Chapter 13
“I hope your dress is not ruined?” Julian asked as the carriage pulled up to his family home and helped her alight. “Although I must say that you look equally as lovely in this one.”
She remained quiet and offered him an awkward smile.
Julian had asked what had happened with her dress, yet she had answered stiffly. He had not pressed the matter, but it was clear to him that whatever had happened had upset her a great deal. She was colder and far more aloof than she had been earlier in the day.
Suppressing a sigh, he wondered if she was nervous about the wedding night and where they would be sleeping.
The subject had not been broached, as was proper, but he knew he would have to clarify that nothing would happen that she did not want, no matter how attached he was to her.
A man could want his wife, but he would never force himself on any woman.
He led her into the quiet house and up the stairs to the main chambers that would act as theirs while the house was being repaired. “I hope you like it,” he said gently as he ushered her inside.
The small room was sparsely decorated with a four-poster bed, a dresser, a cupboard, and a vanity for all of her belongings. Candles had been lit on either side of the bed, casting long shadows across the dark paper on the walls.
Her valise, along with a few other suitcases, stood in the corner, ready to be unpacked in the morning.
“It will do quite nicely for the time being,” she forced a smile and ran the tips of her fingers over the crisp white linen on the bed as she crossed the room to the washbasin beside her valise.
Julian had thought of asking for separate chambers, yet he had not wanted to involve his mother and sister in their marriage. Separate chambers would mean that the marriage had not been consummated, and that could place matters in jeopardy.
Feeling a little awkward and out of place, Julian cleared his throat. “There are a few matters that need seeing to. I shall be in my study while you prepare for bed.”
She turned to him with an odd look in her eyes, but he quickly excused himself and shut the door behind him.
What is she thinking?
He wondered again if it was more than just her torn dress that had changed her mood. Had she begun to have doubts after their dance? He had not picked up on anything during their conversation, but that did not mean that she had not taken offense to something he had said.
“It cannot be. We are both just tired.” He shook off the thoughts and entered his study, thinking of the day and how perfect everything had been despite the awkwardness of their arrangement.
If needed, he would clarify matters with her later that he never intended to press the matter of marital duties.
We are lucky enough to have escaped that fate.
The moment during their dance flashed across his mind. She had seemed slightly disappointed by his reply but had also said they were lucky to have not been faced with the age-old dilemma that was love.
Things seemed far simpler for Benedict and Arabella, who seemed to be falling for each other with every passing day.
Will we fall in love?
The question made his heart slam against his ribs as he quickly pushed it aside. It did not matter whether they would fall in love. They were partners in a business agreement, and that was all. There was every possibility that they could become friends, and that was more than enough for him.
He quickly busied himself with ledgers and documents in preparation for his meeting with the solicitor the following day.
An hour or two had passed by the time he decided to go back to bed.
Lily was already sitting on the right side with the sheets pulled over her legs when he entered. She seemed deep in thought and hardly looked up when he shut the door behind him.
“You seem ready to sleep,” he remarked cheerfully as he made his way to the screen in the corner and began to undress.
“Yes… Yes, I am,” she answered distractedly.
A frown creased his brow as he shrugged off his coat and began to unbuckle his belt while removing his boots. “Is something the matter?” He finally asked, feeling the loss of the previous ease that had been between them.
“Nothing at all,” her voice sounded anything but fine as she answered bluntly.
Placing his breeches and shirt, along with his belt, over a chair, he pulled his nightshirt over his head and made his way toward the bed.
“Are you certain that nothing is the matter? It is just that you do not seem as at ease as you did earlier today. You know that I will not ask anything of you that you are not willing to give?” He hesitantly climbed into the bed beside her while keeping his distance.
Color filled her cheeks as she quickly looked away. “I know that. I think I am just tired from the long day. There was a lot to take in.” She kept her gaze focused on the other side of the room.
Pulling back slightly, he placed one foot on the floor beside the bed. “I did not mean to imply anything untoward. Shall I give you some more time to settle in? I can always sleep in the guest chambers until you feel more comfortable being in my presence.”
Snapping her head back in his direction, she answered quickly. “Of course not, why should you be chased away from your own chambers? We are both tired, and I am perfectly capable of sharing a bed.”
“If you are certain?” He climbed back into bed and made himself comfortable, staring up at the ceiling above the bed.
An awkward silence settled between them as his ears began to ring. “I shall take you to Redding Hall soon so that you may see where we shall live. I must warn you that it is still a mess, but the bare bones of the house are there. Perhaps you could get an idea of how you shall decorate?”
“Yes, thank you. I should like that,” she answered distractedly and shifted further beneath the covers.
“Are you certain that I have not said or done anything to offend you?” He turned on his side to face her, wanting to broach the subject of their arrangement.
Shutting her eyes for a moment, she shook her head before staring up at the ceiling. “No, my lord. It was not you. I just… I am just tired. I think it is best that we both get some sleep.” She turned over and snuffed out the candle on her side of the bed, not waiting for a reply.
Staying on his side, he lay quietly for a while watching the back of her head. “Lily, I want you to know that I will never ask anything of you that you are not willing to give. Our arrangement has always been one of convenience, and I shall not go back on my word.”
Her body stiffened slightly, yet silence still reigned.
Realizing that there was nothing more he could do, he turned away from her and snuffed out his own candle.
I shall not press the matter if it makes her uncomfortable.
“Good night then,” he said out loud.
Nothing but silence continued in the chambers.
I hope you feel better in the morning…
A pang of disappointment clenched at his chest.
***
Stirring in his sleep, Julian turned over to see Lily facing him. Her cheek rested against his arm, while strands of her hair were touching his cheek.
She smelled like fresh flowers and spring air, something that he had not been expecting.
