Chapter 16 #2
“Don’t move,” I whisper.
I close the gap between us, placing my hands on his chest, marveling at the feel of his skin, as hard as granite yet warm.
I can feel his heart beating steadily and become hyper-aware of his breathing, his heady masculine smell fills my senses.
He watches me with unabashed curiosity, but he doesn’t move a muscle, though I can tell it’s taking a lot of willpower for him not to.
Standing on tiptoes, I tentatively kiss his lips.
He doesn’t move for a moment, as if worried that he might break the spell, but then he kisses me back.
It’s soft at first, gentle and tentative, but then our kisses grow more urgent, our tongues exploring, dancing around each other.
I feel his arms twitch at his sides as he resists the urge to touch me.
Taking his hands in mine, I move them to my waist, placing them firmly there and hoping he understands the unspoken command to not move them unless I say so.
My breath hitches at the contact. It’s been so long since I’ve been touched by a man like this, and the memories it brings up aren’t happy ones. I try to shove the thoughts away. This is different. Max is different.
Max doesn’t move and I grow used to his touch, losing myself in our kiss.
I press myself closer to him, enjoying how he tastes of mint and something else, just him.
I break away, trailing kisses along his chiseled jawline to breathe him in, and he does the same, leaving a trail of kisses along my neck that sets me alight.
A breathy sigh of pleasure falls from my lips, and in that moment I’m able to focus on him and him alone.
How good his kisses feel, how different, how right.
I press myself close again, kissing him with renewed passion. But then I feel him hardening inside his pants, his cock eagerly straining against the fabric, so massive and masculine that my certainty begins to waver. All of a sudden, I feel overwhelmed.
Does Max expect us to have sex now? Will I be able to? Kissing him feels incredible, but can I go further? The feel of his huge erection pressing against me has my blood racing. There’s arousal there, yet there’s also fear. I’m not ready for this.
My breath quickens and my heart starts to pound in my chest. I try and throw myself into the kiss, my eyes shut tight, but suddenly I see a pair of pale blue eyes watching me.
Instantly I feel as if I’ve been dowsed in cold water.
It’s not my usual fear of intimacy that’s holding me back.
But the feeling that if I take things further with Max then I’ll be betraying my watcher.
I need to see him. I need to feel his gaze on my while I pleasure myself.
I need to know I’ve not disappointed him somehow.
“Stop!” My voice is strangled as I push Max away, more forcefully than needed, and he immediately stops and removes his hands from me as if scalded.
“Nora, are you okay? Did I do something wrong?” he asks, his voice filled with hurt.
Shame and disappointment flood me. Why can’t I be normal?
I can’t meet his gaze as I reply. “Nothing, it’s just…
I can’t…” I struggle to find the words. I can’t say anything.
There’s nothing I can tell him that would make this situation in any way normal.
To tell him that I can’t bear being touched, that the thought of being naked in front of another person terrifies me.
Tell him what my father did, tell him that the only time I’ve managed to orgasm is when a masked stranger is watching me through my bedroom window.
“Of course, after what happened the other night it’s perfectly normal to be wary of intimacy. I shouldn’t have—” he starts.
“No, god, no. You did nothing wrong, Max,” I insist, cutting him off.
The last thing I want is for him to blame himself for my faults. I wish I could explain it all to him. I do not doubt that he’d be understanding and patient, and try to help me overcome my hang-ups, but I can’t lead him on like that, not when I don’t think I can ever be fixed.
“Nora, talk to me,” he says gently.
“It’s late, I’m tired,” I say, making it clear I want this conversation to be over. I’m not willing to discuss it. “I’ve had too much to drink, so let’s just put it down to that and pretend this never happened.”
“Nora…”
“Please,” I say more harshly than intended, but I need to push him away for his own good.
“This was a mistake. Let’s not make this any more uncomfortable than it needs to be.
Thank you for the door, for everything, I’ll pay you what I owe you, but I can’t do this anymore.
I need you to give me space. Please,” I plead, eyes wide and imploring.
Max hesitates and I know he wants to argue with me, to fight for this tentative bloom we’ve been nurturing that I’ve just trampled on and crushed, but he knows me well enough to realize trying to talk to me now would be pointless. With a sigh, he nods and leaves without a word.
I close the door behind him and finally, I allow myself to break.
I sink to the floor as I sob, crying for the girl I was, for the woman I could be, for the normal life I’ll never have. For the first time in a long time, I feel utterly hopeless and defeated. This is why I don’t try to have a normal relationship. It only ends in heartbreak.