12. Kai
Kai
“Hello?” she croaks groggily.
“Hey, did I wake you?” I wonder as I pace frantically around my hotel room.
“No, I’m just watching reruns of Gilmore girls, trying to fall asleep. Why, what’s up?”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I need to say something, ask you something before I lose the nerve.” I clench my fist together and unclench it, clench and unclench.
“Okay.”
“Did I conjure up the five years we were together and our entire childhood before that? Did I imagine it? Every kiss, every touch, every laugh. Every time we were together and it felt like it meant something, everything. Every goddamn moment with you—"
“Kai, no,” she says defensively, her tone sharp but certain.
I just need to dislodge some of this pain from my chest, exorcise some demons and maybe then I’ll feel like I can breathe again, like I’ve regained some solid ground.
“Kendall, please let me get this out. Did I romanticize things? Did spending the rest of our lives together not mean the same thing to me that it did to you? Was I an idiot? What am I missing here? Because I’m really starting to feel like I’m insane.
Either that or you didn’t love me as much as I thought you did. ”
I sound angry and desperate. I’m clawing for answers but I don’t fucking care. This is years of pent up frustration, anger, and resentment and this conversation is a long time coming; three years too late.
“Kai, I know you don’t believe me but I loved you more than you could ever imagine.” Loved as in past tense but I would worry about that later.
“Just not enough to stay, right?” I allege, resting my forehead against the wall.
“What am I supposed to say to that?” she asks but doesn’t sound angry.
“You could start with the truth,” I answer, venom in my tone.
“I was scared, Kai—“
“That’s bullshit, Ken, and you know it. That’s not a real answer. We were both terrified.”
“Yes, but you didn’t have to wear the evidence underneath your shirt. You didn’t have to carry him for nine months. You didn’t have to move back in with your parents or put your future on hold. So, I would say my fear looked a little different from yours.”
“And whose fault is that?” I demand.
“Kai, you were able to live your life and pursue your career. I thought that’s what you would have wanted.”
“Yeah, well you have no idea what I would have wanted. You didn’t ask. You just disappeared. And I would never have chosen to live my life without you in it.”
“I know. That’s exactly why I had to leave.
Look, we can talk what ifs all day. We can talk about what we should have done, what I should have said.
How I could have handled things differently.
But we can’t change anything. We’ll never know which path was the right one, if different choices would have led to better outcomes.
But we can try to move forward and make things right in this moment.
All we have is what we choose to do now. ”
And she chose to find me, come back, tell me about our son. That has to count for something.
“I know,” I whisper gently. She’s quiet for a moment when I think we’ve come to an impasse.
“I was trying to protect you. Give you an out. At least I thought I was,” she explains.
“Protect me…you keep saying that but I don’t know what you’re talking about. Protect me from what? What exactly has changed in the three years we were apart?” I realize my voice is climbing higher.
“Protect your career, your image. And the difference is that now you’re here out of choice, because you want to be.
Not out of guilt or because you felt trapped.
I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life worried you made a decision you’d regret, that you made a mistake with your back up against a wall. ”
“It was my decision to make and just so we’re crystal fucking clear, I have only ever been with you out of love. Unconditional, all-consuming love.” That has never changed. I swallow the lump forming in my throat. “The fact that you think I could ever feel trapped by you is absurd.”
“I made a mistake and I thought I was doing the right thing at the time,” she says with resignation.
It’s now or never I think and then I let it fucking rip.
“I want you to know I'm always going to choose you. Then. Now. Every lifetime before this and after this, I’m going to choose you. In every hypothetical scenario and alternate universe. I would choose both of you in every lifetime that we’re together,” I confess and I mean it.
Every single word. It’s so quiet I’m certain she can hear my heart pounding through the phone.
“Kai, I…I don’t know what to say,” she says softly.
“You don’t need to say anything. I needed you to hear it though. Just once.” There’s a silence between us that seems to stretch on forever.
“If I could go back and change things, I would. I would undo all the hurt I’ve caused you and if I had the opportunity to choose you, I would—of course, I would. You need to know that,” she admits.
I had started the phone call hostile and frustrated, but I don’t want to leave things like that. Not when all I really want is her. Despite all my complicated feelings, I can still sense the love we have for each other buried underneath years of damage. Maybe she could too.
“You do have that opportunity. Forget three years ago. I’m talking about right now.”
“It’s not that simple, Kai. The last three years didn’t happen in a vacuum.”
“Maybe it is that simple.” Maybe it’s that simple if we want it to be, if we love each other enough. I hear my teammates yelling from the hallway about hitting up a local bar to celebrate our win. But I don’t want this conversation with her to end, not when we're finally getting somewhere.
“It’s okay, Kai. It’s getting late and it sounds like you need to go. You deserve to celebrate—you guys kicked their asses.”
“Everyone is going to be out of their minds and I don’t even drink anymore.” There's a short pause.
“Oh, you don’t?” she asks. “I didn’t realize that.”
“I stopped a little after I joined the Bucks. It just wasn’t good for me,” I admit, not really sure why I feel embarrassed.
“I’m sure you can still go and have a good time,” she suggests.
“Fine. This conversation isn’t over,” I decide.
“For now it is. Go, have fun.”
“Night, Ken”
“Night, Kai.”
No more than twenty minutes later, I text her, hoping she is still up.
Hi
Hi
I miss you
I just got off the phone with you lol
And then a minute later
I miss you too
Can you send me a picture of you guys?
Sure, this pic is from earlier today.
He is passed out in her arms in his Spider-Man pajamas, holding a dinosaur stuffed animal and they’re both lying on his bed.
Also Spider-Man themed. She’s smiling my favorite smile, the corners of her mouth upturned but her lips are pressed together.
She looks exhausted but happy. I don’t know what comes next.
I’m not sure what will happen tomorrow or the day after that.
But in this moment, both my head and heart are at ease regardless of the mountains Kendall and I still have to climb.