Chapter Thirty-Four
“I ’ve been trying to find you.”
Landon pulled me from my thoughts. He stood in the archway, hands braced on the stone and head down. His hair, normally so neatly styled, was a total mess. As if he’d been running his hands through it over and over.
He didn’t say a word.
My carefully controlled Knight, the one of the two of us who always had himself together…
He was a mess. Fraying at the edges. Tearing apart at the seams, like he was coming undone.
And my heart broke for him, too.
Because, even if I didn’t have all the reasons why yet, it was this place that needed to be torn apart.
The past thirty days I’d witnessed this place bring pain to so many people. I thought of what Kingston was trying to do. How he hoped to make Camelot Court a place where everyone could be free to love without fear.
Without limits.
If that wasn’t possible, then I really hoped he’d be good with burning it to the ground because I had a match with Camelot Court’s name written on it.
For the Dark Knight who didn’t feel like he was enough.
For the King who hid himself away from the world and bore the brunt of everyone’s burdens.
And for the White Knight, my first Knight, who hurt me and betrayed my trust for reasons he couldn’t stand. The one who lost me…
Right after we got to have each other for the first time.
He lifted his eyes to mine. “Did you mean what you said?”
I tilted my head, searching those dark amber eyes, still so solemn and beautiful, as he held my gaze and stepped forward. “When?”
He cleared his throat, glancing away before admitting, “I overheard you…Arguing with Max.”
My eyebrows rose, and I thought through everything I’d said to Max in the room, not thinking about how Landon had been in earshot.
Landon’s hand twitched, as if he had the urge to reach up and scratch behind his ear.
He was nervous.
But I couldn’t figure out what he meant. “Which part?”
He swallowed. “That you…can’t hate me. That you don’t, after what I did?”
With that look in his eyes—the one that told me he still couldn’t breathe—he begged me for an answer before the words left his lips. “Please, Quinn. Tell me.”
And I felt it, then, too.
That feeling in my chest that hadn’t gone away since the day of the Knights’ Quorum. The one that had been building slowly throughout the weeks we spent together.
Too fast. Too unexpected. Too strong to be sound.
Terrifying.
But there nonetheless. “Yes,” I said softly. “I meant it.”
He dropped his head, a shudder going through his body, and his voice broke as he asked, “How? I don’t—How can you not hate me for it? What I did, I don’t deserve?—”
I didn’t point out that he was clearly hating himself enough for the both of us, because I understood how it felt.
To make a choice that ended in regret. To lose someone and believe that meant love—forgiveness—wasn’t something I deserved anymore.
So, I gave him the truth.
“Whether I wanted to or not—and believe me, I did not want to—I fell for you, Landon. I trusted you, and what you did that day, it didn’t make sense.”
He stepped forward, small steps bringing him closer but not nearly close enough. I took a deep breath, admitting the words out loud for the first time since it happened.
“You protected me that day at the Maiden Appeal. Because only you knew I was bluffing. I didn’t hold that card in my hand anymore…I’d given it to you. So, if the point of you saying no had been to eliminate me from The Quest—if that had been what you wanted—you could’ve stood up right then and called me out in front of everyone, but?—”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“You didn’t say anything.” I gave him a sad smile. “I’m not going to pretend that made it okay…but it was enough to give me hope that there was more to it than I’d initially thought.” I snorted. “You’ll have to thank Gia for that since she put the idea in my head.”
“Book buying spree with my black card. Got it.”
I smiled again, this time less sad. “Deep down, I believed I could still trust you. That the payoff would be greater in the end, if I held onto the faith I’d placed in you.”
He closed his eyes and nodded, and when he opened them again, they held a thousand promises—hope—for the first time since I’d come back to Camelot Court.
“But, to be clear, I still want to know why you did it. I still deserve the truth because I don’t know why you changed your mind that day. Why you doubted me and said no. Because, even if I’d hated you, I still wouldn’t have failed the challenge. I told you I wanted to win the Quest more than anything or anyone . So, it was never on the table. Me and Max at Pendragon. I wouldn’t have failed if you’d vouched for me. I didn’t do it just to spite you.” I pursed my lips. “That was merely a side bonus.”
Dropping my head to my lap, I stared at my hands while I waited for him to explain. Because it was that one piece of the puzzle I couldn’t make sense of. Whatever was going on with Camelot Court, I didn’t know why he thought that was the choice he had to make. And I needed to know.
“I never thought you’d fail.”
“But you stood up in front of everyone, and I’m pretty sure you said I would. Actually, I’m positive you did. I even pinched myself to make sure I wasn’t stuck in a nightmare. And this whole time you’ve said nothing, so I?—”
“I lied.”
My heartbeat stuttered in my chest. “You lied?”
“I lied. And I thought I was doing what was right. But you believing I didn’t have faith in you? You not knowing how much I—” He shook his head, his hand clutching his heart. “Nothing about that feels right, and I can’t stand it anymore.”
