9. Kendall
Kendall
Isit on my bed with my head in my palms, Kai rubbing soothing circles on my back.
I don’t think I have any tears left but I want to cry knowing our lives—our futures—are ruined all because of one mistake.
Kai, on the other hand, seems to be breathing steadily, perfectly calm, which makes me feel even more distressed.
He takes my hand in his and squeezes it lovingly, reassuringly.
“It’s going to be okay. We can figure this out. Our parents will help us. I’ll withdraw from the draft temporarily—"
I pull away from him. “No, Kai. Absolutely not. You can’t do that.
You can’t just put your whole future on hold.
You’ve been working so hard for this.” I feel the floodgates starting to open again and I know I can’t let him do this.
“Maybe there is a way out of this. I can get an abortion. Nothing has to change.” I stare at him waiting for approval. He searches my eyes.
“Except that everything will change. Do you think we can come back from having an abortion? That’s a pretty big loss.”
“Do you think we can come back from having a child at 21 and 22? We’re barely adults ourselves!
” I shout frustrated with this situation and the fact that we’re having this conversation at all.
I’ve been going in circles with myself the past forty-eight hours, unable to think about anything else.
And now Kai and I are talking in circles too, virtually incapable of arriving at an answer.
“That didn’t come out right. I think we can come back from anything.
We can survive anything together. But you specifically going through an abortion and living with that choice—can you do that?
I’m not judging you and I will support whatever decision you make.
I just want us—you—to be absolutely sure.
I want to make the choice that is the best for both of us, especially you. ”
“There are no good choices here, Kai. Just two terrible ones,” I concede.
Hours later, we’re huddled in my bed together. He pulls me close to him, surrounding me with his love, his warmth. His strong steady embrace is enough to soothe me for now.
“Shh, it’s going to be okay. Everything is going to be okay,” he promises. I hear his words replay in my head like a mantra long after he falls asleep. I cling to them and hold on for dear life. And I know I have never felt safer. I’ve also never been more broken.