Chapter Four
JESS
Luke’s face falls and he takes a step back. I know my words must sting, but it’s the truth – he has let me down – and I don’t know how else to make him understand that he’s just set a bomb off inside our marriage.
I give him a couple of moments to process, hoping a light bulb might switch on inside his head, that he might even apologize, but he looks away, frowning. A short while later, I see the muscles around his jaw twitch and flex. Far from seeing the error of his ways, he’s pissed off.
Well, so am I.
But I know one of us has to make an effort to de-escalate things, so I zip my mouth shut, go to the fridge, grab a bottle of Pinot Grigio and pour us both a glass, before heading for the living room.
Luke follows. I flick on a couple of lamps and plonk myself down in an armchair, while he takes one end of the deep-red sofa I bought at a boot fair and had re-covered.
I breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth and reject the stream of caustic words I really want to spit out at him. When I feel I’m calm enough to carry on, I say, ‘It wasn’t your place to invite her to the party. At the very least you should have discussed it with me first.’
Luke gives a grudging nod then lets out a sigh. ‘I wish I had now.’
Not exactly an apology, or a signal that he understands the gravity of what he did, but at least he’s admitting there might be another way rather than Luke’s way. That’s a start.
‘I wasn’t a hundred per cent sure about getting in contact with her. I just … ’ He trails off and looks into the cast-iron fireplace with Art Nouveau tiles that we spent months searching for in reclamation yards.
‘You just thought you knew better,’ I finish for him.
It’s the truth, and he doesn’t deny it. ‘But why think of doing it in the first place? I don’t understand why it’s so important to you that I reconcile with my mother.
’ If he knew it had the potential to go sideways, why did he take that risk? There has to be more to this.
It takes a full five minutes of Luke staring into his wine and frowning before he answers again. I don’t break the silence. I’m not going to make this easy for him. Luke always wants to be the fixer, putting things right for everyone? Then he needs to fix this.
Finally, he looks up. ‘You want to know why I invited your mum?’
I nod.
‘I see how your broken family relationships hurt you, how they’ve scarred you, and I wanted something different for you. I suppose … I suppose I got desperate.’
‘Desperate? About what?’ Even when we were still in contact with my mother, Luke always found her challenging. I don’t think he’s been missing her charming personality and thoughtful gestures.
‘I want the woman I married back.’
I look at him, sure my eyebrows are halfway up to my hairline. ‘What are you on about? I’m sitting right here!’
He stares steadily back at me. ‘Are you?’
‘Am I what?’
‘Are you right here … with me?’
I have no idea what he’s trying to say. What is he talking about? ‘Yes,’ I whisper. ‘What do you mean?’
He closes his eyes for a moment, exhales, then opens them again. ‘It’s just that when we met, you were different.’
The muscles between my ribs grow tighter, making it harder to breathe. ‘Different how?’
‘I think you were happier. You laughed more. You would do things on a whim.’
‘Of course we’re not going to be the same people after twelve years together. It probably wouldn’t be a good sign if we were.’
‘It’s more than that.’ He leans forwards, braces his hands on his thighs.
‘We used to be … I don’t know … It felt as if we were the perfect fit.
I got you and you got me, and it was easy.
And, yes, before you say anything, I know that relationships can’t be like they are in the early days all the time.
That wouldn’t be realistic. But I thought we’d grow closer together over the years, not further apart. ’
Oh. He’s noticed it too. So much for secretly hoping it was just me overthinking. My stomach sinks and it makes me jittery. ‘What has that got to do with inviting my mother to our anniversary party?’
‘I know you have a painful history with your mother—’
I let out a sharp, gruff laugh. ‘That’s one way of putting it.’
‘But ever since you cut her out of your life, I feel you’re cutting yourself out of mine too. More and more … I just thought, if there was a way to bring some healing, some closure, it might help. Maybe we could salvage things.’
Salvage things? We’re just in a rut, aren’t we? But then I didn’t know he’s spent years watching me, judging me, and has quietly decided I’m not living up to his expectations anymore.
‘I had to do something, Jess. I had to try.’
‘To fix me? Because I’m broken?’
‘No! To fix the situation.’
‘Same thing!’
‘No—’
Cold air stings the back of my nose and throat. ‘I thought you loved me for me.’ I want to shout the words but all I can manage is a hoarse whisper.
‘I do!’
I shake my head, tears plopping onto my cheeks.
‘No you don’t. You want some other Jess – a perfect Jess.
But I am who I am, Luke, with all my baggage.
I’m not … I’m not even sure you know me anymore.
And if anything proves that, it’s what you did tonight!
’ And that stupid pewter wall sculpture he gave me as an anniversary present, but it’s probably not a good idea to bring that up now.