Shifting a little closer, he lifted a hand and ran the tips of his fingers along her cheek until she stirred. Her breathing quickened a little, but it returned to normal when she rolled away from him.
She is beautiful.
His pulse quickened as he let out a breath. She was like a forbidden flower that he longed to touch. The softness of her cheek had been a mere taste of what he thought it would be like to run his fingers through her hair.
Birds began to chirp outside the window, and he realized with a start that he was allowing his heart to wander to places he had promised himself he would not.
I cannot think of her in that way.
He carefully rolled away from her and swung his legs from the bed, shaking off the sleep that had allowed him to lower his guard.
He had promised himself years before that he would never again fall in love, nor would he ever allow himself to be loved again.
The previous experience had been far too painful for him to ever get that close.
Lily would be his wife and friend, nothing more.
Pushing himself off the bed, he quietly made his way across the room and began to dress, taking care not to make a sound.
Stirring softly in her sleep, Lily moaned, but quickly fell silent again. Even in her unconscious state, he felt drawn to her, but pushed those feelings aside.
He dressed silently before making his way across the room and stopping at the door, where he looked back to see if she was still asleep.
She breathed evenly while lying on her back, her hand open beside her on the pillow with her lips slightly parted.
The sudden urge to press his lips against hers overcame him, but he resisted with all his might and opened the door. Out in the hallway, he hesitated for just a moment before shaking his head and walking down the hallway.
The house was quiet, except for a few servants who had begun to start their day. So quiet in fact, that he was surprised to see his mother in the parlor as she sat in her rocking chair in front of the fire. A simple cushion lay on her lap as she stitched a few flowers into the fabric.
“You are up early,” she said quietly after looking up from her work.
“I have an early meeting with Mr. Blake. We are to discuss the finances going forward now that we have Lily’s dowry.” He explained as he came into the parlor. “We are to meet at the club. I have never been fond of White’s, but I guess that will be my lot in life now, and I should get used to it.”
“Is Lily up as well?” His mother asked almost disinterestedly as she returned to her work.
“Not yet, I think we had better allow her to sleep in this morning. She was not herself last night when we returned home. Or at least, I think she was not herself. She was different from how I have come to know her over the past few weeks.”
A gentle smile graced his mother’s lips as she smiled.
“Give her time. I am not surprised that she was a little unsettled. She finds herself in a foreign country, married to a man she has only just met. It cannot be easy.” She rocked rhythmically back and forth, using her feet to keep the momentum going.
Taking a moment to sit, Julian ran his hands through his uncombed hair. It was starting to get unruly again, but he never liked having it chopped short.
“Is something bothering you?” His mother sighed again as she placed the pillow on her lap and looked up.
“You know me so well. I guess I have been wondering if I have done the right thing. In marrying Lily, that is…” He allowed his voice to trail off as he stared into the crackling fire. There was always something about the parlor when his mother was sewing.
He had spent many hours as a child at her feet, and the feeling of safety had continued into his adult life. He could always tell her whatever was on his mind when they were in the parlor with the crackling fire.
She stopped rocking and titled he head to the side as she looked at him. “Why would you think it was a mistake?”
Julian shrugged as he drew his lower lip between his teeth. “I am not afraid that it was a mistake for me, but that it was for her. What if I am unable to make her happy? We entered the marriage knowing what we were getting into, but now I am wondering if she does not deserve more.”
“Then give it to her,” her mother said simply.
“It is not as easy as that,” he leaned forward in his seat and clutched the edge of the chair until his knuckles turned white.
“Is it not? Or are you just making things more difficult than they need to be because of your own reservations?” She raised her eyebrows in question and began to rock again as she picked her pillow back up and began to stitch.
Staring into the fire, Julian pondered her words for a moment before answering. “I do not think that she wants me to love her; she only agreed to the marriage because her mother wanted her to find a husband.”
“Then you have nothing to worry about.” His mother began to hum before pausing again.
“But will that be enough for you? It is only too easy to fall in love with a woman like Lily. She is kind, intelligent, funny, thoughtful, caring, and not to mention, beautiful and graceful. I think you are more concerned about falling in love with her, rather than her wanting you to. If you would just…”
Julian stood, cutting his mother short. “Please do not mention what happened again. I have asked you before and will remind you that I have vowed never to speak on the matter.”
His mother sighed heavily and shook her head. “Julian, Julian, Julian, I hate to say it, but this decision you have made to never even mention your hurt will not bode well. You must speak of it at some stage, even if it is just to tell your wife.
It is not serving you to keep it hidden in the dark. Bring it into the light and allow it to be washed clean. Lily might just be the one to heal your heart. I will not mention what happened, or speak her name, but I strongly suggest that you do.”
“I must leave if I am to gather my documents before the meeting,” Julian said and turned from his mother, not wanting to face the truth of just how badly his past had shaped and scarred him in equal measures.
Calling after him, his mother’s voice faded into the background. “At least consider what I am saying, it is for your own good!”
He picked up the pace on the way to his study as his anger grew. He had spent years trying to forget what had happened with the woman he had been engaged to, but no matter how hard he tried, he could never forget how painful it had been when things had ended.
He had convinced himself that he had been in love, but the pain that had followed that decision had haunted him for the years to come.
Entering his study, he walked over to the window and leaned on his arm as he stared out at the rising sun.
The birds were singing in the trees as servants began to appear, readying themselves for the day’s tasks.
It would have been the perfect morning if it had not been for the nagging question in the back of his mind.
Would it even be possible for him to ever love again if he gave it half a chance?
Never.
His heart hardened as he turned toward his desk and focused his thoughts on the meeting that lay ahead. He had taken a wife to save his family, but he would never be able to love her, no matter how much he felt himself being drawn toward her.