Chapter Twenty-Seven #2
‘And it scares me to think that if this happened here, in my own country, it can happen in any community and in any country in the world. My family and I left Bremen before the war, but Gollnow had a Jewish community and I saw what they did to their property on Kristallnacht. I knew things had taken a sinister turn then, but my apathy—’
‘Naivety.’
‘My fear that I would be punished in some way . . . stopped me from questioning or wanting to know more. A few years after Kristallnacht, I did help to feed a family in hiding, but I never truly grasped where they were taken when they were found. What they must have done to them. I don’t think even they knew . . . until it was too late.’
‘You helped Klara.’
‘When that task was forced upon me.’ Her eyes brimmed with tears.
‘You are being too harsh on yourself. What happened to her? Did you find her family?’
‘She lives with me now. I am her mother. I used tracing services, newspaper notices and searched survivor registries. I found out that the Jews from Stettin were transported to Lublin ghetto. After a while they were taken to Belzec, Majdanek and Sobibor concentration camps. I found her parents’ names on the Sobibor register.
It was a killing camp. They all died there. ’
‘Poor Klara.’
‘She is Miriam now.’
‘How is she?’
‘She’s well. Tall. I don’t know where I would be without her.’
‘She probably doesn’t remember me.’
‘She remembers you, Sam.’
Her words surprised him, but she could tell they meant a lot to him. He looked around as if to give himself time to compose himself.
‘Where is she? Can I see her?’
‘She is at a friend’s house for a birthday party. I expect she will be full of cake by the time I collect her.’
‘Can I see her later?’ he repeated.
‘She would never forgive me if I refused.’
Their glances met and they shared a smile.
‘And now you are helping to build relations between the occupying forces and the German population so that Germany can rebuild. You are doing well for yourself.’
He was being too complimentary in his awkwardness. The flat must seem so small compared to what he must be used to.
‘You make me sound heroic. I’m not. I need to work and I can speak the language they need.’
‘It’s a positive thing to do.’
He was trying to make her feel better about it all and she loved him for it. Loved him.
She turned her attention back to the soup and realized it was bubbling far too furiously. She turned off the burner. ‘What happened to you?’
He indicated one of the wooden chairs at the table. ‘May I?’
She realized she hadn’t offered him a seat and became flustered. ‘Yes. Of course.’ She hurried to fetch a cushion, placed it on the chair and retreated a step. ‘Please sit.’
He sat down with the elegance and domination of a lion returning to his home territory. Oddly, she didn’t mind, only felt ashamed she had not offered him a chair earlier.
‘I was wounded crossing the front line.’
‘Oh!’
‘Not badly, but enough to be sent home.’
A silence descended as she served up the soup. Her confidence in her meal plummeted when she saw the base of the pan coated in black, burnt soup. ‘And then what?’
He frowned, unsure what she meant.
‘Did you return to Cornwall like you hoped to do one day?’
They had shared many thoughts on their journey home, and from his expression it appeared he’d forgotten this particular dream of his.
‘I didn’t think you would remember that.’
‘Of course I would. Why wouldn’t I?’
Sam shrugged. ‘Because I only remember you and not me.’
Elsa turned, holding the two bowls of soup, but she did not put them on the table. I know what you mean, she wanted to say. My memories are of you. Your face. Your hands. Your voice. Your touch. She realized Sam was talking again.
‘Yes, I returned to Cornwall. I’m a builder now. The owner of the business is getting old and wants to hand over the reins when he retires. He has hinted that he wants me to carry on.’
‘But you wanted to be a vet.’
He looked up. ‘I lost the will to try. I lost the will for many things after the war.’
She watched his lips moving as he spoke. She understood. War took years to recover from, if at all. She found herself wondering if he still kissed like he used to.
‘You are going to spill the soup.’
‘That’s nice.’
She could see her answer confused him.
‘Elsa, the soup!’ He suddenly stood and took the bowls from her. She noticed there were black bits floating to the top and realized he’d seen them too.
‘I’m sorry. You have travelled all the way here and I serve you burnt soup.’ She took the bowls from him and poured it back into the pan.
‘It doesn’t matter. I’ve already eaten anyway.’
She dumped the bowls into the washing up bowl. ‘Don’t lie to make me feel better.’
