Chapter Twenty-Four #2
Sam’s mind was racing. All these years of writing to various places to find out what had happened to Elsa, and he had never dared consider that there was anything further he could offer or do beyond finding news of her and seeing her face again.
He shook his head in disbelief. He hadn’t thought it was possible to marry a German woman and bring her to England.
Not after such a terrible bloodthirsty war that had robbed families of their sons and husbands.
The realization shocked him, yet now he dared to think the impossible.
‘You don’t want to meet Helene?’ asked Ben.
Sam looked at Ben’s house anew. No longer a small cottage squashed between two others, but a homely sanctuary for a couple who had fallen in love against the odds.
‘Yes, of course I want to meet her.’ He smiled broadly for the first time in months and gave Ben a brotherly slap on the back. ‘If she can put up with you as her husband, she must be a fine woman.’
* * *
Ben was in mid-flow of another trip into the past, dragging memories of peaceful times and daubing them with the vibrant colours of storytelling.
Sam soon realized that, as young children, they had spent far more time together than he’d first thought and knew many of the same people.
As the fire crackled in the grate and the table was laden with as much as the family could offer, this was the most relaxed he had felt in a long time.
He even found himself laughing as he saw his own youthful pranks once again in Ben’s telling of them.
They seemed more daring, more exciting through another child’s eyes.
Yet as much as he enjoyed Ben’s reminiscing, his eyes strayed time and time again to Helene, as if by simply looking at her he was somehow nearer to Elsa.
She too had honey-coloured hair, but whereas Elsa had soft features, Helene had a strong jawline and a serious expression.
However, she was a doting mother and a caring wife who had brought stability and children into a former soldier’s life.
They were the things Sam longed for. Ben’s young son had inherited his mother’s features and temperament, albeit with a need to entertain others, just like his father.
Sam wondered what Helene thought about living far from home in a culture she was unfamiliar with.
He desperately wanted to ask her. The hour soon turned to two, and before they all knew it, the child was ready for bed and Helene was taking him upstairs.
The boisterous noise and antics went with them, leaving the sitting room in temporary comforting silence.
Ben and Sam sat back in their chairs as a veil of amber flames danced in the grate. ‘I met a woman while I was in Germany,’ Sam blurted out. ‘A German woman,’ he added needlessly. He glanced up at Ben. ‘I’ve not told anyone that before.’
‘Is she still in Germany?’
Sam nodded. ‘I believe so. We met after I escaped, sometime in February 1945. We sheltered in the same barn and we ended up travelling across Germany together — well, some of it’s in Poland now.
She had family in Bremen and was fleeing the Russian Army’s advance.
We said our goodbyes on the outskirts of Bremen. ’
Ben blew a soft whistle in surprise. ‘You survived in enemy territory all that time?’
‘Yes, thanks mainly to her.’
‘Why did she travel with you when she could have travelled with all the other refugees? I hear there were a lot of displaced people at that time.’
‘She had a Jewish child with her. She was hiding her in plain sight, yet at the same time felt she could trust no one. The little girl was called Klara.’ He found himself smiling as he thought of her.
‘And she thought it would be safer travelling with the enemy?’
‘Elsa was very blonde. I had dark hair, like Klara’s. I think she thought the child would be less obvious if she looked like part of a family.’
‘She trusted you enough.’
‘Not at first, but she came to.’
‘Brave lady.’
‘Very.’
‘Bremen took a bashing.’
Sam winced. ‘I know.’
Ben stared at the fire. He shifted in his seat and placed a log on the fire. Sam couldn’t blame him for his silence. There was nothing Ben could say to make Sam feel any better.
‘I don’t know if Elsa and Klara survived the war. I think about them every day.’ I think about Elsa every hour!
‘Is she the reason you haven’t married?’ asked Ben.
‘Probably.’
‘I’m sorry to hear that.’
‘I’ve tried to find her. I’ve written to the army posted in Bremen and the Red Cross working there. I’ve even thought about going back and looking for her, but I eventually found out that her address no longer exists . . .’
‘And what if you did find her?’
‘What do you mean?’
‘Maybe it is best not to look for her.’
‘Why?’
‘Because what would you say? “Hello, Elsa. I just wanted to find out if you are still alive. Ah! Excellent! I can see you are. Right, I’m off now. Goodbye and good luck.”’ Ben raised an eyebrow at him.
