Chapter 40
The “bats the chairs, tables, and parasols are all mismatched, but it’s packed with guests anyway.
Everyone wants to enjoy as many warm evenings as they can get while the summer still lasts.
A waitress weaves through the tables, delivering milkshakes and ice-cream sundaes.
I try to stay out of her way as I pick my way through the patio tables until I can slide into the chair across from Colin. “Hi!”
“Hey.” He looks up, eyebrows drawn low, dimming his smile significantly. “We really could have met at my place.”
“Yeah, I know. I just wanted to talk first.” And I suspect coming to Colin’s apartment would have given him the wrong idea about how things are between us.
Our chat reflects the distance that I felt growing since we last saw each other: There’s a huge gap between his beach picture and Colin’s last message that simply said ‘I’m back’.
After my ‘Welcome back!’ the chat had been neglected again until I asked to meet up here. Possibly also my fault, since I couldn’t muster up the energy to ask him how his trip had gone.
Instead, my mind circles back to the party and its aftermath if I don't constantly rein it in. Most often, after walking past the door to Olli’s room, which is empty now.
Sometimes it also sneaks up on me when I’m driving to the shelter, passing along the lakeside that glimmers peacefully in the sun.
And on top of that, I'm working on meeting an entirely different deadline I've set myself, thinking about whether or not I could possibly date Micah in secret.
With all of that, it’s been hard to consider someone’s vacation in Europe.
Especially since I have at least made up my mind about this.
There's not even a glimmer of doubt in my mind that for me, there's no future that includes Colin as a partner.
In truth, I haven't even missed him or his texts. I feel cold and insensitive thinking about it, let alone texting it to him. No, that’s an in-person talk topic, which is why I'm here.
“Well then, let’s talk.” Colin heaves a sigh, leaning forward onto the table with both arms. “Europe was great, by the way.”
“Good, I’m glad you had fun.” I nod. “I was at my parents’ farm, helping out with the cherry harvest.”
“Oh.” Colin tilts his head. “Does that mean you didn’t get to take care of your problem?”
I blink at him a few times, then snort when I figure that my “problem” was being a virgin. What an elegant way to change the topic to what I was hoping to avoid for another minute, until I had laid out some words in my head.
“No, don’t worry, I, uhm, definitely got a lot—” I cut myself off when I realize how it sounds. My face grows warm, and I very carefully keep my thoughts away from anything Micah-related.
“Okay, listen, I know you wanted me to…” I lower my voice, looking left and right, but no one cares about our conversation. Warmth trails up my neck and settles in my cheeks and ears, but I continue talking. “Save my first time for you, but I, uhm…I met someone.”
“...duh, that was the whole point, wasn't it?” Colin gestures vaguely. “Did you…make some good memories?”
“…yes.” I can't help but smile at the tentative flutter in my stomach, then quickly clear my throat to get back on track. “We, uh, we didn't just experiment, though. I slept with him.”
“Wow. From virgin to—” Thankfully, he cuts himself off when the waitress comes hurrying over, her curls bouncing in time with her steps.
“I’m so sorry for the wait. What can I get you?”
I throw her a reassuring smile, hoping it doesn’t betray my discomfort. “No worries, two ginger lemonades, please.”
“Coming right up!” she throws Colin, who’s chewing on his lip and refuses to answer, a curious glance, but then bustles away.
The silence between us doesn’t leave with her. I have to bite the inside of my cheeks to not feel obligated to speak up before I’m ready, just to fill the quiet.
A few tense minutes later, the waitress places two glasses filled to the brim with gently fizzing liquid, garnished with fresh mint leaves and big square ice cubes bobbing on the table between Colin and me.
I give her a twenty and tell her to keep the change, carefully lifting my glass and taking a short sip before slowly leaning forward again.
“I'm very sorry this isn't going how you expected.”
Colin scoffs, but I pretend I didn't hear him.
