” he asks, snapping out of it, back to asshole Cassian again as he picks up my iPad.
Well, asshole Cassian I can handle better than this deeper, more profound, sad version. “That’s none of your business.” I eat a bite of eggs, then another, famished.
“Tell it to me all the same.”
I look up at him, forgetting the impact those eyes have on me. He shaved this morning. I’m used to him with a five o’clock shadow and seeing him clean-shaven after the overgrown beard of last night is kind of like seeing him barefoot. It makes him appear weirdly vulnerable.
He’s not though. His nickname is Reaper. He earned that name. I remember what my brother said that triggered him. I want to ask him what Michael meant, but can guess. Did Cassian kill his brother?
“Password,” he repeats.
“0505.”
He glances at me like he knows it’s the date my father died. I don’t know why I used it. The new iPad came a few days after the accident. It was the first thing I thought of as I was setting it up. He punches in the code and starts to look through my apps.
“What do you expect to find?”
“One never knows.” He swipes through a few things before opening WhatsApp. As soon as he does, I see the slew of messages as the app catches up. “Who’s Jared?” he asks.
“Give me that!” I try to snatch it from him, but he holds it out of reach and scans the messages.
“Boyfriend?” he asks, eyebrows raised.
I stand on the footrest of the stool to try to grab the iPad. “He’s in my class. Give it to me!”
“He’s asking how you’ve been. I guess he missed you. He wants to know if you want to get coffee, and he’ll catch you up on what you missed.” He grins. “I’ll let him know you’re neither interested nor available.”
“You’re an asshole.”
“Unless you’re interested, of course?” he asks, looking at Jared’s profile picture. “Not that it matters. You’re not available.” He gives me a grin then returns his attention to the iPad. “Someone should tell him you’re out of his league.”
My mouth is open to respond, but that last part makes me stop. Does he think I’m pretty?
No, Dummy. He thinks you look like a moth.
He switches the iPad off and sets it aside. I realize he’s waiting for me to say something smart probably, but he’s managed to unbalance me yet again.
“You’re such an asshole,” is all I come up with, which is poor, I know.
“So you’ve said.” He lifts out my sketchbook. “You draw?”
“That’s private.” I take it. That he lets me have.
“They’re actually good, Moth.”
“If only I cared what you think, Reaper,” I tell him.
When he raises his eyes from the notebook to me, I see the tick in his jaw. He doesn’t like being called Reaper which is surprising. I guess I wouldn’t think he’d care.
I hold my breath and wait for his reaction, but a moment later, it’s gone. He’s schooled himself to give nothing away. It’s the opposite of me. I feel my face burn up because I remember how he looked at me last night. How he held me. How he felt inside me.
Shit. I need to not think about any of those things.
I try to focus on eating although it’s hard to get food down.
“Is Michael right?” I ask, needing to get back on solid ground and that means me on one side, Cassian on the other.
“About what?” he asks, but I know he knows what I’m asking.
I swallow, but force myself to continue. At least it’ll stop him looking at me that way. “Did you kill your brother?”
He clenches his jaw so hard, it must hurt. “Tread lightly, Moth. Remember what I told you. My patience only goes so far.”
Tread lightly. I should heed his warning, but I’ve never been known to do what I should do so we have a staring contest which I lose. It’s a relief, though, to look away.
“Finished?” he asks the instant I do.
“Yes.” I slip off my stool without looking at him.
“You’re not dismissed.”
At that, I turn my glare on him and watch as he reaches into his pocket and takes something out. He sets it in front of me. It’s a single pill in unnecessarily large, pink packaging and it makes my heartbeats slow to thuds against my ribs. I drag my gaze up to his.
“Morning after pill,” he says.
So, he is acknowledging last night. I look down at that pill annoyed with myself for allowing him to get the upper hand again and again.
“Swallow it,” he says.
“I’m on birth control,” I say automatically although considering my screw up with days, it’s not a bad idea.
He takes the package, pops the pill out and holds it out to me. “Swallow it anyway. It won’t do any harm.”
I look at it, then at him. I reach for it, pop it into my mouth and swallow it dry. “Satisfied?”
“Open.”
“What?”
“Open. I want to be sure.”
