Chapter 38
Despite the soft vibrations, I’ve dozed off with my head against the passenger side window. I only become aware of it when Sasha knocks against the glass from the other side, startling me awake.
“Sorry,” I mutter as I untangle myself from the seatbelt and nearly tumble out of her car.
“Don’t even worry about it. I’m fucking exhausted too.” Sasha yawns, stretching with both her arms reaching over her head. She taps them against the beam of the porch as she climbs up the steps.
They feel a meter high when I have to lift my feet up to climb them. And not just because I feel a sting of discomfort at the thought of who she was with at the beach.
“I mean, not just for falling asleep. I hope I didn’t interrupt you while you were with Mia.
You…you are with Mia now, right?” I add quickly when I realize I might be overstepping.
Especially since I only know Mia from running into her in our bathroom when she was with Davenport—and Micah.
I quickly suppress the surfacing memory.
“Are you asking me if I’m dating the cheerleader?”
“I’m sorry if that’s, uh…presumptuous?”
She turns to me, key already in the lock of our front door. With raised brows, she levels me with a stare that almost makes me afraid of having asked, until she breaks into a grin. “Damn, Lind, relax.”
“God, you’re scary,” I breathe, following her inside. “So…so does—”
“No, you didn’t interrupt us. I drove her home before picking you up.”
I nod, rubbing my aching neck. “Good. I’m sorry that—”
“Oh for—Linden. It’s not your fault. I’m glad we went and got that idiot out of trouble.” Sasha grabs my shoulder with one hand, flipping her hair over her shoulder with the other. “One more question before I go and collapse.”
I take a deep breath, not quite ready to just accept her brash words, but my eyes are also stinging from the lack of sleep. “Are…you’re okay with—”
“An easy question, please?”
“I just—are you happy? With, uhm…your situation?”
“Good question.” Sasha snorts, giving my shoulder a squeeze. “Yeah, I am. Night, Lind.”
“Good night.”
I grab a glass of water to gather up the strength for climbing the stairs.
At the top, I sway for a moment, then take a deep breath and turn to Olli’s room to check on Tibia.
After making sure her dishes are filled and giving her little fuzzy head a few pets, I firmly shut the door, then finally turn toward the bathroom.
Sand trickles off of me when I pull my clothes off and throw them into a corner. I’ll worry about cleaning up tomorrow. Stepping under the water, even before it has warmed up, never felt this good.
For several minutes, I just stand there and let it run over my head and down my body until I can muster up the strength to lift the soap.
I’m rubbing shampoo into my hair in slow motion when there’s a soft knock against the door. It opens before I can say anything, but only a small crack.
“Linden?”
Hearing Micah’s careful question makes me smile. “Yeah, come in.” I sigh, raising a hand to run it through my hair to wash out the suds.
“Sorry, I didn’t wanna interrupt. I just…are you okay?”
“One sec,” I tell him. Anyone else, I’d have asked to wait outside, but I’m glad when I can hear the door close and then a slow exhale as Micah settles in to wait.
I feel almost like myself again when I turn off the water and grab the towel. I have only just wrapped it around my waist when Micah pulls back the shower curtain.
His dark hair is standing up on one side, and he’s wearing only a T-shirt and boxers, no socks; he must have already been asleep.
My smile drops. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you—”
“I don’t even care about that right now.
” His voice cracks, and he reaches out to pull me into a hug with both arms. I bury my face against his shoulder, blinking when he suddenly leans back, holding me at arm’s length while his mismatched eyes dart all over my face, then the rest of me, assessing.
I might be almost naked, but I can feel the intent: he’s checking if I’m hurt.
“Are you okay? Vince told me about Olli.”
I don’t even want to know what I look like right now—probably exhausted and like a wet rat. Oh, and my eyes must be red and puffy from crying, which might be why Micah’s looking at me like I’m about to break apart. But at least I no longer smell like bonfire smoke and lake water, and I’m sand-free.