‘Jess, please …’
I shake my head and look past him to the living room door. ‘I’m going to bed.’
‘We need to talk. You can’t just walk away.’
‘I can’t deal with it right now. We’ll talk about it … later.’ I take a few steps across the rug towards the softly lit hallway.
‘No.’
I pause in the doorway, turning to look at him over my shoulder. ‘No?’
‘If you walk away now, nothing will get resolved. We’ll just do what we usually do – promise ourselves we’ll stuff all our feelings away for a night and get them out again tomorrow. But tomorrow never comes, Jess. It never comes.’
I stare at him and say nothing. He’s already overridden me once tonight, ploughed through my boundaries with a bulldozer. I’m not allowing him to do it again, not even in this small way.
‘You’re not going to say anything?’ he says.
‘I told you – I don’t want to talk right now.’
‘Why do we always have to do things on your timing?’
‘Because I’m not the one who betrayed your trust so spectacularly this evening. On a night to celebrate our relationship, you blew the foundations out right from underneath us. Is that what you want to hear?’
Instead of looking penitent, his expression pinches further. ‘I did not betray you.’
‘The fact you can’t see that is the whole issue here.’
‘What issue?’ He stands up and glares at me.
‘I can’t trust you anymore.’
For a split second, he looks as if I’ve punched him in the chest, but then he meets my anger with his own.
‘Maybe if you opened up to me a bit more, if you would talk about the difficult stuff, rather than just walking away or going to the gym or burying yourself in work, then I would have realized just what a huge mistake I was making. We could have avoided all of this!’
‘And we’re back to making it Jess’s fault. Oh, goody!’
As well as being in charge of the people in his life, Luke is nearly always in charge of himself too.
He rarely loses his temper, but when it goes, it goes.
He lets out a growl of frustration so unexpected that I take a step back.
‘We’re going round in circles! I don’t even know how you can say that.
I tried to help you. But you’d much rather paint yourself as the victim and me as the bad guy.
’ He’s the one to break eye contact now, turning to pace towards the fireplace.
He places one hand on the mantel then twists to look at me.
‘Whatever I do, it’s never enough, is it?
You always find me wanting. If we had to receive a report card on our anniversary every year, mine would always say “could try harder”.
And you know what? I do try, Jess. Every day.
And you just don’t see it. You’re oblivious! ’
‘You’re the one calling me oblivious? That’s rich!’
‘If there’s someone who’s checked out of this marriage, who’s not paying attention, it’s not me.’
‘You’re the one who’s always half-buried in his phone, tapping away text messages to goodness-knows-who at all times of the day and night!’
He drops his head and looks at the rug, arm braced against the fireplace.
When he looks up again, he says, ‘Well, it seems we’re at a stalemate because I don’t think you see me either.
’ He pulls his hand away from the fireplace and straightens, as if he’s just made a decision of some kind, then he walks over to where his suit jacket is slung over the edge of the sofa and pulls a small gift bag out of the pocket and hands it to me.
‘What is this?’
‘One last surprise.’
Oh, no … He doesn’t get to deflect this way. He doesn’t get to be the hero, the good guy, after everything he’s done. I shake my head and put the bag down on the side table next to the armchair without bothering to open it. It’s not important at the moment. ‘Like I said … I’m going to bed.’
He stares at me as if I’ve done something terrible. ‘So you’re not going to even try?’
‘I will talk to you when I’m ready. It’s just not right now.’
He stares at the box and his features harden. ‘We both know that’s a lie.’
I don’t say anything. It doesn’t feel like a lie in this moment, but I also don’t want to admit to myself that I’m not always good on the follow-through when we have this type of discussion.
He turns and looks at the sofa. ‘What if I were to beg you to stay and talk this through? Because I don’t think I can ride this merry-go-round one more time, Jess.
Yes, I possibly messed up tonight, but I wasn’t doing it from a bad place.
And I want the same things you want for our marriage!
I want you to listen to what I think and how I feel, but when I try …
’ He gestures with his hand to me, my body rigid with tension and halfway out the door. ‘I get this.’
It’s no good. In this moment, I can’t give him what he’s asking.
I recognize the strange sensations going on inside me, something that’s happened whenever I get into a heated discussion ever since I was a child.
I can’t stop it. Everything inside me is slamming closed and shutting down.
My heart is beating hard, my mind swimming.
He stares back at me and a look of disgust flickers across his features. ‘Then I’m out, Jess. I’ve tried everything I can think of and I’ve got nothing left.’ He strides past me into the hallway and grabs his coat from the hooks near the door.
‘Luke, what are you—?’
He turns as he releases the lock and opens the door. ‘I told you. I’m out. Done.’ And then he steps into the night and shuts it softly behind him.