17. Kendall
Kendall
This is too fucking nuanced and layered to try and disentangle.
Too difficult to distill this thing between us down to its very essence.
And yet when I try to do just that, it’s actually quite simple, at least on its face.
On the surface, we’re two people who used to love each other a long time ago.
And now we have a child together. For better or worse, we’re tethered for life.
And what the hell are we supposed to do with that?
We aren’t the first people to muddle our way through co-parenting.
I’m not even really worried about what Kai would be like as a dad or trying to split time between the both of us.
Kai was always meant to be a father—I know this in my bones.
It’s the things that lurk below the surface that worry me…
like our complicated past and shared history.
I’m more concerned about the way my heart starts to tap dance whenever he’s around, the way my breath hitches whenever he hugs me, the pure weightlessness I feel when I earn a smile or laugh from him.
Those feelings are dangerous. All consuming.
Impossible to ignore. Because even if they’re mutual, even if he feels the exact same way I do, I don’t deserve the reciprocity.
And I’m certain we could never work again, no matter how badly I want us to.
I’m convinced I’m not worth the time, the effort, the eventual pain, and ultimately, the heartache.
I haven’t deserved him since the day I walked out on him.
And a darker smaller part of me, the part I always try and fail to silence, whispers, You never deserved him in the first place.
I need a second opinion on this entire situation.
I need help navigating this mess I’ve created.
I need, I need…I honestly have no clue what I need.
But I think I know someone who will. The only other person I’ve known as long as I’ve known Kai is Jenna.
The three of us used to be really close growing up.
Until Kai and I started dating. Suddenly, a memory comes online, the first time Jenna ever gave me dating advice about Kai.
I know Kai disagreed with my answer just to get a rise out of me. I haven’t talked to him in over a week and left all his texts on read. I just need some distance from him. I guess this is his way of trying to communicate with me. He would rather publicly argue than go without speaking.
I quickly follow after him when the bell rings and pull him aside.
“What the hell was that?” I demand, getting in his face.
“What?” he says. I wish he would wipe that smug look off his face.
“That. Coming at me in Whitheim’s class. You hate him and that class and I have never seen you willingly raise your hand to answer a question,” I shoot back, annoyed.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“That’s absolute bullshit.”
“I asserted an opinion that was different from yours. I didn’t come at you. But that hasn’t ended well for me in the past.”
Crossing my arms I respond, “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Having an idea or opinion that is different from yours or different than the one you want to hear.”
“I can’t do this with you right now,” I decide.
“You approached me, Kendall,” he states, his shadowed eyes zeroing in on me intensely.
Right as I turn to leave, he grabs my arm and spins me towards him.
He is so close his breath tickles my lips.
And all I can think about is kissing his stupid beautiful face.
“We are going to do this right now. I’m sick of thinking about you and dreaming about you and wanting to talk to you but not being able to talk to you. It is killing me.”
“Do you know how hard I have to work to actively stop my brain from thinking about you? Do you understand what it’s like for me to care about you as much as I do only to be rejected?” I practically yell. I can feel myself starting to lose my temper and I refuse to give him the satisfaction.
“I didn’t reject you,” he answers quietly.
“Well, you didn’t want to be with me and you have never honestly told me how you feel. So, what would you call that?” I question, glaring at him.
“Well, I’m not rejecting you now,” he explains. We’re interrupted at the most inopportune time by Jenna.
“Are you two finally talking again?” she asks, gesturing between us.
“Barely,” I respond through gritted teeth.
Kai looks disappointed but not shocked. I can tell he’s satisfied with himself having baited me into a conversation.
But it’s going to take a lot more than that to fix what is broken in our friendship.
Relationship? Situationship? I don’t even know anymore.
But the charged energy between us is undeniable.
I would gladly rip his face off along with his clothes.
“Okay. Come on, we’re going to be late for practice. Later, Kai,” she says as she tugs on my shirt. I don’t bother with the pleasantries. We turn and head in the direction of the gym. I don’t need to look over my shoulder to know he’s staring at me. I can feel his eyes burning a hole in my back.
“What the hell was that about?” Jenna whispers and weaves her arm in mine as we walk away.
I sigh. “I don’t know. He is trying to talk or work things out with us. But he’s infuriating. All I’ve asked him for is space and he can’t do that. He can’t even admit that he has feelings for me, so I’m not quite sure where we stand.”
“But you know that he does and he has basically done everything short of groveling. Isn’t that enough?” she probes.
“If he feels for me what I feel for him, he needs to be able to say that—or at the very least, fight for me. Don’t I deserve that? Whose side are you on?” I ask, slightly annoyed and already exhausted from this conversation.
“Listen, baby, I’m Switzerland in this scenario.
You’re both my best friends and I can’t take sides.
I hate that he hurt you. But I think we all know how bad he feels about his mistakes.
Is this about him declaring his love or about punishing him?
