Chapter 3 #2
She was right there . Steps away with no idea I was this close.
And though I knew better than to do what the Occulti told me, I braced myself, this time dropping my shoulders as I charged forward, as if I could will the window of light into submission by brute force.
The pain latched on to every muscle again as I collided with the brightness and fell backward, writhing against the burn as it traveled over my entire bodiless form.
The Occulti grew more frantic still. They were enjoying watching me fail.
Fuck. This.
I stood, steeling my spine as I lunged forward and into the light again.
A carnal roar tore through my chest as I used everything within me to push.
But within a few seconds, I was back in the darkness, panting through gritted teeth.
Five, four, three… I counted down the seconds until the pain subsided enough for me to try again. And again. And again.
I threw myself toward the light over and over, never gaining traction, never making it farther than a few feet, never making it any closer to Petra.
The Occulti whirred and swarmed behind me, their screeches growing louder still, dulling only when the light spit me back into the darkness and the pain had grown so great I had to stop and catch my breath.
Air heaved in and out of me as I stared at her profile, and as the burn slowly wore away, the truth slowly took its place, twice as excruciating.
There would be no making it through.
Petra’s attention suddenly shifted, her eyes darting to look directly into mine.
“Petra!” I called, my throat raw. She was looking right at me, but no recognition pulled at her features.
She had to see me. She had to see me . “Petra! I’m right here!
” It was only a moment before her gaze turned back to Larka and the two of them leaned back against the bench.
“Petra! Petra! Dammit! No!” I beat a fist into the light, barely flinching at the sparks that crackled against me as I did.
“No, no, no! ” With every beat of my fist, with every cry that left my mouth, every plea, the Occulti grew more manic.
My fist fell to my side. Something pinched in my chest at the sight of her. Even battleworn and exhausted, she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. As beautiful as the day I’d met her — even more so, now that I knew both the fierceness and softness that lived in her heart.
I didn’t deserve her forgiveness, and yet she gave it to me.
I didn’t deserve her kindness either, and yet, she’d given that to me, too.
I didn’t deserve her understanding. Her mercy.
Her trust. I had it all. She’d given me everything.
But most of all, I didn’t deserve her love — not even an ounce of it.
And yet, for some Saints damned reason, she loved me. Me.
She’d given it all to me, and I lost her again.
And I supposed this was my penance for all I’d done to her. The lying. The deception. The daggers I’d pointed at her unsuspecting and undeserving back. This was my punishment — living in some dark, endless void adjacent to her, knowing I’d never make my way to the other side.
But she was safe.
I fell to my knees, a numbness spreading through my chest. She was safe, and that was what mattered.
My eyes remained on her for one final moment before she turned away from me, suddenly shooting to her feet and running out of view.
Larka’s face lit up with a smile as she stood too, making her way slowly in the same direction as her sister.
I craned my neck, trying to catch sight of Petra again, but she was gone.
The Occulti rushed around behind me, unseen in the darkness as I stared at the bench where Petra had been sitting. Tears pricked the backs of my eyes.
“Look further,” the Occulti whispered, a crazed edge to the amalgamation of voices.
I was so broken, I absentmindedly followed the order, my eyes moving through the scene before me. She deserved to spend eternity in a place so beautiful. So different from Inkwell. So different from the castle in Eserene. So… Wait.
Panic was a hot barb in my chest, piercing deep and true when my eyes landed on it. On the slope of a hill, far off in the distance, was a patch of scorched earth. A scar on an otherwise pristine world. An imperfection amid perfection itself.
“What is that?” I whispered.
“What does it look like?” the Occulti answered, goading me .
It looked like Malosym was trying to break into Heaven, but I sure as fuck was not about to say that out loud. “Tell me what it is,” I snarled.
“You know exactly what it is.”
My head shook violently as I stepped back from the light.
I pivoted, running around where it hovered in the nothingness as if there was a backside to it, but all that I found was more of the same blinding light.
Without a thought, I took off in the direction of the mark, as if Heaven and this void overlapped and if I could just run far enough into the darkness…
“You won’t find it,” the Occulti cackled, as if they read my thoughts.
I pumped my arms, pushing my legs harder than I ever had before, running into the empty void.
They were lying. I’d find it, I just had to keep running.
If I covered enough of this incorporeal ground, I could find the spot.
Maybe there would be a portal there like the one Malosym had opened, the one I’d followed Petra through.
But there was nothing. For as far as I could see, there was just nothing.
My run slowed to a walk, my breath sawing in and out of my lungs. I turned back to see the light shining in the distance, once again nothing more than a speck. A tiny spark in the vast, empty expanse.
“Fuck!” I shouted. The incessant chatter of the Occulti mocked me, taunted me, latched on to the anguish I felt and twisted it into something worse. You can’t get to her. You can’t do it. You’re stuck.
No. I damn well may be stuck here. I damn well may not be able to get there, but I was going to warn her if it was the last thing I fucking did.
I would live out my days here in this unrelenting darkness, but I’d gladly cast myself — condemn myself — to the deepest pits of Hell before I let a drop of that darkness tarnish Petra’s world.
No more thinking. No more worrying .
I held my sword to my face again, staring into the glow of the rubies.
That crimson light stoked my fury, the hum reverberating through me.
Even though I had no form, no body, I felt it in every single one of my bones.
With my blade in one fist and the other clenched at my side, I stalked forward.
Back toward the light, toward my one pathway to get to Petra.
My shoulders were tense, my jaw tight as sheer determination roiled through me.
“You can’t do it,” the Occulti jeered. “You’ll never get to her. You’ll spend forever right here.”
Every taunt pushed me further, every tease served as kindling on the fire burning in my chest, until at last, I stood before the light once again. And with no other ideas, without the slightest clue what the fuck I was doing, I raised my sword.
Agony pierced through me as I swung for the light.
There was resistance, as if I were slicing through water, and sparks skittered over my skin.
I gritted the teeth I didn’t seem to have, felt the invisible veins in my neck and temples pop out with exertion as I swung and sliced and fought.
The Occulti were a hurricane of activity behind me, their high-pitched trilling growing more frenetic with each swing of my blade.
And with every swing of my blade, the pain worsened.
I managed one step into the light, then another, quieting every instinct telling me to stop.
Every second that passed was an eternity.
Every swing of my sword was agony. I was burning alive.
Cracking open. Imploding. Exploding. The Occulti grew louder, swarmed faster.
The edges of my vision went black despite the light that was glowing brighter and brighter the deeper I moved.
A little further. I had to be seconds away from breaking through. That’s what I told myself. A few more seconds, and you can find her.
The Occulti behind me seemed to slow for a moment, their frenzied energy dimming into something different as I took another agonizing step.
Agitation radiated from the swarm, their high-pitch, excited hisses giving way to sharp-edged snarls.
I didn’t know what it meant — wasn’t sure I wanted to know.
I fought for every step. I fought to keep conscious. I fought through the torture to get to her. To warn her Malosym was coming, that she hadn’t escaped him yet.
The invisible force was wrecking my consciousness, and I wondered how the fuck it could hurt so badly when I had no body. And still, it ripped me apart. Would there even be anything left of me by the time I made it through?
“ No ,” the Occulti hissed behind me. “No!”
Almost there, so damn close, so…
My limbs flailed as I fell through the air, the blue sky the last thing I saw before everything went dark.