92. Kendall
Kendall
“Come on, Stella,” I urge the sniffing dog to move along and find a place to pee on the busy sidewalk.
She’s a beautiful German Shepherd mix, that Kai, Akio, and I picked out together at a local dog adoption event.
After his career ending injury, Kai had thought a lot about things he wasn’t able to do while devoting his life to professional hockey.
Having a dog was one of them and Akio and I were easily persuaded.
Everyone needed to be on board since we are all living under one roof now.
Akio and I moved in with him two months ago and it’s been a great decision for all of us.
Kai and Akio have plenty of bonding time.
He spends fewer days at daycare, and I don’t have to stress about the costs of childcare anymore.
I’ve since quit my job at the restaurant and reduced my hours at the law firm.
On the days I’m not there, I’m freed up to continue working on my law school applications.
I’m not sure I’ll get accepted anywhere and most of the places I applied to are part time and online but I’m excited either way.
I’m finally able to start thinking about my education again and options for our future.
Kai has taken so many steps to work on himself and our relationship too.
We’re still attending couples therapy as needed and Kai has weekly therapy sessions to help with the PTSD.
He stopped drinking in September and has been sober ever since.
He’s enrolled in self-defense classes and while Stella might not be an official emotional support animal, she certainly acts like one.
She fits into our little family perfectly and is completely in tune with Kai’s needs.
Slowly, things have started to get better and turn around for him and for us.
He doesn’t wake up throughout the night as much with nightmares or cold sweats.
He can leave the house without having a full-fledged panic attack.
He’s had a lot of difficult conversations with his father over the past couple months and while their issues aren’t entirely resolved, they’ve definitely improved.
I’m jolted back into the present when Stella drags me to a nearby tree to do her business.
It’s so fucking cold. This is probably the one aspect I hate about being a dog owner.
Once she’s done, I hurry her back inside our warm apartment building.
I open the front door and she bounds over to the couch while I hang up my thick winter coat and scarf.
Akio is with my moms for the day and Kai is at an interview for a coaching position. I spent the morning cleaning and going grocery shopping, so I have the entire day to myself. After I watch a few episodes of Parks and Rec and make lunch, I throw in a load of laundry.
Two hours later, I’m putting folded clothes in the top drawer of Kai’s dresser when I spot a box.
Not just any box, a small black velvet box.
That looks tiny enough to hold a ring. I open it, my hands trembling, terrified of what I’ll find.
Sure enough, there’s a stunning princess cut diamond on a silver and gold band.
It’s exactly the kind of ring I would have picked out for myself.
What. The. Fuck.
Mindlessly, I move to the foot of the bed.
“Kai!” I shout. “Can you come in here for a sec?” I had heard him come through the front door only moments ago. He appears in the doorway a second later, glancing from the box in my hand to me.
“Kai, what is this?” I ask, even though I already know. Even though I’m well aware that the next few words out of his mouth would permanently alter my brain chemistry. He eats up the space between us, kneeling at my feet and placing his hands on either side of my hips.
“You know what it is. Why don’t you ask me why I have it?” he responds, his dark eyes scanning my face.
“Kai, I don’t want to play games right now or guess fucking riddles. What is this?” I demand. I don’t even realize I’m crying until I feel wetness on my cheeks and tears slide down my neck.
“I bought it two weeks after I got drafted. I was going to wait to propose and then when you disappeared, I thought, if I could find you, fix things…” he trails off quietly.
I’m positive there is no air getting into or out of my lungs.
His admission hits me like a Mack truck.
Like a ten-foot wave with a nasty undercurrent ready to drag me under.
But this awareness doesn’t drown me, this realization doesn’t destroy me.
I’m brought to the brink of madness, the edge of hysteria but no further.
The kind of insanity caused only by the inability to be in the right place at the right time with the right person.
A man who has been waiting for me for far longer than I knew.
No, this realization gives me life.
“North Carolina, you were going to propose?” He nods, splitting my heart and my soul wide open. “You still would have proposed after everything, after finding out about Akio?”
“I think it would have taken some time but yes,” he says softly, bracketing his hands around my face.
And I know with every fiber of my being this is the man I’m supposed to spend my life with.
I think I’ve known it since I was 17. Kai, my oldest friend, the love of my life.
The father of my child and keeper of my heart.
The only man that could worship my soul.
“And you kept it all this time?” I wonder, staring back into his onyx eyes, at my future, at forever. And it looks pretty damn good.
“I was waiting for you to come to your senses and find your way back to me. I knew it was only a matter of time.”
Tears are streaming down my face, hard and fast now.
“I would have said yes, you know, in North Carolina. And if you asked, I would marry you tomorrow,” I choke out through strangled sobs.
“What about today?” he asks, tears in his eyes.
I launch myself into his arms, knocking him over and we land on the floor with a mixture of laughter and tears. My hair falls in a curtain around his face and I start kissing him everywhere. His cheeks, his eyelids, his chin, his forehead, his lips. Any and every part of him I can get my hands on.
“Do you have any idea how much I love you, Kai Matsumoto? It’s unquantifiable. The limit does not fucking exist. I am so stupidly, hopelessly, irrevocably in love with you. I always have been. And I don’t want to spend another day of this life not married to you.”
“Is that a yes?” he laughs.
“It’s a hell yes.” We’re kissing again. It’s frantic and demanding, hungry and hot. But before it goes any further, Kai’s body stills as he pulls away from me.
“Wait wait,” he says, his hands falling to my waist. “I had a whole speech planned. I wanted to ask you properly,” he declares.
“Okay,” I respond, sitting back on my heels.
“Go for it, let’s hear it.” I grin. Because it doesn’t really matter what his speech is.
