Chapter 30
Walking home with his bike was fine. He could take the Tube, of course, but it was a beautiful April day, and Jamie felt totally fine about this. Good, even. He didn’t need to bike the whole way.
This was perfectly normal.
Wheels squeaking beside him, Jamie kept his helmet perched on his head for lack of enough arms to both steer the bike and carry it. His bag took up most of the basket.
In the bike lane, a group of cyclists whooshed past, flowing easily with traffic, and the familiar sound made his stomach clench.
Would he ever be brave enough to do that again?
Of course he would. This was just the first day he’d tried. It would get better, just like most things had after the accident.
If his hands were free, he’d text Pippa and see what she thought. Or even just to hear her joke about the situation, because… he really felt like he needed a laugh right now. Would she tell him that trying to bike so soon after the accident was idiotic?
It had only been five months. After he’d gotten out of the hospital, the doctor’s advice had been to jump back into his normal life, so maybe this was exactly what he needed to do.
If he wanted to bike again—which he did, he really did—maybe he just had to force himself through the awkward beginning.
As he rolled up to the stoplight at Judd Street, Jamie paused and looked down the road. It was only two miles and really just two turns to make it back to his flat.
What was two turns? Two turns was nothing. His accident had happened miles away from here, over near Hyde Park. He used to make this commute all the way from Islington, where the bike lanes were far less friendly.
Another group of cyclists whooshed by. In a small burst of courage, Jamie swung onto the seat and pushed off.
“Ah,” he sighed as the wind tugged his curls back from his face. He caught a lull in the waves of traffic, so he pedaled slowly at first, letting himself warm up.
This felt good. Really, really good… until a car drifted slightly into the bike lane and Jamie felt a knot of fear form in his stomach. Completely normal, he reminded himself. Happens all the time.
Continuing to pedal, Jamie willed the knot in his stomach to go away and let his mind wander.
He owed Pippa a reply after their conversation last night about him proposing.
Of course, his sister was thrilled about the engagement.
Re-engagement? Jamie wasn’t quite sure what to call it.
Regardless, Pip was obsessed with Caleb, a fact that still brought him a ridiculous amount of joy and warmth.
It made it so much easier to fall back in love with Caleb when he saw how much his mum and sister loved the man.
How could he not love Caleb? Looking back, he’d been with Jamie through the hardest few months of his life. He was patient, sweet, kind, and he made Jamie feel… brave.
He’d been brave before Caleb in some ways, but being with him made all the small things—the moments he felt all wrong—go away. Jamie felt comfortable existing and taking up space. Because he knew Caleb would be by his side to catch him if he fell.
These past few months with Caleb had been nothing short of magical. Getting back to work at the Library, watching Caleb help Chelsea into the finals, and spending every night in the arms of a man who loved him. Who he loved.
And knowing Caleb was going through such a difficult season with his family and work, Jamie wanted more than ever to show him that he could take care of him.
When things got hard, Jamie could step up and be the protector.
More than anything, Jamie wanted to show Caleb the love and acceptance that his family in Ohio didn’t show him.
Like a sneak, last night Jamie peeped into the safe to take a look at their old engagement rings and burst into tears when he saw them.
He would make the worst spy because of his fragile emotions.
But how could he not cry when he laid eyes on the two matching gold bands, one set with a blue sapphire and one with a green?
Somehow, he knew that his was the green one.
Caleb always said he adored the shade of green of his eyes.
Taking them from the safe hadn’t felt right for the risk that he would lose them or Caleb would catch on to what he was doing, so Jamie had snapped a few photos and sent them to Pippa, asking her to stop by the local jewelry shop back home and speak with the jeweler.
Jamie certainly wasn’t made of money—there was no way he could afford two entirely new rings—but at least they could get a quote for what he had in mind.
“Fuck,” he muttered as another car drifted a little too close to the bike lane. The knot in his stomach returned with a vengeance, and his palms grew slick on the handlebars. As he adjusted his line in the lane, the tension only tightened.
Panic crawled slowly up his throat, and his legs started to shake. On his left was the University of London. He could pull off if he needed to, but he was so close to Tottenham now. Just one more turn, and he’d be on the stretch home.
Ultimately, it was the car horn that did him in. The moment it blared, Jamie startled so hard he nearly toppled off the bike. He swerved toward the curb and pulled off to the side, hearing a few cyclists curse at him as they flew past.