‘Look, Sam, things are still difficult in Germany. It will be years before they recover. She’s scrabbling around trying to survive and you’d be turning up at her door with the only aim to resolve your guilt and curiosity. ’
‘I promised her I would try to find her again. I want to know that she is all right.’
‘A letter would achieve that.’
‘I’ve written countless letters and still don’t know how she is. I should never have left them. We could see Bremen had been bombed.’
Ben sat forward. ‘What could you have done? If you’d stayed behind enemy lines you’d have been shot.
It’s a miracle you survived at all. If she was a good woman, which by your own account she was, then she would have been glad you were behind the Allies’ front line and no longer in enemy territory.
’ They heard Helene descending the stairs.
‘You have to stop beating yourself up about it. Or do something about it.’
‘Maybe I don’t want to just find out if she is okay.’
‘What do you mean?’
‘What was it like for Helene?’
‘I don’t understand.’
‘To leave Germany and live in England?’
‘Are you serious? Are you thinking of asking this woman to marry you and bringing her to England?’
‘You did.’
‘But that was different. I got to know Helene during peacetime and we saw each other often before we married. You met Elsa during the war when everything was so much more—’
‘Intense? Dangerous? You don’t think my feelings are genuine?’
‘Yes. No.’ Ben rubbed his head as if to clear his thoughts. ‘I don’t know. Who am I to judge? We are at peace now.’
‘If she survived . . . If she hasn’t married . . . If we find we still have feelings for each other . . .’
‘That’s a lot of ifs,’ Ben argued.
‘You said you’ve not regretted marrying a German.’
Ben scratched the back of his neck. ‘Well . . . I say a lot of things that get me into trouble. Just ask Helene.’
They sat back as Helene opened the door and popped her head through the crack. ‘He wants you to read him a story.’
Ben stood as Helene retreated to the kitchen. ‘I have to go.’ He paused at the door and stared at his hand lingering on the door handle. ‘I’m just afraid it won’t be good news for you, Sam. If she rejects you or if you find that she’s died . . . well, either could break a man.’
‘I’m already broken, Ben. I have to find her and know what happened to her and Klara.
And if I find them, I want to be able to offer Elsa more than a simple hello.
But I’m not a fool. If she feels the same way as me and agrees, she will have to make sacrifices that might cause her a lot of pain and hurt.
Seeing her live a life that she might discover she does not really want would destroy me. ’
‘You have thought a lot about this.’
‘I think of little else.’
A sad half-smile curved Ben’s lip. ‘Then I suggest you talk to Helene. Ask her what it is really like to be a German living in England after a bitter war. Do it now, without me being there.’ He stared at his hand gripping the door handle. ‘I think she will talk more freely if I’m not there.’
‘Why do you say that?’ asked Sam.
‘Sometimes, when I ask her how she is, I think her smile does not reach her eyes when she reassures me she is fine. I’m too much of a coward to ask again.
’ He looked at Sam. ‘My father taught me that a man’s job is to make a happy, safe home for his wife and children.
I’m afraid I’ll discover that in that respect I’ve failed. ’
He was gone before Sam absorbed the warning. Great sacrifices, made in unequal proportions, could raise their heads like snapping serpents whenever there was a row or a family celebration that was so heavily weighted on one side. Could Sam live with that? Should Elsa?
Sam remained where he sat. He looked through the doorway leading towards the kitchen.
He could not see Helene, but he could hear her stacking the dishes.
He felt strange, as if he was at the portal of his future, as if the next few minutes had the power to change his life for ever.
He hadn’t found Elsa yet, but that had not stopped him imagining their first meeting.
Now he had learned it could become a reality.
He almost felt too scared to step through the door.
Perhaps the dream was better than the reality.
He shook himself. He was only gathering information, nothing more. He got up and went in search of Helene.
He found her at the kitchen sink washing a small stack of dirty plates.
Sam felt a wave of shame rise up through him.
How easily a man could be blind to such things.
Belatedly he picked up a dirty plate from the table and brought it over to her, surprising her by his sudden appearance and making him feel even more inadequate in the role of domesticity.
‘Can I help?’
At first he wasn’t sure if she understood him, but then she passed him a tea towel and continued to wash up.