“Hey.” He lowers his voice to a whisper, cupping my cheek with one hand. “Do you wanna talk about it?”
“I…yeah?” Although I’m tired, the whole night sits like a stone in my chest, heavy and pushing down on my heart. I take a deep breath, leaning into Micah’s hand to leech warmth and strength through the contact before I carefully step out of the shower, sitting down on the closed lid of the toilet.
Micah pulls the shower curtain the rest of the way open and sits down on the lip of the bathtub.
“I really wanted to just stay home, believe me. But I had a bad feeling about Olli going to that party.”
“Yeah, he was there, alright.” Micah’s face darkens, his brows drawing low over his eyes, making the brown one look almost black. “Caused this huge scene because—” he breaks off, biting his lip.
“Because he and Davenport broke up? Yeah, I know.” I sigh, shaking my head. When I look at Micah, he’s staring at me.
“You knew? How? No one knew! Hell, not even I knew!”
“Olli told me when the kittens got their vaccines. I promise I had no idea before then.” It sounds like a bad excuse, and the doubt on Micah’s face has me pulling up my shoulders. “Really! I—”
“No, no, I believe you.” Micah deflates, finally pushing himself up from where he was crouching in front of the toilet. “Just hard to believe those two were…a thing.” He scrunches up his nose, startling a laugh out of me that ends as abruptly as it started.
“Yeah, they’re an unlikely pair if I ever saw one. Shame it had to end like that.” I clear my throat. Like we’re any more of a likely couple than those two. I cough again, hoping that will clear the sudden lump in my throat.
Micah hums in sympathy, then stretches one arm out to rest his hand on my knee.
I gratefully rest mine on top, tracing along his knuckles as I recount the rest of my evening.
Several times, my voice nearly gives out, but every time Micah’s thumb rubs over my skin, more words flow out of me.
I intentionally avoid looking at Micah while I’m talking, despite the sharp breaths he takes here and there.
I feel hollow after the words have gotten out.
Like they were the last thing inside of me, and now I’m entirely empty.
“Holy shit.” Micah’s eyes are huge as he slowly shakes his head. At some point, his fingers have become entangled with mine. Once more, his eyes trail over me before settling on my face. “Is Olli okay?”
“Yeah, just under observation at the hospital, but physically…I guess he’s okay.”
“Did you see who…?”
“I’m…I’m not sure.” I shake my head, raising my other hand, gesturing helplessly until I notice my shaking fingers and quickly let it sink again, trapping it between my bare knees. “Mia’s got some on video, but it was so dark, I don’t know if you can even see anything.”
“Yeah, sorry, I…I get it.” Micah takes a deep breath. “I’m glad you’re okay,” he says shakily, then notices my trapped hand. He frowns and pulls off his shirt in one motion, then holds it out to me.
I open my mouth to protest, but then simply take the shirt and pull it over my head, letting the overly large garment wrap around me comfortably.
Micah smiles, reaching out to pluck at the collar to get it to lie neatly over my collarbones before his face sobers up again.
“I wish I had been there; I must have literally missed it by five minutes or so. Seb was freaking out, and I was just glad I managed to talk some sense into him, and then I got home, and the house was empty—” He bites his lip.
“It’s better that Davenport wasn’t there.
And I’m glad you weren’t either. It…it wasn’t a good scene.
” I take the moment to interrupt, not wanting him to feel guilty over something he had no control over.
I’m somewhat annoyed by the pity I feel for Micah’s best friend.
It would be so much easier if I could just be angry at him.
But knowing Micah’s position, knowing everything else that’s lying heavily on his shoulders… I can’t muster up more than sadness.
“That must’ve been so hard,” I voice my thoughts out loud. “Hiding their relationship, I mean. Can you imagine? For a whole year?”
“Linden, I…” Micah’s voice trails off.
