49. Kendall
Kendall
Ibring my unease, snowball of anxiety, and all my deeply rooted insecurities with me to our first couple’s therapy session.
I wish I could say I checked them at the door, that I can go into this clear eyed with confidence and grace.
In short, I want to win at therapy. But I’m sure my own personal therapist and many others would say winning is not the point.
So here I am, with all my pain and all my fucking demons.
And I’m hoping that after all is said and done, when the storm has passed and every ugly rock has been turned over, he still decides to choose me.
That he wants me anyways. Us. Our love and our beautiful, tragic mess.
Does that make me selfish? Maybe. But I also know now that no matter what, whatever happens, I am done not choosing him.
Caught up in all of this, our rubble and decay is Akio. The one person who links us together even if everything else falls apart. He’s with Emma and Maddox right now at the aquarium. I know he’s fine, I know he’s probably having fun but still I worry about him.
Did I dress him warm enough this morning?
Was he cranky from skipping a nap? Did he eat enough of a snack?
Was he still upset about us leaving? He had begged to come with us because he loves spending time together, just the three of us.
And the look on his face when I said goodbye and hugged him tight pulled on the strings of my heart.
He’s grown to love Kai over the past few months and it terrifies me.
Because what if it doesn’t work out, what would become of the three of us then?
We’re sitting across from Magdalena Arroyo, a licensed marriage and family therapist. She’s tall and slender, with frizzy salt and pepper waves that skim her shoulders.
She's wearing a teal knitted sweater draped over a black tank top and the whole ensemble is tucked into high waisted bell bottoms. Her ankle-length mustard boots and turquoise rings somehow complement the outfit.
She's giving whimsical, hippie vibes. Magdalena could definitely be someone’s fun aunt or a middle school art teacher and somehow it just works for her.
She's perched on a velvet green chair that looks incredibly uncomfortable, with her legs crossed, and my first thought is I love her.
My second thought is I want to be her. Exuding warmth and kindness, effortlessly chic, clearly comfortable in her own skin and unapologetically herself.
You know that feeling when you really want to impress your therapist but also kind of want to be friends with them? That feeling has decidedly taken over.
She lobs us a few easy questions first, small talk, the weather, nothing too invasive. Once we’ve discussed those, she smiles warmly, her brown eyes glancing back and forth between us.
“So, you both are here for marriage counseling, but I noticed neither of you are wearing rings. Are you married?” she asks.
“No—"
“No, we’re not married. Yet,” Kai says like its fact, an inevitability. I pin him with a look and I know my cheeks are flushed with embarrassment.
“I was going to start differently but this is interesting,” she comments while jotting down a note. “Could you say a little more about that, Kai?”
“Sure,” he replies, sitting up a little straighter. “When we first started dating—"
“Which was when?” she interjects.
“About seven years ago; we were both in high school. At the end of senior year, I told Ken in no uncertain terms that I was going to marry her someday. And that feeling hasn’t changed, not for me at least.” Jesus fucking Christ, right for the jugular.
“Kendall, how does that make you feel? Could you respond to what Kai just said?”
Could I? How do I even begin?
“It makes me feel guilty and terrified and hopeful. I don’t feel like I deserve his love or commitment to us. And honestly, I didn’t realize it was still an option for us…marriage, I mean.”
“Let’s unpack that a bit, shall we?” I think the fuck not.
“Why exactly do you feel undeserving of his love?” I feel dread crawling up my chest, my throat clogging with emotion.
I realize I have two options here. I can gut myself like a fish or answer her question vaguely, enough that it gets her off my back, at least temporarily.
“A lot has happened between us.” I swallow.
“Before we reconnected a few months ago, we hadn’t been together for almost three years and I was the reason for that.
I hurt him,” I pause, trying to gauge his mood.
But he remains stoic, unflappable. “I hurt both of us a lot,” I trudge on.
And then because I’m nothing if not a people pleaser, I say, “If it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not go there quite yet.
Our breakup. But I know I’ll have to open up about that eventually, you know, get to the meat and potatoes of everything,” I concede. She takes a second to examine me.
“Kendall, you don’t have to divulge anything in here that you don’t want to or aren’t comfortable sharing.
What matters is that you both are willing to put in the effort, time, and work to improve and strengthen your relationship.
I don’t think either of you would be here if you weren’t already committed to doing just that.
As far as the more difficult topics go, I’m comfortable with letting things unfold naturally.
I’m sure we’ll cover a lot of ground in the next couple weeks.
Why don’t you tell me how and when you two met? ”
Bless her heart. I could kiss her.