‘Okay, I won’t. It looked and smelled awful.’
She found herself smiling despite her failure. ‘But training to be a vet was important to you.’
‘Finding you was more important to me.’
‘Look at me.’ She spread her trembling fingers out as she stared at them. ‘I can’t stop shaking.’
‘That’s my fault.’
‘I can’t even heat soup.’
He took her arm and turned her to face him. ‘I didn’t come for your soup . . . or anybody else’s soup.’
She dared to meet his gaze. His eyes hadn’t changed. It was the same Sam who had made love to her all those years ago.
He must have taken her silence for doubt as he said, ‘I came to see you.’ He cupped her jawline with his hands. ‘I’ve thought about you for years. Have you thought about me?’
Every day. Every night. ‘Yes, often.’
‘I had no idea if you had survived. I came to see if you are all right.’
His warmth left her skin as his hands fell away. ‘I’m all right.’
She found herself swaying towards him, desperately craving the feel of his body against hers.
As if he felt it too, he finally wrapped his arms about her and drew her close.
She rested her cheek against him and they fell silent so only their breathing whispered in unison.
What does this visit mean? Is he really just here to see if I am all right?
Is it simply to keep his promise, and soon he will be walking away?
‘I felt so guilty for leaving you, knowing our army was advancing.’
Her heart sank lower that it might be only guilt bringing him to her. ‘We could do little else. We were on different sides.’
‘There are no sides now,’ he murmured. ‘Not between us.’
‘You don’t need to feel any guilt,’ she told him. ‘I am well. We are well.’
He stretched a space between them and looked down into her face. ‘It would make things simpler if it was just guilt.’
‘It has never been simple between us, Sam.’
His gaze drifted from hers and to the half-open door of her bedroom. ‘No. It might never be simple.’ The shadow of sadness crossed his face. ‘You still go by the name Kalbach. I didn’t think you were married.’
She followed his gaze. Miriam’s fold-out bed lay next to a double bed. The creases in the second set of pillows showed she sometimes shared her bed.
‘I’m not.’
‘But you sleep with someone.’
She broke away. ‘Don’t jump to conclusions.’
‘I’m sorry. I just hoped nothing had changed.’
‘You appear out of nowhere and want everything to be how it was. Well, it isn’t. It can never be the same.’
‘That’s not what I want. I want more.’ Suddenly his touch was framing her face again.
‘I want this.’ His lips touched hers, instantly setting free the doubts that she had harboured for so long that perhaps his kisses had not been so perfect as she liked to recall.
Shockingly intimate, but as pleasurable and natural as a woman could yearn for.
The intensity and thrill were all the more startling because she hadn’t been kissed for almost six years.
The familiar sensations of warmth swirled inside her and she wanted to sigh with the joy of it all.
Only Sam had ever evoked the sort of feelings that could rob her of her breath.
She found herself weeping tears of relief that he had found her and reminded her that she had not lost the ability to feel more than maternal instinct.
Lately she had begun to fear that her own femininity was somehow broken and that she was hollow inside — with no prospect of feeling anything of consequence again.
He didn’t notice the tears running down her cheeks until they touched his fingers. He pulled away and stared at them.
He frowned with concern. ‘Why are you crying, Elsa?’
She didn’t want doubt to snake its way into their lives and spoil what had just occurred.
She had only just cast it out. She brushed her tears away with a hurried swipe of her hand, but he grasped it mid-air and brought it to his lips.
He kissed her tears that lay in her open fingers then gently pulled her closer to kiss those that remained near her eyes.
She shuddered with relief at his touch, then reached for his hand and silently led him to the bedroom.
The hour that followed was just for them.
Outside, the Earth still turned, time continued to tick and Hamburg and its people continued their relentless attempt to rebuild and finally remove the cloud of rubble dust that was never rinsed away by the rain.
Inside her basic rooms, their world consisted of just the two of them, and they grasped and welcomed this precious opportunity before their time together was snatched away.
And it would end, she reminded herself. He would come to his senses and return to England without her.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but it would happen.
She had been the enemy, and what old soldier would want that?
However, as he kissed and stroked her naked body and she explored his, she could, for the next hour, fool herself that things might be different. After all, he appeared to feel the same intense need to be close to her as she did him.