Long Haul #2
Watt fed Maggie from his spoon, frowning as he did so.
He had no more rations for her besides his own food, and while she had lost some weight she was still healthy.
“Maybe not. I think we'd have heard from him by now.
Or maybe he'll wait to strike after we've left the camp. Or maybe he is too preoccupied with cattle.”
Determination set between Watt’s thick brows, and Cornelius tensed. He only had a split second to prepare for whatever was coming his way, and it wasn't close to enough. “I would like to know the story between you and Andrea,” Watt said.
Cornelius sighed, setting his bowl down in his lap.
He didn’t want to talk about Andrea. He wanted to put Andrea and everything else behind them.
But he owed this to Watt, the truth. Watt had been nothing but unflinchingly honest when it came to divulging the parts of his life that he didn’t care to revisit.
He did wonder about the sudden interest, but then again Watt had asked before, hadn't he?
Cornelius pushed the few remaining beans around his bowl. “There’s not much to tell. We worked in Ur together, and we were … together.” His face was already aflame, but he went on anyway. “He wanted to settle down, I didn’t. He went his way, and I went mine. That was it.”
Watt waited for a moment, then said, “And?”
“And … what?”
“And why can’t you forgive him?”
The question lay between them like a dropped snake, coiled and ready to strike. Cornelius’ head jerked up. “What?”
“Um …” Watt’s cheeks flushed a deep scarlet.
He set his bowl down, allowing Maggie to finish it off.
Tentatively, he looked up at Cornelius. “I came back to check on you the other night, when you went back alone after dinner? But I could hear you two talking, and I didn’t want to interrupt.
I wasn’t trying to—I just—I—I wanted to make sure you were going to be alright, that he wasn't going to hurt you.”
Cornelius shook his head. He was annoyed Watt had been eavesdropping, Andrea would never hurt him physically.
But there was an ember of gratitude inside him that kept Cornelius from overheating.
He set his bowl down for Maggie too, and she dutifully licked away what remained.
He pulled the little case out of his pocket and lit up a joint.
He’d been doing his best to slow down and savor them, and had been doing well, all things considered.
But all things came to an end. After it was lit, Cornelius puffed heavily on it.
“Last one,” Cornelius murmured and offered it to Watt, who hesitated for a moment before his fingers nudging against Cornelius', taking the joint carefully. Watt began to inhale, and Cornelius declared in a plume of smoke, “He’d seen me naked.”
Exhaling, Watt immediately coughed, thrusting the joint back towards him. Cornelius took secret pleasure in throwing the man off kilter. Served him right for eavesdropping. He could picture Watt standing outside the tent, his gentleman and protector sides warring within.
Cornelius took the dart and went on, less dramatic this time.
“He knew what I was, or rather what I wasn’t.
He’d seen all of me with his eyes, touched all of me with his hands.
He was the first person I’d fully and completely trusted.
I didn’t love him, but I cared for him. I thought we could’ve been …
I don’t know. Friends that traveled and played together, but free to go our separate ways.
I don’t know how to explain it, other than when I looked to the end of my life, it wasn’t him beside me.
I wouldn’t—couldn’t—make the promises he wanted from me. Andrea needed security, not—”
Cornelius waved a hand, unable to grasp the proper word.
“He needed more, and he couldn’t understand why I didn’t want more.
I think that’s what hurt him the most. He was so upset, and if I’d known he was going to …
well.” Cornelius sniffed. He’d done the hypothetical game regarding Andrea too many times to count, and he didn’t care to do it again.
Watt had gone completely still, his features pinched with concern and something darker.
Cornelius closed his eyes and took a long hit of the joint.
His eyelashes were wet, but no tears escaped.
He wasn’t sure where the sudden rush of emotion had come from, but it shook him to his core.
Eyes closed, he released trembling smoke and brittle truth.
“He told everyone. He comprised my safety, my dignity. My identity. Told it ‘round the campfire like a fucking ghost story, like it wasn’t my life on the line. I’d never been so angry in all my life.
And then that first night we were here, it was all the same.
Taunting me by the fire, in front of the others, and you. ”
Watt said nothing. Cornelius opened his eyes, which burned something fierce. Watt’s eyes were wet too, and lit with a fury that Cornelius had never seen the likes of before. Not in him. A bit choked, Watt said, “Why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve—we didn’t have to—”
Cornelius smiled. He didn’t know where it came from, but allowed it to stay. “It’s alright, Watt.”
“No, it’s not alright. That’s—that’s—” Watt puffed with anger and emotion, and Maggie rubbed against his hand. He didn't seem to notice though.
“I know. I’ve spent a good part of my life being angry at that man, trying to clean up the mess he made and understand what it was all for.
But I …” Cornelius’ head was soft with the cannabis, and he struggled to find words again.
He shook his head and settled on, “I’m done with that, now.
It doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven him, I don’t think I ever will.
But I'm done tearing myself up over it.”
Cornelius stood. He paced over to Watt and knelt between his spread legs with a barely withheld groan of protest. He took Watt’s hands in both of his, squeezing tight.
He stared up at Watt, who gazed down at Cornelius with eyes that had darkened to molasses.
He held onto Cornelius with a trembling but sure grip.
“You can stop doubting me, Watt Johnson. I made a promise to you. To Nina.” He smiled over at Maggie, who was watching them with her tongue lolled out to the side.
“To Maggie. I’m in it for the long haul. ”
Watt's mouth parted in surprise, and he swiped his tongue over his bottom lip. He blinked and looked over at Maggie, then Cornelius. He squeezed Cornelius’ fingers and whispered, “And what did you promise her? Dog bowls made of gold?”
Cornelius laughed. He laughed so damn hard that it startled both Watt and Maggie. It was deep, strumming the threads tangled within his heart. He said, “I promised I’d keep you out of trouble, Watt Johnson. And that's just what I'm going to do, no matter how many times you try to leave me behind.”
“Oh,” Watt said, and he laughed quietly. “Funny thing, that. Aren’t you full of trouble?”
Cornelius laughed again, he felt so goddamn light that he might float away.
Watt pulled Cornelius up until their foreheads were touching. Cornelius' breath caught, but it wasn't a kiss Watt wanted. He repeated that over and over again as Watt stared deep into his eyes. Watt whispered, “I didn't want to. Leave you behind.”
Breathless, he said, “I know.”
They separated, too soon for Cornelius' liking, and resumed their trek into the unknown. Cornelius thought, 'Not a bad start to the next step in their trip, not bad at all.'