86. Kendall
Kendall
We’re standing outside Kai’s apartment door, and I’m trying to summon the courage to knock. Akio stands at my side, his hand tucked in mine. It’s the first time we’ve seen each other since we broke up.
Decided to take a break?
My stomach is churning while my heart rams into my ribcage. I can feel my pulse everywhere, a swarm of bees rioting at the surface of my skin.
“Let’s go in, mama,” Akio says. He swings my arm back and forth excitedly.
“Yupp, we’ll just go right in,” I mutter underneath my breath. Just act like everything is fine for two minutes. You can do anything for two minutes.
I knock a couple times while I swallow down the violent nausea.
He opens the door and Akio sprints to him, nearly knocking him over.
My eyes roam over him curiously. I’m immediately shaken by the state he’s in.
His shaggy hair is long, longer than usual, almost brushing his shoulders.
And if I look closely enough, I see the tiniest slivers of grey.
Has he ever been grey since I’ve known him?
He’s sporting a five o’ clock shadow and dark circles under his eyes.
He leans on crutches while Akio hugs his good leg.
Kai looks like he’s aged a few years and lost at least 20 pounds.
This thing is eating at him from the inside out, chipping away at his sanity and his composure.
I wish I had the right words to say or knew how to help him.
He didn’t sound torn up about it all when I spoke to him on the phone a few days ago.
But he looks worse, way worse than I imagined.
He’s deteriorating rapidly and concerned doesn’t even begin to describe the ache in my chest.
“Baby, you need to be careful with Kai, okay? His leg is still getting better,” I tell Akio.
“Okay, Mama,” he says. Akio detaches himself from Kai’s leg, runs into the apartment, and beelines for the couch, leaving Kai and I to stew in our awkward silence.
“Hi,” he says. “You look good, Ken.”
“You look different,” I state. Why the hell did I just say that?
He bites the side of his lip, “Yeah, I know.”
“Well, I should probably get going. Your mom will be here soon?” I ask, eager to spend as little time in his doorway as possible.
“Yeah, she should be. Are you sure you don’t want to come in for a little bit?
” He’s looking at me with longing and hope.
Like he needs me, wants me to say yes. The urge to help him, to protect him from whatever he’s fighting, is at war with my self-preservation instincts.
But I know this isn’t him. I know the trauma he’s harboring inside is to blame for the mess we’re in now.
I know it’s in the driver’s seat, both hands gripped on the steering wheel. He isn’t in control. Not entirely.
“I have a few minutes before I have to get going. Until your mom shows up. Just to make sure you’re good,” I say, justifying it to myself more than I am to him.
He smiles, and for a moment, I think it’s a real one. But only for a moment.
Akio is already settled in, toys sprawled on the floor, two books already opened on opposite sides of the living room. He’s excited, and I’m excited for him. But I can’t help but still feel weird about it all. We’re here. Us. But we aren’t really us. Not right now at least.
I follow him into the kitchen. He's moving around restlessly, filling a glass of water, setting it down without drinking it.
"How are you sleeping?" I ask.
"Fine."
The silence stretches between us. I open my mouth to try again but he beats me to it.
“I know how it looks, how I must look,” he mumbles, avoiding eye contact with me.
“I didn’t say anything, Kai.”
“I’m going to figure this out, I promise, Ken.” This statement should bring me some relief, that he wants to get better, but it doesn’t because he’s still trying to do this on his own. He’s not letting me in.
Doesn’t he know I would walk through fire for him, over and over? I would slay his demons alongside him? I would hold him up if he would just let me.
“I know, Kai, I just wish you would let me help, all I want to do is—”
“Yeah, well I don’t need anyone’s help,” he snaps. “And I don’t need to drown in everyone’s pity either.”
I hold his gaze for a moment, long enough to let him know the words landed. He looks away and I recognize a flash of regret in his eyes.
I don't fight it. There's no point arguing with trauma.
"I'll be back at 5 to pick him up," I say quietly.
I stop to kiss Akio on the top of his head on my way out. My body is moving faster than my brain, my feet shuffling backwards before I can change my mind. Kai hobbles behind the door and then closes it with a heavy thud.
His mom exits the elevator just as I’m about to step on.
“Kendall, it’s so good to see you!” I wait a moment before getting on and bend down to hug her tiny lithe frame.
“You too. I just dropped Akio off. He’s inside with Kai.”
“You sure you can’t stay for a little bit? I’d love to catch up with you.”
“I would too. I just don’t think it’s a good idea right now.”
She's silent for a moment, studying me. She takes my hand in hers and gives it a good squeeze.
“Everything is going to be okay, you know, with you and Kai. You guys will figure it out. Just give it some time,” she says quietly.
Anela and her infinite wisdom. At one time, I considered her a third mom.
“You think so?” I wanted to believe her. I so badly wanted her to be right.
“I know so. He misses you,” she insists. That, at least, I believed.
“I miss him too.”
“I know, love. Just keep showing up for him, okay?”
“I’ll try. I promise.”