Chapter 37
LOCHLAN
“So, uh…” Lucia frowns as she looks in through the passenger side window. “Thanks for the ride?”
She, Galina and I have just spent the last fifteen minutes driving in utter silence after leaving that fucking bar, which is all a bit of a hazy-red blur to me.
I vaguely remember seeing Achilles punch some blond guy in the face before squaring off with a pissed-looking Yelena. When I saw Galina appear at her friend’s side is when it all went blank.
I know I hauled her out over my shoulder like a caveman, torn between being furious at her and wanting to bend her over the hood of my car to fuck her in the parking lot.
Maybe just holding her and telling her that I love her.
But saying it for the first time in the heat of whatever-this-is wouldn’t be ideal.
That’s some prime Castle Kildare advice that I’ve never forgotten.
I remember my dad sitting me down after I got home from one of my first ever dates.
I was fourteen, and I'd been to the movies with this girl Amanda from my class who’d been my “girlfriend” for about forty-eight hours at that point.
After the movie, she told me she didn’t like me “like that” and that we were breaking up.
I, with the infinite wisdom of a fourteen-year-old boy, told her I loved her.
I didn’t. But she had pretty nice tits, and I knew if we broke up, my chances of ever seeing those tits was going to drop to zero.
Also, I think I’d recently watched some lame romcom with my mom, where the hero blurting out “I love you” to the heroine stopped her from getting on a plane or something.
Whatever. It didn’t work. She left anyway, and I never saw those fucking tits.
When I got home and told my dad what had happened, he laughed, gave me a hug, then sat me down. That’s when he said, “Lochlan, never tell someone you love them unless you truly do. 'I love you' is not super glue. It’s not a tool.”
I never forgot that. And so I’ve never said it to anyone, because I’ve honestly never loved anyone in a romantic sense.
Until now.
But even so, now isn’t the time to say it, because I'd be wielding it like a tool.
I’m still idling outside Lucia’s dorm when she leans on the sill of the passenger window and shifts her attention to Galina.
“Um…my roommate is visiting her parents. Wanna stay here tonight?”
“Yep.”
Fuck.
Back outside that dive bar, I dumped a royally pissed Galina in the front passenger seat and buckled her in.
Lucia had followed us out, and when Yelena and Achilles came storming out after her, looking like they were about to either fuck or kill each other…
or maybe both…I indicated I’d take Lucia home.
But the plan was to drop Lucia off first, giving me a chance to talk to Galina.
So much for that.
“Why don’t I drive you back to The Atheneum—”
“No thanks.”
She opens the passenger door to the Defender and steps out. She and Lucia are already starting to walk away when I call after her.
“Galina.”
She turns to me with a look of anger melting into pain all over her face. Fuck me, it makes me want to wrap my arms around her and never let go. It makes me want to scream that I’m in love with her from the highest fucking mountaintop.
She pulls her lip between her teeth. Then she glances at Lucia.
“I’ll be up in five.”
Lucia nods, gives me the frown I deserve considering I carried one of her best friends out of rock concert like a sack of potatoes, then walks toward the front door of Highgate House.
I shut off the car and walk around to Galina’s side. Without even thinking, I reach out and cup her jaw.
“Lochlan…”
She steps away, avoiding my touch, folding her arms over her chest.
“Please don’t touch me.”
Fuck.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers. “I just…” She hugs herself tighter. “I need you not to touch me right now because I know if you do, I'll fold,” she sighs, looking down at her feet and then up at me with this broken expression on her face. “I can’t fold, Lochlan.”
I draw in a slow breath.
“I fucked up,” I growl. “That tracker—”
“I know the tracker was an accident,” she whispers. “It’s just…”
She trails off and rakes her teeth over her bottom lip.
“Being Velvet Villainess is easy,” she says softly.
“She gets to want dark, deviant things, without worrying about other people’s perception of her.
She's read a million books where the girl gets swept off her feet by some dangerous, broody guy, and she sees every plot twist long before they arrive.”
Her arms tighten even more.
"But she's not real, Lochlan. The guys aren't, either, and they can't hurt her, because someone typed them into existence and gave them a happy ever after.”
Her eyes finally lift to mine, and my heart breaks as her face crumples.
“But you're not made up, and this isn't a book I get to put back on a shelf.”
She exhales a shaky breath.
“I wear the mask because it makes me feel invincible and lets me pretend I’m stronger than I am. And the problem is, you take away that mask. You make me scared to look at myself and see how weak I really am, and how big my insecurities and issues are.”
We stand in silence for a moment before she shakes her head.
“I haven’t read this book, Lochlan,” she finally chokes out. “So I don’t know if it has a happy ending.”
Her eyes lift to mine.
“I’m going inside now. Please don’t come after me.”
Then she leaves, and for the first time in my life, I realize why it's called heartache.