“Well, that’s easy. We grew up next door to each other. He moved into the house across the street from mine when I was five. We’ve been best friends ever since, at least for most of that time.” She nods while writing down notes.
“And what was that like growing up together, living across the street from your best friend?” she asks, looking between both of us.
“The best. It was amazing,” Kai answers before I can. “I’m incredibly lucky she was my neighbor,” he notes, smiling at me.
“And why is that?” she wonders.
“I was a shy kid; making friends wasn’t easy for me. Kendall became my friend instantly, took me under her wing. She always had my back and I never felt like I had to try to be anyone other than myself with her,” he admits. At this I smile back. It’s wide and toothy and impossible to contain.
Kai has weaknesses and insecurities just like any other guy, but unlike most other men, he faces them head on, acknowledging them, weaponizing them, and spinning them into gold.
He knows how to make up for what he lacks and how to grow in the dark, untended places that need love and sunlight.
Kai is beautiful, god is he beautiful. But what makes him irresistible in my opinion, and sometimes hard to look away from, is his tender heart and emotional vulnerability.
He recounts our history on Sycamore Lane together fondly.
Summers spent at the lake, under the stars, being at each other’s houses more often than our own, begging our parents to sign us up for the same sports and extracurricular activities.
Just so we didn’t have to spend any additional time without each other.
I fill her in on our awkward teenage years, the trio formed between Kai, Jenna and I, middle school dances, summers spent vacationing with both our families.
“So, you two became very close friends it sounds like. When did your relationship evolve from platonic to romantic?”
“The summer before our senior year of high school,” I answer.
“That may have been when it started for Kendall, but I had been harboring a very large crush on her since seventh grade. I think I knew I loved her before I even knew what love was,” he laughs. I feel tears brimming my eyes but for some reason, I don’t let them fall.
“That’s a long time to wait for someone. Grades seven through eleven?” She blows a breath out her mouth. “You must have been very patient.”
“I was. She was also worth the wait.” Does this man know he is single-handedly helping me repair my inner child? Is he aware that my love language was built by him, for him, around him?
Magdalena’s calm voice cuts through my inner monologue. “So, making the transition from friends to romantic partners, what was that like?”
“Easy and hard. Amazing and terrifying,” I respond as honestly as I can. Kai nods his head and I know at least on this we agree.
“Can you say a little more about that, Kendall?”
“We were both terrified that being together would ruin our friendship and that was a big risk.”
“But one that you both deemed important enough to take?” she hedges and we both nod.
“Looking back now, knowing everything you know now. Do you still think it was worth the risk? Put differently, if you could go back in time and not fall for each other, make it so that you never ended up together, would you?”
“The question is irrelevant, because there is no way I could know him and not fall in love with him,” I say, a tear finally escaping and sliding down my cheek.
“The thought of not experiencing what it’s like to love and be loved by him is too painful to even conceive.
But to answer your question more accurately, this portion of us, our beginning, no I wouldn’t change a single thing about that. ”
Kai takes my hand in his and replies, “Me either.”
“It looks like that’s all the time we have for today. I feel like we’ve laid some really great groundwork here,” she responds.
Damn, she’s good. Too good. We leave her office and I feel both heavier and lighter than when I first arrived over an hour ago. The sweet spot of cognitive behavior therapy I suppose. For the first time, I’m somewhat hopeful that maybe we can heal all the things that need mending.
***
When we’re back in Kai’s car, I turn to look at him and he kisses me on the forehead.
“That went well I think, right?” he comments, and I can’t tell if it’s a question or a statement.
“I think so.” I look down to where I’ve interlocked our fingers. “I didn’t know about all of that when we were kids. I mean, I knew you had a hard time making friends at your old school but that was kind of the extent of my knowledge.” He sighs and lays another kiss on my knuckles.
“I didn’t exactly run around advertising it either.
And I don’t even think I knew how to articulate it until now.
But I knew if I could win you over, convince someone like you to be friends with me, maybe I’d have a fighting chance, maybe school here wouldn’t be as bad as I thought.
And I was right. I could be myself. Shy, introverted, anxious.
I had permission to be terrified because you were fucking fearless and eventually that made me want to be fearless too. ”
God, I wish I could see myself through his eyes. I don’t even remember the last time I felt fearless, brave, sure of myself.
“Kai?”
“Hmm?” he murmurs, piercing me with a thoughtful gaze.
“I’m pretty sure I loved you before I knew what love was too. It just took me a little longer to catch up to the realization,” I admit.
He smiles. “I know, Ken.”