21. Kendall
Kendall
Suddenly I’m transported in time back to senior year of high school.
We’re eighteen, in Kai’s bed, sharing our first kiss.
It’s hands and heat, fire and passion. It’s tangled limbs and wild hearts and inexperience.
It’s everything we feel but can’t say. It’s crossing a line we both know we can’t come back from.
He kisses me like he’s been waiting his whole life and goddamn it if he doesn’t make every second count.
When I think back on this moment years later, the versions vary but the end result is always the same.
We kiss for the first time and it’s nothing short of magic.
I’ll claim I made the first move because I told him not to stop when his fingers started dancing on my skin.
He’ll say he made the first move because he leaned in to kiss me.
Either way, it’s earth shattering, reality altering.
A kiss to measure all others against. I had no way of knowing it at the time, but this kiss would set an impossible standard for every guy that came after him.
And then I’m firmly back in the present.
I’m staring at Kai, my oldest friend and first love, his dark eyes shining down on me with an emotion I can’t place.
If it weren’t for him hanging on to me so tightly, I would be struggling to remain upright.
Somehow, I’m lucky enough to experience a second first kiss with him and I send a silent prayer to the universe that it's the last first kiss that I ever have.
I hope against hope that whatever this beautiful broken thing is between us, that this time, it ends in forever.
Because I want to keep him so badly it hurts.
I want to keep him in a way that feels illegal. Unattainable. Irrevocable.
My lips tingle, my skin vibrating from his touch.
I forgot how my body reacts to his like there’s this undeniable magnetic pull between us.
There’s little stopping me from fucking him right here in this bathroom—other than Akio’s presence less than five feet away.
I have to exercise some sort of self-control before we do something we can’t undo, right?
Right?
I step out of the bathroom and adjust my shirt, smoothing down my hair.
Thankfully, Akio begs me to watch some videos with him, so I don’t have to dissect the near mental breakdown I almost had.
Hooking up with him here, now, would have been a lapse in sanity, a mistake.
I’m just tired, overemotional, in need of comfort and Kai was there.
He keeps his hands to himself the rest of the time we’re at the hospital. But he remains close, never leaving my side, like a shadow. He reminds me how fierce and loyal of a protector he is, that if only for tonight, we belong to each other.
***
We don’t end up leaving the hospital until just after one.
I know Kai can sense my exhaustion because he offers to drive us home in his car and I don’t argue with him about it.
Barely able to keep my eyes open and desperately needing my bed, I shuffle behind Kai as he carries a snoring Akio on his shoulder.
Once we get to the car, I slide into the passenger seat while Kai puts Akio in the car seat.
I lay my head back and blow out a tired breath.
“It’s been a long day and tomorrow is going to be even longer at work,” I say to no one in particular.
“You’re not going to work tomorrow and neither am I,” he tells me after he turns my car on.
“Kai, what are you talking about?” I turn to look at him incredulously. “I have to go to work and so do you, I imagine. Besides, I'm getting low on sick days. I can’t really afford to take a day off tomorrow,” I explain, slightly embarrassed.
“We—but mostly you two—have been through a stressful experience and spent most of the night in the hospital. I think what we all need is to call in sick tomorrow and spend some time together. Get back to baseline.”
“While that sounds great, not all of us have the flexibility or means to do that, Kai,” I scoff, a little irritated that he suggested it so casually.
“Look, I wanted to wait to talk to you about this, but I might as well just tell you now. I want to set up a savings account and trust for Akio. I want to support him and you however I can. I guess what I’m trying to say is you can afford a sick day, if you want.”
“That’s very kind and generous, but I can’t accept your money, Kai. It’s too much,” I say, pinching the bridge of my nose, willing myself not to cry. I have kept it together somehow all goddamn day and I am not going to fall apart now.
“I’m not taking no for an answer, Kendall. Isn’t it exhausting being the sole provider for both of you? Don’t you want things to be a little easier? I never want you guys to feel like you are struggling. Not when I can help.”
“Of course it’s exhausting. It’s so much pressure trying to be everything for him by myself. Of course I want softness and ease and to be taken care of for once.”
