84. Kai
Kai
I’m getting discharged today. I’m finally allowed to go home. But most days, I wake up wishing they had killed me instead.
How fucking selfish is that?
I have PTSD I'm sure, just like after my first car accident. For which I’ve been given the name of a highly respected and sought after cognitive behavior therapist. But I have yet to make my first appointment.
That would mean acknowledging and actively thinking about what happened to me.
How I sat in my own filth, praying for death. And I can’t do that, not yet.
I’ve met with local law enforcement multiple times.
I’ve repeated my statement to probably a dozen people.
They have no new information regarding my case and they reiterate that so far, they have no leads.
Bad for them, good for me. They’ll never find the building I was being held in and even if they do, the scene will be scraped of any DNA evidence.
O’Rourke’s men were careful, precise, meticulous.
All the things you’d expect of loyal soldiers who murder and torture other people for a living.
They would only be found if they wanted to be.
I’ve resorted to hiring contractors from a private security firm to be at my apartment around the clock, in hopes that it would make me feel more secure, more safe.
That I’d be able to take a breath without losing my fucking mind.
But safety is an illusion. Because if O'Rourke's men wanted to cut me up and send me in pieces to my family, they could and there would be very little that would stop them. Not the former military sniper I have on retainer or the two ex-navy SEALs I’ve hired as bodyguards.
I doubt I’ll ever truly feel safe again.
***
“Well, that’s the last of it,” my dad announces after carrying the rest of my belongings into my apartment.
Him, my mom, and Kendall drove me home from the hospital today and helped me get settled in.
I’ve been sent home with crutches, a walker, and three different prescriptions.
I’m also required to attend physical therapy four times a week.
There are severe limitations and restrictions that impact my day-to-day life.
No putting weight on my bad leg, no heavy lifting, no showering without assistance.
My life looks very different now; I don’t know how to function in it.
I’m not sure I want to and I don’t really know how to ask for help either.
“Thanks,” I reply. “I think I’m going to try and get some rest if that’s okay,” I say, moving to lower myself down to the couch. My dad braces my arm, trying to help me and immediately I snap at him. “I’ve got it, Dad.” He holds his hands up and retreats a step.
“Are you sure, Kai? We can stay for a while. Make you dinner or whatever you need,” my mom suggests.
“That’s okay. I’m kind of tired.” My body is fatigued, sluggish. Like trying to wade through quicksand. I could sleep for days and still be in a deficit.
“Okay, please call us if you need anything. I’ll be back tomorrow to bring you to therapy,” my mom reminds me.
“Okay, I will.” They both hug me before walking out the door and I notice they both hug Kendall too. That’s interesting.
After she closes the door shut behind them, Kendall takes a seat next to me on the couch.
“I can stay the night with you if you want. My moms can watch Akio,” she offers, her eyes hopeful and bright. I hate that I’ll have to crush it. That after everything we’ve been through, I would have to make her suffer more.
“That’s okay. I think I just want to be alone,” I respond, staring at my hands.
“Kai, what’s going on in your head? You can talk to me, you know. Whatever it is.”
“I think I need some time to be alone, Ken. I need space,” I say softly.
“You mean like tonight?” she clarifies.
“I mean I think we need to take a break. I’m barely holding myself together. I can’t make you a part of that.”
“I want to be there for you. However you need me to be,” she insists, gently laying her hand on my arm.
“I can’t be with you like this, Ken. I’m broken. I need some time to figure my shit out,” I explain. I’m clinging to a darkness, drowning in something I don’t quite understand and I can’t drag her down there with me.
“Then come to me broken. Let me help, let me heal you. We can heal together. Just don’t leave.
I won’t survive it again,” she says, desperation clawing at her voice.
“Please, just come back to me. Come home,” she pleads, her voice fractures on the last word.
The corners of my eyes are wet but I still don’t look at her, I can’t.
I don’t want to hurt her and I don’t want to lose her either.
But I don’t deserve her right now, not like this.
“Kai, look at me,” she begs. I turn my head to see tears falling down her face. Fuck. “Please don’t give up. Don’t run away from us because things are hard and complicated and so fucked up.”
I shrug out of her hold. “Why? Isn’t that what you’ve always done?
” My tone is accusatory and harsh, soaked with acid.
And she doesn’t deserve it. She didn’t do anything wrong.
I’m just so fucking angry at my life, how everything has gone completely sideways.
I’m seething from the state of it. I don’t know what to do with this gaping pit inside me and I don’t have anyone else here to take the blows.
She’s the only one that can absorb my anger and somehow still love me.
She recoils like I physically slapped her and I might as well have.
“Kai,” she whispers, hurt and anger flashing in her eyes. “That’s not fair.”
“I think you should go, Ken,” I say, my voice the edge of a sharp blade.
I’ve gone a step too far, I know I have.
But I need a clean break. I need it to be done.
At least for now. I want to draw the shades, crawl up into a ball, let my bed devour me and fall into a dreamless sleep.
And maybe I’ll come out of hibernation in a few days or a few weeks and this won’t be happening.
None of this would be real. My life wouldn’t be ruined.
Both my body and my mind wouldn’t be shattered in a thousand fucking pieces.
Maybe I wouldn’t wake up at all.
“Okay,” she mumbles, rising from the couch and moving towards the door. I watch her wipe tears from her cheeks while she refuses to make eye contact with me.
“This isn’t forever. I just think it’s what I need right now,” I whisper. She remains silent and quietly shuts the door behind her—leaving me alone with the numbness and demons.
I probably fucking deserve it.