My heart is beating in my throat, but I will get through this.
Right now, I might feel like I'm doing something terrible, but really, it's just a tough conversation.
And at the end of it, whether or not I disappointed someone, at least I won't have betrayed a part of myself.
“I should have said so right away, but well…too late now, so at least I wanna talk about it. And…and maybe you can understand.” Colin still hasn't uncrossed his arms, but again, I keep going.
“It hurt when you said that my being a virgin was like being unsure about being gay. Like it didn't matter how I—”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you!” he snaps, leaning forward so suddenly that he almost knocks over his own glass of lemonade. “The last guy I dated cheated on me with a woman! Clearly, I needed some proof about you.”
I swallow down the indignant question about proof that’s at the tip of my tongue, or what he would have to say if I were bi or pan, but my eyebrows still climb up my forehead.
Colin sees and starts gesturing, his voice rising when he hurries to keep talking. “You don’t even know what that’s like! Because you have no experience. And I totally didn’t want to be the one to ruin your first time because halfway through, you realized you didn’t actually like men.”
I wait for a beat so we can both calm down again, then tilt my head at him. “Okay, serious question: are you attracted to me?”
“What? I mean…sure? Why else would I want to date you?”
“No, I mean…did it ever cross your mind to explore this with me? And no, I’m not saying you had to go through with it if it made you uncomfortable, but why, if you genuinely wanted to be with me, would you want me to experiment with someone else first?”
“So you could be sure a relationship with a man is what you wanted.” Colin frowns. “I wasn’t about to risk getting hurt again just to be your college experiment.”
“I understand that, but can you try to understand why that made me feel like you’re not that into me?”
“That—” he cuts himself off, shaking his head. “I…guess?” He leans back in his chair.
“Because that's what I thought we could have: build trust and intimacy by getting to know what we both like, which…would then lead to a relationship.” It's a herculean effort to ignore the way my heart leaps in my chest at that. Because it's exactly what I have with Micah.
At least that first half.
I quickly stuff my idiotic hope back down.
“Which is also why I…well…why I want to be with him.”
“Oh, that’s rich. Lecturing me about not helping you, and now you’re saying you’re with someone else? What the hell!”
“Colin.” I sigh, frowning at him. “We only ever agreed to see where this would go when you came back.
You told me to find someone else, and I'm not going to apologize for growing close to him. Because”—I raise my voice to keep him from interrupting me—“I went along with what felt right.” I think back to how soft my mornings and evenings feel, waking up next to Micah and cuddling up with him at night.
“And this feels right. I want to see where things will go.” If he gives me a chance, I add silently.
Colin doesn't have to know it's not a given.
“I really hope you’ll find someone who makes you feel safe and happy.” I take a breath, oddly satisfied despite the silence that sits between us now that I've stopped talking.
At last, Colin pulls the second lemonade over to himself, poking at the ice cubes before he picks up the glass and takes a big gulp.
I mirror him and take a few more sips too, slowly relaxing into my chair.
“Maybe I'm not as over my ex as I thought I was,” he mutters after a long while.
It's not exactly an apology, or even an acknowledgment that this was doomed from the start, but I smile at Colin anyway. I got everything off my chest, so truly, I don't hold a grudge against him.
“I'm sorry you got hurt like that.” I bite my lip for a moment, unsure how much honesty is good in this moment. “I, uhm, I hope you can heal and…well…open up to your next partner.”
“Thanks,” Colin says, attempting a smile, but it fails to reach his eyes. He empties his glass and then gets up, but lingers next to the table. “I guess I'll…see you around.”
“Yeah,” I say, grateful he didn't drop a line about texting as friends. “Take care,” I add a bit too late. Colin is already squeezing through the chairs and tables.
I stay to finish my lemonade, trying to enjoy the warm evening like everyone else, but my mind keeps running ahead, finally free and yet eager to point out the next problem: I have to tell Micah about my decision—and hope he feels the same.