” As frustrating as it is, I know Jenna is being honest and probably telling me things I’m not ready to hear yet.
“He hurt me in a way that I never thought he would. I’m not ready to forgive him yet. I’m not ready to be friends with him again. Okay?” I respond, hoping she will drop it.
“Okay. All I’m saying is waiting for Kai to express his feelings might be futile.
You know he has a hard time talking about things.
But he does love you, you know, and he would do anything for you.
Except leave you alone. That’s probably a tough one for him to swallow.
So maybe cut him a little slack?” she suggests gently.
I’m sure it must be hard for her to get caught in the middle of this feud between us.
“I’ll try. I just don’t know how he feels or what he wants.”
“Kendall, he has been in love with you since we were twelve and that is a hill I’m willing to die on.
The three of us have been friends for how long and he has never once looked at me the way he looks at you.
He has never been protective over me the way he is with you.
Christ, he has never started fights with guys that wanted to hook up with me and there have been many.
It always used to make me a little jealous but now I get it.
Trust me on this. He may not be able to say it, but he shows it in his own ways all the time,” she counters, like she had that argument locked and loaded.
After Akio finally goes down, I FaceTime her and within seconds, her beautiful sun kissed face pops up on my screen.
“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to the fact that you are now a brunette and have a better tan than me,” I joke, plopping myself down on the couch.
“Yeah yeah,” she laughs. “Where’s my nephew. Already asleep?” she wonders.
“I just put him down. So, how are you? How’s California?”
“I’m good. Work is busy. California is amazing. You guys should really come visit soon. How are you and Akio?”
“We’re good. Same ol’. Listen…I met up with Kai a few weeks ago—"
“What?!” she exclaims.
“Just listen. He met Akio today and I’m like completely spinning out,” I admit, not wasting any time.
“Okay, we’ll revisit the fact that you guys met up and didn’t tell me later,” she says, raising her eyebrows. “How did it go today?”
“Really good. He’s so good with him, Jenna, and he brought flowers and gifts.”
“Well, of course he is. It’s Kai, and he’s his father,” she responds while opening an unidentified snack out of view from the camera.
“Please keep your voice down.” I warn. “Akio doesn’t know yet. I’m not sure if he’ll really understand or be confused.”
“Shit, sorry. How did you introduce him?” she asks while munching on a carrot.
“As my friend…” Which wasn’t exactly a lie but it wasn’t the truth either. He had been my friend, my best friend, once.
“And is that what he is…your friend?” she presses.
“I don’t know. All I know is ever since he reappeared in our lives, everything has been off kilter. I don’t know what to do.”
“Well, did you call me for comfort or advice?”
“Both?” It comes out more like a question than a statement.
“My honest opinion or the watered down version?”
Then all of a sudden, I hear her fiancé, Amir, shout from somewhere else in the apartment, “Be nice, Jenna!”
“I am being nice. I can be honest while being nice!” she challenges.
“Anyways, you both have always loved each other. My guess is you still do. And judging by the look on your face, I know my assumption is correct,” she grins.
Christ. I wasn’t even aware I was making a face.
But this is good, ruthless honesty is what I need.
This is why I called her. “Kai waited for you in high school for years. I’m sure he’ll wait as long as it takes for you both to figure this out. ”
“What if he can’t forgive me for…everything?” I grate my bottom lip with my teeth, tears forming in my eyes.
“He will, you know that. But you also have to give him the opportunity to do that. He can’t forgive you if he doesn’t know everything, if he doesn’t have all the facts,” she states, letting that comment sink in.
Fuck, I hate it when she’s right.
“But I don’t think that’s what this is about.
At least not entirely. At some point, you have to stop punishing yourself for decisions you made under duress when you were barely an adult.
This is about whether you want to do the hard work with him and for him to repair things. ” She pauses. “Is that what you want?”
“Jesus, spoken like a true therapist.”
“Not a licensed therapist yet but thank you. So, is that what you want?” she repeats herself.
“Unequivocally yes. What if that’s not what he wants?”
“Somehow, I doubt that, Kendall. I don’t think we’d be having this conversation if that were the case.”
“I’m scared that it’s all going to blow up in my face and worse, Akio will get attached to him and if things don’t go well, I don’t want him to get hurt,” I admit.
“I know, but the only way out is through, babe. I don’t want you to take this the wrong way, but what about couples counseling?
It might be helpful, you know? You two have a lot of history and baggage to work through that might be better discussed with someone to help mediate, like a neutral third party? ”
“Do you think he’d go for that? We’re not even a couple.”
“But you were once and maybe you will be again. My parents went to couples therapy before they got a divorce, so it obviously didn’t work for them,” she scoffs. “But I’ve seen it help improve a lot of relationships and marriages.”
“Yeah maybe.”
“Just think about it. See how the next couple weeks go and ask him if it’s something he would be interested in,” she suggests.
“Okay, thanks.”