Chapter Fifteen #2
A soldier wished them good luck in finding their families but it lacked any true warmth.
Sam picked up Klara and took Elsa’s arm and quickly navigated them through the military trucks, tanks and jeeps that criss-crossed their path.
Some distance away they found relative safety under a tree.
Sam looked around and indicated which way they should walk.
They did not speak again until they were treading the deep furrows of a ploughed field and in relative seclusion.
‘Did you find out anything about the war?’
Sam’s tone was clipped and tense. She glanced up but his expression told her nothing.
‘I heard someone say that the Allies have entered Germany via Belgium and France.’ Her stomach churned at what this meant. ‘We are fighting on our own soil in the west, too.’
‘You mean Germany is fighting on its own soil.’
The frustration in his voice surprised her. ‘You are still angry with me?’
He turned on her. ‘Damn right I am! What were you thinking, accepting a lift with them?’
‘I’m sorry. I told them we didn’t need a lift but that made them suspicious. It happened so fast.’
He pulled the schnapps bottle from his coat and tossed it aside. ‘Why didn’t you try harder to say no?’
‘He insisted. I felt he wanted to help.’
‘Your only thought was getting to Bremen.’ He pointed at the distant road, which was lined with military vehicles. A convoy was heading westwards, kicking up a trail of brown dust in its wake. ‘It is a miracle they didn’t realize I was British.’
‘One of them wouldn’t stop staring at you. I thought he might have known but no longer cared.’
‘I don’t believe he knew. If he did he would have called you a traitor and shot me.’
He turned round to look at her when she stopped. Realization dawned on his face. ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have called you that.’
Elsa marched past Sam, angry with him for voicing what she was already feeling herself.
‘Elsa, don’t take it to heart.’
‘How can I? I have no heart. I am a traitor.’
He caught her arm to slow her. ‘Now you are being silly.’
His words only riled her more. ‘You don’t understand. I sat among them pretending to be someone I’m not. Those men are about to sacrifice their lives for people like me.’ Her eyes smarted with shame. ‘And I’m helping a man who would happily shoot them in the head if he had a gun!’
He pulled her into his arms. ‘Hush!’ He looked around to see if anyone had heard. ‘You’ll get us all killed.’
She stiffened and pushed him away.
Sam frowned. ‘Is that what you want?’
‘Of course it’s not!’
‘Then I don’t understand what just happened back there. You had a choice. You could have made an excuse and refused the lift but you didn’t. Why would you put me in that position?’
‘I didn’t mean to.’
‘That’s not good enough. You are an intelligent woman, but what you did back there was naive.’
She turned away.
‘Unless you didn’t really care about what might happen to me. Did last night mean nothing to you? It meant something to me! All it took was Gerhard to smile at you and offer you a lift and suddenly you no longer care!’
‘Of course I care!’
‘Then help me to understand what possessed you to say yes.’
‘He was being kind.’
‘He is a soldier who kills his enemy.’
‘I didn’t think about how it would be riding in the truck. I knew I’d done the wrong thing, but before we got in it felt easier to say yes. He insisted and I was afraid if I continued to refuse it would raise his suspicions.’
‘I couldn’t hide from them in that truck, Elsa. If I’d made one mistake—’
‘Stop it! I don’t want to think about it.’
‘That is the problem right there! You didn’t think about it. You just hoped it wouldn’t happen.’
‘When he suggested it, he was being helpful and kind. He reminded me of Otto and his offer felt genuine. It turned out I was right. No harm came from it.’
Sam opened his arms to the sky as if talking to God above.
‘And that is my point!’ He turned to her.
‘Even now, you don’t realize the danger I was in.
If that “kind” soldier was Otto, Otto would have happily picked up his gun and shot me too.
When you are a soldier you do terrible things, Elsa.
It turns nice people into killers. That is what war is. ’
‘What do you want from me, Sam? What do you want me to say? I’ve said I’m sorry.’
He shook his head. ‘I don’t know.’ He kicked a stone on the ground. ‘I really don’t know how I feel about all of this.’
‘I don’t either.’
He looked at her, surprised. ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’
Her eyes dropped to his lips. Their night together seemed like a distant, sweet dream they had not shared. She turned away and stared at the ground. For the first time she noticed the rumble of military vehicles had finally stopped.
‘I don’t know what I want,’ she whispered. ‘I thought I did, but I don’t.’
‘What does that mean?’ He caught her shoulders so she had to face him. ‘Do you want to travel to Bremen alone?’
‘I don’t know!’ She shrugged his hands off so she could think . . . and breathe. She inhaled deeply. ‘Those men . . . they were just like Otto. I don’t know what to think any more.’
‘Perhaps there are times to not think too much.’
‘If they had called me a traitor . . . if they had beaten or killed you . . . then I would have a reason to hate them. But they were nice to us at the house. Soldiers like Gerhard were my neighbours. They were the sons of my neighbours. My brother and father have experienced what they have. They are not faceless people to me, Sam. When I look at them they have the faces and hearts of people I know. And I found myself sitting with them knowing I was betraying them.’
‘And this is what you feel?’
‘It is one part of what I feel.’ She stepped away from him.
‘And the other part?’
‘Is the opposite. I resent them for wanting to hurt you and I shouldn’t feel like that because I know that if they were British soldiers and you were German, they would have shot you too. And why should that be any better?’
When Sam didn’t reply, she answered for him. ‘It isn’t. The right thing to do is for me to be on the side of my own people, but when I am, I feel wrong. I feel wrong whatever I do.’
Sam frowned as her words sunk in. ‘I thought it didn’t matter to us what side we are on.’
‘I thought it didn’t matter either. But you have made it clear that it does.’
A muscle worked in Sam’s jaw. He repositioned his rucksack over his shoulder. ‘You can leave me anytime, Elsa. We are not tied together.’
‘Aren’t we? It feels like it.’
‘No, we are not. In fact, you may travel quicker without me. You could catch a train.’
‘I have no money. Besides, many of the tracks have been blown up.’
‘Get a lift. You will no longer be saddled with your deaf and dumb brother.’
‘Saddled? I don’t understand.’
‘You will no longer be a traitor if you continue your journey without me. In fact, I can travel faster without you too. I can sleep under any hedge when I’m alone, but with you and Klara I have to find shelter. I won’t have to worry about either of you any more.’
She stepped in front of him and pushed hard on his chest. ‘Don’t talk like that. Stop it! Stop it!’
He lifted his arms wide. ‘Why? You just said that travelling with me is making you feel like a traitor. That is easy to solve. We go our separate ways.’
Elsa was on a precipice. ‘Is that what you want?’ she asked.
He looked at her, as if searching for something and not finding it. ‘I don’t know,’ he replied quietly.
He must have seen the pain his words inflicted as he turned and began to walk.
Unwilling to press him further, she fell silent, took Klara’s hand and walked beside him. He took Klara’s other hand and the little girl walked silently between them, her warm, small hands linking them, though they might as well have been a hundred miles apart.
Again, things had changed between them and Elsa had not seen it coming. Only the night before she had felt true passion in his arms. Now it was a distant memory that was so friable she feared it might disappear for ever.