“Why? Because you think I secretly want to have your baby? When hell freezes over, Cassian. When hell freezes over.” I walk away, but stop, turn back to face him.
“In fact, why don’t you just go straight to hell where you obviously came from!
” I stalk back toward the bedroom because I have no idea where to go, but I need to be away from him.
He doesn’t just let me walk away though. Of course he doesn’t. He follows me, grabbing my arm, spinning me to face him. “You must not have heard me, Moth. I told you to open your mouth.”
“No, it’s you who didn’t hear me so let me put it another way. Go fuck yourself, Cassian Trevino.”
I tug free and walk away, but he mutters a curse and when I glance back to find him stalking after me, I run into the bedroom, yelping when I go to slam the door, but it bounces off his foot.
It must hurt his bare foot because he grabs it and mutters a curse, glaring at me all along.
I make it to the bathroom, slam that door, push the button lock not sure why I think that might keep him out.
If it slows him down for a second, it’ll definitely piss him off which I don’t think I want.
“Open the door!” he demands, but doesn’t give me a chance to act.
Instead, he must slam his full weight against the door because it shudders and I back up, and when he does it again, the wood splinters, then goes crashing against the wall and Cassian stands there all huge and angry as hell and exactly what I thought when I first laid eyes on him.
Brutal.
I scream as he grabs my arm, hauls me out into the bedroom and tosses me onto the bed then straddles me.
He forces my mouth open, fingers digging into my jaw and peers inside and only releases me once he’s sure I’ve swallowed the pill. His eyes meet mine and he must realize how insane he’s acting because he gives a shake of his head as if he was arguing something in his head, then slides off.
“I hate you, you know that?” I sit up, rub my jaw. There will be bruises in the shape of his fingers.
“Why didn’t you stop me?” he demands, looking at me accusingly. “Last night. Why didn’t you stop me?”
“Are you serious?” I ask, not quite believing what I’m hearing. “So, what happened last night is somehow my fault?”
He shakes his head, walks away. But he doesn’t just get to walk away.
“Tell me something, Reaper—”
“Don’t fucking call me that!” he throws over his shoulder.
I run after him, put myself between him and the exit. “If I’d said no, would you have stopped?”
He blinks, those infuriatingly beautiful eyes narrowing. “Get out of my way, Allegra.”
“Would you have stopped?”
“You didn’t say no.”
“You were fucking drunk!”
“I wasn’t drunk. I’d been drinking, yes, but I wasn’t drunk. And another thing, you should have told me you were a virgin.” He physically moves me out of his way, but he doesn’t leave. Instead, he holds onto me, looking down at me.
“You’re fucking unbelievable.” I try to pull free of him.
“You make this fucking hard for me, Allegra.”
“And you think it’s a walk in the park for me?”
He opens his mouth, closes it, gives a shake of his head. His eyes search my face. “Did I hurt you?” he asks finally.
“You know what? I’m having a really hard time following, Cassian. One minute you’re literally forcing my mouth open to make sure I swallowed the stupid pill and the next you’re asking me if you hurt me? What do you think?”
“I’m sorry about that. I didn’t… I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Well, I’d give you a gold star, but it’s too fucking late for that. Oh, and just FYI, you’re hurting me now. Let me go!”
His hands tense on my arms, but he must see it’s true because he loosens his grip. His eyes search my face, and I hate how they make me feel. It’s ridiculous. It’s nonsensical.
“Well, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry for hurting you. I should have been gentler. Especially once I figured out it was your first time.”
God. I hate him. I hate him so much. Why is this so confusing? Why is he so infuriating? Because I think he means it. I think he’s truly sorry for hurting me. But I can’t deal with that.
Cassian Trevino is the villain of this story. He’s not the hero.
“So, I’m confused,” I start, holding back my tears, infusing my voice with as much venom as I can. “You’re not actually sorry for fucking me? You just should have done it differently? Is that what you’re trying to say?” I try to get free.
“Stop struggling.”
“Then let me go.”
“You’re not walking away from me. Don’t you get it?”
“What’s the matter? Not used to girls who don’t fall to their knees to worship at your feet? Well, I have news for you, Cassian Trevino. I will never kneel at your feet. I will never worship you. Because I don’t want you!”