I wish I could stop talking, but I’m bursting at the seams with yet more thoughts that desperately need out. “I mean, wow. Never going out together, always afraid of being caught? God, I could never—I mean, I know we aren’t, but if—”
“Linden.”
“Christ, can you imagine what someone would do if this had come out when he was in the NFL? I mean, could you imagine if that were us in a year or so?”
“Linden!”
Micah wraps his arms around me, pulling me against his shoulder. He smells so familiar, like his lavender shampoo and spices. Finally, my mouth snaps shut.
“This…this is all,” Micah says, shaking his head before he looks at me. His eyes are mirroring the fear and uncertainty that’s swirling in my own head. “A lot. We never even talked about what comes after the summer. This was supposed to be just us gathering experience together.”
“I know, I know.” I rub my stinging eyes. I don’t even know if it’s new tears or tiredness that makes them itch.
“You have Colin, and I—”
I wiggle free of his embrace so I can use both my arms to gesture. Hopefully, that conveys the helplessness and desperation I feel, both about our situation and about my inability to string my thoughts and feelings into coherent sentences.
“I know! Micah, I’m so sorry for…for word-vomiting all this at you, and I’m absolutely in no state to talk about this like you deserve. I just…I need to get it out of my head before I explode.” Against my expectations, Micah doesn’t huff or get impatient. He doesn't even tell me to fuck off. No.
He laughs.
I puff up, indignant, because I truly mean it, but I can only get so mad when the melodic sound of his chuckle warms me from the inside out.
“Not funny,” I grumble, reluctantly letting him take my hand and pull me into another hug.
His chest thrums against mine, like a big purring cat. It’s infuriatingly soothing, damn him. Micah’s eyes are bright when he recovers, and he winks.
“Sounds dangerous.”
“Exactly. Dangerous, not funny at all,” I agree and then climb to my feet so I can stand over him, needing to be closer.
I’m already warmer now that I’m wearing his shirt as well as the towel, but this is more than just feeling cold.
I need to feel our bodies touching at every possible point.
“I know what we said, but I also know what I feel.” I cringe and reach out quickly to cover Micah’s mouth with my hand.
“Shush! I really like what we have. Not just the sex, the…I like sleeping with you. And…and I like you. A lot. But I don’t want to push you into any commitment!
As I said, I'm way too tired to be talking about this. Hell, I probably don’t even make sense.
And after what happened tonight, we both owe it to each other to not jump into anything without really thinking about it.
” I swallow thickly, shaking my head. “I don’t want…
I don’t want to hurt you. But I also…right now, I don’t know if I could take any of this, so I really—” I take a deep breath, then groan when I realize I have no idea what to say next.
“God, if only they covered this in that damn book too!”
“No,” Micah hums quietly, gently, his lips pressing against my palm.
His hands, first a soft pressure, then a reassuring presence on my thighs, settle against my lower back.
From there, they find their way under the big shirt until they’re fanned out, warming my naked skin, like two heating pads. “Sounds way better coming from you.”
“Okay, good, because that’s about as much talking as I can do right now.
” I sigh, letting myself fall forward to bury my face against Micah’s shoulder.
I have no idea if that’s even appropriate after what I just said, but I couldn’t care less right now.
If Micah doesn’t feel the same for me, at least I’m sure I don’t make him uncomfortable. He’d tell me.
“You weren’t even finished.” Micah laughs, but he still hugs me, so maybe he doesn’t mind that much either.
“That was kinda it,” I mumble into his chest. “Need my bed…if you want, we could go together? Just sleep,” I clarify, although I probably don’t have to. If he let me, I could fall asleep right here against his chest, stiff neck and cold feet be damned.
“Yeah, let’s go,” Micah says, then does just that—gets up and simply takes me along with him.
I yelp, both in surprise and protest. The sudden movement makes me dizzy, and thankfully, he lets me slide down slowly until my feet are back on the floor.
“Show-off,” I grumble fondly when he just smiles. I still take his hand as we make our way across the hallway into my room.