The pounding in his head grew so loud that he didn’t know where he was. He leaned the bike against the wall of a university building and slumped onto a nearby bench.
Breathe, he heard Caleb’s deep, soothing voice in his head. In and out. Come on. Bending his knees, Jamie tugged off his glasses and leaned forward, resting his head between them. The knobs of his knees pressed into his temples as he forced himself to take slow, shaky breaths.
Why couldn’t he do this? Why couldn’t he just bike two bloody miles home from work? He was Jamie Collins—he biked everywhere. That was his thing.
Another car horn blared, and Jamie started shaking. Tires screeched somewhere nearby, and someone yelled, “You can’t park there!”
“Fuck off!” an American voice shouted back. His legs were shaking so hard that it rattled his teeth through the pressure of his knees. Jamie squeezed his hands into his thighs, trying to steady himself and hoping he didn’t vomit right here in this university parking lot—
“Jamie!” A car door slammed, and Jamie thought for a moment that he was hearing things. His ears felt heavy, like he was underwater, but he swore he knew that voice. Still hunched over, he cracked open one eye, but all he could see from where he was bent forward was the tip of his dress shoe.
“Angie, go find somewhere to park!” the same voice yelled. Was that—?
“I’m shit at driving!” Angie shouted back.
“Please!” Footsteps pounded across the pavement, and then strong hands landed on Jamie’s shoulders.
“Jamie, are you okay?” Jamie lifted his head.
“Caleb?” he rasped, unable to lift his head. “How do you always find me?”
“Are you hurt?” Caleb’s voice was horribly panicked as his hands moved over Jamie’s shoulders, then his arms.
“No,” Jamie said weakly. “No, I’m not hurt. Just…” His chest tightened again, the words refusing to come out.
A coward.
“Breathe, okay?” Caleb said softly, crouching in front of him. “I’m right here.”
Jamie was faintly aware of Caleb sliding onto the bench beside him. Soon, a large hand landed gently on Jamie’s back and began rubbing circles. He could feel Caleb’s warmth right beside him, his chest as close as possible with the way Jamie was slumped over.
Caleb was here. And if Caleb was here, everything would be alright.
Jamie wasn’t sure how long they sat there, Caleb directing him to breathe in and out of his nose and telling concerned strangers that he was okay. His brain still felt a little fuzzy with panic, so he kept his head between his legs while Caleb stayed close beside him.
“Is that man okay?” an older woman asked.
“Yes, ma’am,” Caleb answered quickly. “This is my partner. He just got a little dizzy on his bike. Thank you for asking.” His voice was calm and polite, the same professional tone he used when talking to referees or parents on the sidelines.
But Jamie could feel the tension in the arm around him and the desperate press of Caleb’s thumb on his hip.
“It’s okay, sir,” Caleb told another concerned bystander. “This is my partner. Thanks for checking.”
Husband, Jamie corrected in his brain. Partner didn’t seem like enough to describe what they were to each other.
After a few more deep breaths, his chest finally felt like he could sit up.
Slowly straightening, he slouched back into Caleb’s chest. Caleb rested his chin on top of his head, one arm banding around Jamie’s waist. The other took Jamie’s hand and pulled it into his lap, fingers tracing over his knuckles.
“You’re okay. You’re safe and okay.” Jamie couldn’t tell if the words were meant for him or for Caleb himself.
Turning his head so that his cheek was pressed into Caleb’s chest, he asked, “How did you know I was here?”
“Angie and I were coming to surprise you at work.” Caleb’s chest vibrated as he spoke. “But then I checked your location and saw you were here…”
Jamie felt his stomach twist. “I’m so sorry, Caleb,” he squeaked, unable to meet his eyes. “You went to all that trouble to buy me a bike and, here I am, unable to bloody use it.”
“Sweetheart, look at me.” Caleb released his hand and brought gentle fingers to Jamie’s jaw, guiding his gaze back. Jamie had to look over his shoulder to meet those wide brown eyes.
Holy hell, Caleb looked tired.
The light brown in his eyes seemed duller than usual, and dark circles shadowed the skin beneath them. His gaze moved carefully over Jamie’s face, and a small frown creased the space between his brows.
Jamie braced himself for Caleb to say he was done. No more biking. It was too dangerous to be having panic attacks in the road—and he was right. He couldn’t do this again; it was too bloody dangerous.
“What do you need?” Caleb asked quietly.