It’s always been him for me. He could have proposed with the same ring pop he gave to me in third grade and I still would have said yes.
But it means so much that he wants to get this moment perfect for me.
“Can you sit back down on the bed? I’m going to do this right,” he explains, getting down on one knee and taking the open box in his palm. I obey his request and stare at him in anticipation.
“Kendall, I have loved you since I was fifteen. You said once that you thought we’d have a long love story, with twists and turns and ups and downs that will lead us to forever.
And you were right because of course you were.
There is no version of my life that is better without the both of you in it.
I want you and him to have the life and love you have always deserved and I hope that you want that with me.
You are my forever, my everything. Will you finally come home for good and marry me? ”
Will you finally come home for good?
Somehow, these words are sweeter, more important, more everything than anything he has ever said before.
I whisper “yes” over and over, kissing him through tears. He slips the ring on my finger and it’s a perfect fit.
It’s just an ordinary moment during an ordinary day.
It’s not over the top or flashy. It’s not Instagram worthy and doesn’t need to be.
It wasn’t planned or executed flawlessly.
It feels raw, honest, and real, just like us.
The result of fate, timing, resilient love, and my obsessive need to stay on top of the laundry.
I realize, probably too late, or perhaps right on time, that for all the regular, mundane that is my life, he is the thing that makes it extraordinary. Kai is my once in a lifetime type of love.
Love that feels like home.
***
Later, we’re cuddled up in bed together, my head resting on my fiancés chest.
“I forgot to ask you after all the excitement, how did the interview go?”
He turns to me, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “It went really well. I should find out in a week or so. But I think I got it.”
“That’s amazing, baby! I’m so proud of you!
” I squeal and I am. He’s been networking, talking to previous coaches, doing a ton of interview prep for months, and it has clearly paid off.
He interviewed for a few assistant coaching positions, both college and professional, but this one is a head coaching position for a growing NHL team.
I know this is the only one he truly wants.
But he doesn’t seem super enthusiastic about this news.
“Yeah it is,” he half smiles. There’s something he’s not telling me.
“But…” I press. For a long time, Kai had been so easy to talk to about his feelings, thoughts, fears. Ever since last June, getting him to open up has felt like pulling teeth.
“But what?”
“Kai, this is what you’ve been working towards. You just don’t seem super excited about it…” I trail off.
“I got another offer for a job I barely remember applying for. It’s kind of ridiculous but I can’t stop thinking about it,” he mutters.
“You didn’t tell me that! Is it college or professional?” I ask, excitedly.
“Neither,” he huffs, placing both hands behind his head and staring at the ceiling.
“Okay…so what’s the position?” I wonder, even more intrigued. He turns to me and props his head up in his hand, resting on his elbow. He licks his lips and rolls his neck nervously but there is something in his eyes I haven’t seen in a while. Light. Hope. Optimism.
“There is a failing youth hockey club in Toronto. They are looking for someone to take over as General Manager. They also need someone who can dig them out of debt and bankroll necessary expenses. I would act as a coach if I wanted to, manage finances, coordinate with the surrounding community, and organize and rebuild their club and youth teams. I would also probably be responsible for about a million other things.”
“It sounds kind of crazy, but also exciting,” I respond.
“Yeah?” he asks hopefully. He’s looking to me for permission to dream this dream, to breathe life into this idea. He needs to believe that I think this is doable. And I do because I’ve come to learn Kai isn’t capable of failure. It isn’t in his DNA. He is wired differently, he always has been.
I nod aggressively, sitting up to a cross-legged position.
“Theres a catch,” he states, stroking my knee with his palm.
“Okay, what's the catch?”
“Whoever buys this rink and takes over the hockey club has always lived in the house that is also on the grounds. And that house happens to be on a farm. A farm that comes with chickens, goats, and a few rabbits I believe and maybe some other miscellaneous animals.” I think he’s joking but his face lights up.
“Does it also come with a partridge in a pear tree?” I tease, but I can’t help the smile spreading across my face. My heart rate starts gaining speed when I recognize exactly what this means for him, for our family.
A new beginning. A fresh start.
“Ken, this would be a massive undertaking…” he cautions, his wave of optimism starting to recede. “We’d have to move to Canada. We’d be responsible for an entire hockey club and a farm. We are very much city people. We don’t know anything about farms,” he postulates.
“Kai, I’m going to say something and before you say no, just don’t say no, okay? Hear me out.”
“Okay,” he says, pinning me with a serious gaze.
“You have been chasing the feeling of perfection for as long as I can remember. This need to be great, to be the best, has been part of you since you were little. It's something I’ve always admired about you,” I explain delicately.
“But…” he eyes me curiously.
“But even after you achieved your idea of success, surpassed it even, I know you still want more. You’re still hungry for something.
I don’t know that you’ll ever stop feeling like you need to be perfect.
If the goalpost, this unattainable measure of success, will ever stop moving.
And I think this opportunity to build something that’s your own, that’s entirely yours, could be good for you and for us.
You’ve been chasing perfection your entire life.
Maybe it’s time to chase something else.
Dream a new dream. Fall in love with hockey again. If anyone can do this, it’s you.”
“Maybe,” he surmises quietly.
“You know we’ll follow you anywhere. Whatever choice you make, we'll support you. I just think you should keep an open mind about it.”
“Okay.”
Kai is quiet for a while and I let him fade into his thoughts.
I think he knows in his gut this is the right decision but he needs some time to process all of it, to arrive at that conclusion on his own.
Not because I think it’s a good idea or because it would be beneficial for our family, but because he wants it.
In my head, I’m already thinking about what Toronto will be like in the summer.