34. Kendall
Kendall
Ihear other girls entering the bathroom and when I realize it’s Allison and Bianca, I quickly peel my legs up to my chest and sit on the toilet as quietly as possible. I almost drop my backpack on the floor but catch it just in time.
Allison Greer is our high school’s reigning queen bee and she knows it. All the guys want to date her and all the girls want to be her, despite her cruelty and the ability to cut you with a single glance. I fall somewhere in between, hating her but also wishing I had her gorgeous looks.
“You know she’s going to homecoming with Aiden, even though she’s technically dating Kai?” Bianca asks while applying lip gloss. Me. They’re talking about me.
“I mean, Aiden can do what he wants. We broke up two months ago and he’s overrated anyways. Kendall can have my leftovers,” Allison responds. I watch through the small slit where the stall connects to the door. Bianca pauses and shifts her body towards Allison.
“I thought you were like in love with him and shit?” Bianca challenges with skepticism while waving her pink tube of lip gloss in the air.
“Yeah, that’s old news. Besides, the only reason they’re both trying to get in her pants is because they want to know what it’s like to fuck a Black girl, and since she’s the prettiest of the limited options…” Allison lets Bianca fill in the blanks.
Bianca laughs but it sounds rehearsed and then says, “I’m pretty sure you can’t say stuff like that.” I always knew I liked Bianca. Maybe because she’s the only girl ballsy enough to stand up to Allison.
“Why? It’s true,” Allison answers, defending her nasty comment while applying a thick layer of mascara.
“I don’t know. It’s kind of racist,” Bianca observes, calling her on her shit.
“Whatever. I’ll see you later? I can’t be late for fifth again or I’ll get a detention.”
“Later,” Bianca replies.
Somehow, I hold in my tears until I’m certain both girls have exited the bathroom.
I let my backpack fall to the ground with a thud.
I know wholeheartedly what Allison said about Kai was false but it still hurts.
I had no idea about Aiden but I don’t care as much about him.
I’m not in love with Aiden. But Kai’s a different story.
His opinion means everything to me. And the implication still fucking irks me and simultaneously makes me want to ugly cry into a gallon of ice cream for days.
This notion that the only reason a guy would want to be with me is out of sheer curiosity.
That I’m not enough on my own, pretty enough, popular enough, white enough.
I spent a lot of time building myself up over the years, honing my confidence, trying to fit in everywhere and consequently feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere.
Not with my handful of classmates that were also Black or mixed and not with my family members who were all white.
The only people I feel like I belong to and with are Kai and Jenna, and that’s taken nearly a decade.
I spent almost four years of high school trying to outperform all my peers just so I felt like I, too, truly deserved to be there.
And now I’m in the running for salutatorian.
I made sure I was outspoken but not too strong willed, athletic yet humble, confident but not cocky and I tried my best to get along with everyone.
I’ve done everything right. And yet it isn’t enough. I still come up short. I know what Allison said is untrue but a small part of me believes it anyway.
I allow myself ten minutes to cry in the bathroom.
Then I wipe my eyes with the rough one ply toilet paper that scratches more than it soothes, check my face in the camera of my cell phone, and stand up.
What’s that thing people say, the best revenge is living a good life?
And I know I will. I also know people like Allison, that enjoy tearing other people down for sport, that are vicious and brutal simply because they can be—people like that usually peak in high school.