“Then let me take care of you, both of you. Please,” he begs. His voice is a little softer but I know he’s not going to give up on this.
“Fine. I’m only agreeing to this because I’m so tired and I physically and emotionally cannot have this argument right now.
But I resent the fact that you think I can’t take care of him.
I’m doing the best I can with what I have.
” If he meant to bruise my ego or damage my pride, he certainly hit the mark.
Somehow, I know he had nothing but the purest intentions but still, I’m frustrated.
With my head back against the seat and my eyes growing heavy, I resign myself to this new reality.
Where Akio has two loving and supportive parents in his corner.
And I don’t have to do everything alone.
“Kendall, come on, you know that’s not it. I think you are doing an amazing job with him. I just want to help, okay?” he pleads, weaving his hand in mine. It’s warm and comforting and somehow, the contrast of his rough palms rubbing circles against my soft skin soothes me to sleep.
***
Iwake up groggy and confused as to why I’m in Akio’s bed with him and about fifteen stuffed animals.
Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I realize it’s 3:00 and that Kai must have carried us both in the house.
Trying not to wake Akio, I slip my arm out from under him and tip toe out to the living room.
Kai is sleeping open mouthed and snoring on the couch, with nothing more than one of Akio’s tiny blankets.
He must be freezing. It barely covers one of his arms. I kneel next to the couch and take his hand in mine, stroking it gently.
“Come on, you can’t sleep on this couch. It's terribly uncomfortable,” I say, urging him to get up. “Come to bed.”
“Mm, are you sure, Ken?” he mumbles sleepily. “I’m fine here.”
“Kai, you don’t even have a blanket big enough to cover half your body and your back will be killing you tomorrow. I can’t in good conscience let you sleep on this couch.”
“Okay,” he replies. I pull him by his hand leading him to my room and he follows me with both eyes still closed. We crawl into my bed and slip under the covers, him on the left, me on the right, and it feels so familiar, so us. But we aren’t an us anymore—I’m not sure what we are to each other.
“Hey, Ken?” he whispers.
“Yes, Kai?”
“Do you sleep on the right side of the bed because…” Because those are the spots we claimed when we first started sleeping together. Because that is where I fall asleep no matter what bed I’m in. Because the left has always been reserved for you. But he doesn’t finish his sentence and neither do I.
Instead, I say “Goodnight, Kai. Sweet dreams.”
“Sweet dreams, Ken,” he whispers against my hair before pulling my body in closer to him, his chest molded to my back.
“Is this okay?” he murmurs.
“Yes, now go to sleep.”
It’s a few hours later when I wake up startled and relieved to find Kai next to me. He had come when I called. Some part of me knew he always would. He drove us home, he carried us inside. He stayed. He wasn’t going anywhere even though I had deserted him all those years ago.
Wait, drove us home, in his car?
My brain and my heart scramble to come to terms with the fact that Kai, in all his goodness, must have installed a car seat unbeknownst to me, at some point between our reunion a few weeks ago and now. The realization grips my chest and tears sting the corners of my eyes.
I know I’m not worthy of his patience, his kindness, his devotion. But I love him for it anyways.
***
The sunlight peeking through my bedroom window wakes me up earlier than I would have liked.
I feel something warm and hard behind me.
No, someone, not something. Kai’s rock solid body is spooning mine, his hand curled around my waist and his fingers just barely grazing my boob.
He must feel me stirring, because he starts drawing lazy circles on my stomach sending delicious shivers down my spine.
I forgot how good it feels to wake up next to him, share a bed with him, and live my life with him by my side.
“Careful, Kai, or it will be very difficult to take it slow,” I warn.
His teeth graze my ear, and he kisses my neck tenderly. “So, do you want me to stop?” The only thing I offer is a shake of my head.
“If I feel you right now, how wet are you going to be for me?” he whispers seductively.
“Pretty sure I’m bone dry,” I lie. It’s a ridiculously absurd lie. I don’t even know why I tell it. He laughs and it’s deep and husky.
“Can I find out for myself?”