My breathing hitched, and heart racing, I took in the sight of his tortured, anguished face. The brave one I’d been wearing since it all happened crumpled. My hands shook where I clasped them in my lap as I listened.
“I wanted you to have a choice. I wanted both of us to have that, but when it came down to it, I never believed I had one. I thought I had to do what was right, follow orders, think about the greater good, and I told myself what he needed me to do…it was right because it would keep their eyes away from you.”
“You did it to protect me?”
“Yes.”
My breath caught. “No, that—How would that even?—”
“Because you’d just been attacked. And Kingston, he knew you’d get your contract. He bet on you realizing you were protected against what happened to you, and if you threatened to sue, Merle would encourage him—hopefully insist—that you win the appeal. And you’d be locked into The Quest.”
Wheels turned in my head, moments from the Maiden Appeal falling into place. I had asked Kingston that day if he knew my contract protected me from being attacked by a pack of jealous bitches.
He’d looked right at me and said yes.
When I lifted my head, Landon watched my face as the pieces began to click. Guilt seeped into his features as he circled back to what he’d done.
“By saying no at the Knights’ Quorum, everyone who thought he’d picked you and wanted you to win—When he didn’t jump to your defense…”
“They didn’t believe that anymore.” I shook my head in disbelief. “He barely even looked at me, just sat there smiling at Vivian while I—But why? Who cared that much? Why did it matter if he picked me or not?”
“His father. Because Kingston is expected to…And his father, he’s?—”
Landon shook his head, a frown marring his features. His hand came up to his temple, pressing on it as if in pain.
“What is it?”
He scrubbed a hand over his face. “Quinn, his father is a monster. And I would do anything to keep you safe, anything to keep you protected…I followed his plan because I didn’t know how else to do it. I thought it wasn’t up to me to decide. I thought I didn’t have a choice, and you’d ride off into the sunset with him, while I stayed in the dark. But I was wrong.”
His dark amber eyes locked on mine, and my heart raced.
“Quinn, I fell in love with you. I love you .”
And I couldn’t breathe.
“Now, I can’t follow him—can’t follow anyone—if it means hurting you. Leaving you? Not choosing you? They’re not options for me anymore. And whatever happens next, I want us to figure it out together. I don’t want either of us to be in the dark anymore.”
Tears pricked my eyes as he swallowed hard, his jaw working as he got his next words out.
“Even if you’ve taken me off the table and he’s on it now. If he’s who you want, and I’m not who you choose anymore. I have a choice. I always did, and I?—”
“He is on the table now, Landon.”
The words came out before I could stop them.
His face fell, and thank fuck he geared up to say something about it, but before he could, I finished the thought.
“But you are, too.”
The tension in his shoulders eased.
“I’m not a Maiden anymore.” I lifted my chin. “I’m a motherfucking Lady now. Dammit. I decide what happens to me next. What I want and what I don’t. I get to put whatever and whoever I want on the table.”
Pride shining in his eyes, he waited as I pushed forward.
“All three of you are mine. There are a million things I still don’t know, and it won’t be like it was before. No secrets that I don’t know about. None that I don’t get a say in. I choose what I can live with or without knowing, or I walk away. But that’s all I need. Even if you can’t tell me everything.”
After what happened with Max, I hesitated to ask. I didn’t want to find out both of them couldn’t handle it.
But I had to know. I couldn’t hold back the question out of fear the answer meant losing him.
No more avoiding the truth.
“I don’t want to choose between any of you. My heart can’t. And I need to know if you can accept that. If, knowing how I feel about them, too, I’m still yours. Or if it changes things for you.”
He didn’t say anything.
Instead, he crossed the terrace in three quick strides. He captured my face in his hands, crushing his lips to mine. Swallowing my gasp, he eagerly swept his tongue inside my mouth.
He lifted me up, and I wrapped my legs around his waist.
Running a hand along my spine, the other held me up as he pulled me as close as possible. With his arms around me, no matter how tightly he held me, I felt like I could breathe.
We kissed under the lemon tree, finally breaking apart when the need for actual air became insistent.
With our heads pressed together and our eyes locked on each other, he carried me off the terrace, looping us around the back of the house.
The whole time, he kissed my neck, cheeks, everywhere he could touch. Burying his face in my hair and breathing me in. Sending a shiver down my spine as anticipation built inside me.
Before we reached the rooms, he pulled back. He stared into my eyes and whispered, “Are you sure?”
My voice held steady, my words clear and strong. “I’m sure.”
Because I had no doubt this was what I wanted.
And the only fear I felt wasn’t over whether he might hurt me again, but whether something might take him away from me. Because this was where he wanted to be. I felt it in every look, touch, and kiss he gave me.
Not just now, but every day since the Knights’ Quorum.
I was still his.
And he was always mine.