Chapter 14 #3
However, he had no more than relaxed his guard when another detail came all too vividly to mind: You must keep to your purpose. Do not become distracted by ways of the flesh. Though you are married, you, your people, must be willing to sacrifice pleasures of the flesh.
The voice was loud in his ears, as though his spirit protector were here with him now. He frowned. Why was he recalling this now? It was not like him to forget the warning. A man did not ignore his vision.
It did, however, cause him to question: Was he distracted? By his wife?
No, this didn’t feel right, plus he didn’t think his wife was a mere distraction.
Rather, what had happened tonight was completely natural.
Although, in truth, he would have to admit he had forgotten about his vision, at least for the time when she had held him in her arms. But what man wouldn’t have done the same?
Remember a man who ignores his dreams merely exists, and much trouble will come to him.
So had spoken his elders.
“Eya!” he uttered the word aloud.
Was he not permitted a brief diversion? She was his wife, and as such, she deserved a husband who would initiate her into the ways of married life. What he had done was not a vice.
Yet he couldn’t shake the idea that he might have erred.
Quietly, he played his own devil’s advocate.
As his tribe’s champion, he was not as free as other men. Indeed, until he had accomplished his task, he was bound by the needs of others. But did those needs include abstaining from relations with his wife?
No. No man need ignore the needs of himself and his wife.
Yet, should he even be married, when he had yet to accomplish the task before him? In truth, until he had met his wife, nothing else had ruled his life. Previously, his romantic encounters had been pleasant, yes, but certainly not as important as his responsibility to his people.
Perhaps this was what was causing his doubt. Somehow, in some way, she had become as important to him as his own people.
How could he have let this happen?
How could she have become the center of his thoughts, when his duty to his people was, as yet, unfulfilled?
Perhaps she had medicine? If she did, it was surely a strong medicine. For when he was with her, thoughts of his tribe, his duty, his obligation disappeared, as though they were mere obstacles to something greater. Nothing, except her, mattered.
This was not good. Not that she had done anything wrong. She had merely been female, acting in the role of his wife.
Rather he recognized the fault was his, alone.
Was a man not supposed to face the rigors of living with a firm resolve?
Indeed, as the old ones would say, a man should not be swayed by the physical pleasures of life, nor be cowardly in the face of danger.
Instead, he should show fortitude, and perhaps in this instance, abstinence.
Abstinence?
The thought was not a pleasant one. Was it even possible to be married to his wife and abstain from the pleasure of her beauty? Even when she so sweetly teased him with it?
You must keep to your purpose. Do not become distracted by ways of the flesh. Though you are married, you, your people, must be willing to sacrifice pleasures of the flesh.
Damn! He cursed softly to himself, then sighed. Whether it was possible to forego the intimacy of marriage or not, he knew he had to try. But how?
Should he refuse to see her? Impossible. Not only was she his wife, he could very little deny she might have a part to play in his own personal drama. After all, was it not her voice from his dreams?
Here, indeed, was a dilemma.
Should he tell her? Would she leave him if he did?
And then he rememered:
“The truth is I want only the fact I am married legally, so my child is not born out of wedlock. But beyond this, I want nothing. I will require not a thing from you, not even your presence in my life, for once the child is born, I fully intend to return to England.”
There it is, then. He already had the answer to his question. But might she not have changed her mind about him, especially after tonight?
The truth was, from the beginning, when she had declared her intentions, a very male part of him had taken up the challenge. Essentially, he had scooped up the dare so easily, he had inadvertently made it his plan to cause her to change her mind.
It was an intention he still possessed.
Yet, it would appear she distracted him too greatly from his duty. Yet, if he were to keep her with him, he should be ready and willing to satisfy her physical need.
Unless…
If he could induce her to love him, perhaps the erotic nature of their life together might become unimportant.
However, could he make her love him?
Maybe. He already possessed her passion. Was love not the next stage?
Did he love her?
For all that the question was natural, it still startled him. But he was quick to recover; it was a pointless debate.
Whether he loved her or not, he did desire her, and therein was the root of the problem. He could not have her. At least not until such a time when he had released himself from this nearly impossible duty.
“Eya! Damn!” It was a maddening predicament.