Chapter Thirty
JESS
‘Did you sleep in the spare room last night?’
My cutlery stops moving, and I glance up quickly from my eggs Benedict. ‘No, why do you ask?’
‘I woke up around five. You weren’t there.’
This conversation has been brewing all morning, but I’m not sure I want to have it in the bougie new café in town where were having an anniversary brunch. ‘No. I just got up early. Couldn’t sleep.’
Mostly because I was too busy ransacking every drawer and cupboard in our flat for a small leather navy-blue ring box. Luke must have it stashed somewhere in the bedroom, because I couldn’t find it anywhere else. I did, however, find this year’s bullet journal, so that’s a small win.
Aside from learning I’m good for a smear test for another three years, I was reminded that this is the year Hannah gets married to Connor and I will be planning the hen party, we’ve started house-hunting in earnest after the successful sale of Luke and Elena’s first renovation project and, according to a log in the back of the book, I’m slipping money to my mother on a fairly regular basis and the total owing is always greater than the amount that has been paid back.
I’m sad about the house-hunting. After finding the journal, I hopped on Rightmove and discovered ‘our’ house is under offer – not to us.
I’m heartbroken, but if this is what I need to do to save my marriage, so be it.
If I don’t succeed and Luke does want a divorce six years in the future, we’ll have to sell it anyway, so it’s a risk worth taking.
However, in all of the neatly bulleted task lists and journal entries, I find nothing to indicate why Luke and I must have argued last night.
It’s most frustrating. If I could work out what the issue was, we could talk it out and I could get on with the job of saving my marriage.
I’m hardly going to make much of an impact the way things are now.
We’re both being civil to each other, but the atmosphere lingers, the same way uneasiness does after a nightmare.
Thank goodness I arranged to have the day off work.
With so little time left to make a difference to our relationship, spending seven to eight hours away from Luke is just a waste of time.
‘Spoken to your mum recently?’ I ask, aiming for a subject that will hopefully ease the tension.
‘Yeah. She rang yesterday,’ Luke says as he concentrates on assembling the perfect forkful of a full English, complete with gooey yolk running down over the free-range Cumberland sausages.
He frowns and looks up before he pops it in his mouth.
‘She asked when we’re doing something for my thirtieth, but I said we didn’t have anything planned yet. ’
Outwardly, I’m sporting a calm but slightly enquiring smile.
Inwardly, I’m panicking. According to my bullet journal, I’m doing the same as last time and planning Luke a surprise party.
I’m sure I’ve told Diane it’s all very hush-hush but I’m also sure she will be just as useless at keeping a secret and might end up accidentally blurting it all out to her son as she did last time.
‘Do you have any ideas of what you’d like to do? Experience day? Meal up in London?’
Luke devours his forkful and thinks while he chews. ‘I was thinking maybe we’d go away somewhere? I know we can’t afford much because we don’t want to eat into our house deposit, but how about renting a cottage for the weekend after my birthday?’
I keep smiling but it becomes even more rigid. ‘That sounds great.’
‘You don’t sound that enthused.’
I’m not. That’s the weekend of the party. According to the neatly ticked lists on a double page in my bullet journal, the function room is already booked, and invites have gone out.
I’m going to have to talk him out of this somehow.
Last time, Luke loved this party, mentioned for years how much he appreciated me going to all that effort and how pleased he was that I knew that being with friends and family that day was the perfect way to celebrate.
I’m worried that if it doesn’t happen again this time around it’ll put a big dent in any progress I’m making.
I need the goodwill it will bring me in the coming years.
‘You know I would love to get away, but things are a bit hectic at the moment, especially with the new renovation you’re doing with Elena.
What happens if you blow your budget for that?
You’re right – you don’t want to dip into our savings to cover any extras.
It might not be the best time to spend that extra money. ’
‘We’re only going to be thirty once, Jess.’
Oh, if only he knew …
‘We’ll see,’ I say, hoping I can fob him off a bit longer.
Luke’s jaw tenses. ‘In other words, you don’t want to.’
‘No,’ I jump in quickly. ‘It’s not that. It’s just … ’ Urgh. How do I explain this?
‘Never mind,’ he says, stabbing at a bit of bacon with slightly more force than necessary. ‘I should have known it was a bad time to bring it up.’
‘What does that mean?’
He busies himself with his breakfast for a while but eventually says, ‘When we argue, it’s like everything I say is wrong. You have to push back on absolutely everything.’
‘That’s not true,’ I say, maybe a tad too quickly.
It’s not lost on my husband.
‘I’m sorry, okay?’
He frowns. ‘For what?’
‘For … for last night. For all of it.’ And I’m sure I would be if I knew what it was, but that doesn’t mean I can’t make a genuine apology. We probably bickered over who was supposed to unload the dishwasher or something.
‘I know that, Jess. But we had an agreement. We’re supposed to be a team, yet you continually leave me out of things I should be included in.’
‘Like what?’
Luke gives me a steadying look. ‘You know what. And if you don’t, then I can’t do anything to help you. Maybe you need to start paying a bit more attention to what’s going on between us.’
Inside my head, I’m screaming. I can feel the day slipping away from me and I have no idea how to salvage it. All I can do is nod and pretend I know what he’s talking about.
Luke pushes his unfinished breakfast away from him and signals to the server for the bill. ‘I need to get going. I’ll see you later this afternoon.’
‘You’re going out? We’re not … We’re not spending the day together?’
He tips his head on one side and gives me a look that makes me wither a little inside.
‘I’ve got to go to the flooring suppliers – I told you all this yesterday.
’ He shakes his head and pulls his phone out as the server comes over with the machine.
‘Did you honestly not just hear what I said about paying attention?’
But that’ll be hours lost and I can’t afford that, not after the day has started so badly.
‘I’m sorry, Luke, I really am. It’s just I’ve got a lot going through my head at the moment.
The house-hunting … Han’s wedding … I know I’m messing up, but I want to make it up to you. Can I … Can I tag along?’
Some of the fire leaves his eyes. He sags a little. ‘Sure. Knock yourself out.’
I shouldn’t have come. I’m trailing around a flooring supply warehouse, trying to look interested, while Luke and Elena have intense conversations about the pros and cons of real wood versus Amtico, and I have nothing useful to contribute.
I glance across at them as she laughs and places a hand on his forearm. He smiles back at her.
It was the fear that got me. Fear that I wasn’t doing enough, that I wasn’t being a good wife to Luke. I should’ve listened to my instincts. I know that he needs time to calm down after an argument, and I’m not giving him any space.
When my phone rings, and I see it’s Hannah, I’m grateful for a reason to exit into the sunshine and stand in the car park, even though the traffic from the bypass next to the retail park is hurtling nosily past. ‘Hi. What’s up?’
‘Hey!’ Hannah replies, and then she launches into a rant about how her soon-to-be mother-in-law is trying to convince her groom to wear a velvet suit to their wedding instead of the top hat and tails she and Connor had planned.
I let her vent, making suitable outraged or sympathetic noises as needed.
When she finally runs out of steam, she wishes me a happy anniversary.
‘Did you get breakfast in bed and then just spend all morning in there?’ she asks, laughing.
‘Oh my God! Are you still in bed now? Want me to call back later?’
If only.
‘No, you’re all right,’ I say with a sigh.
‘I can’t wait to be Mrs Rowbridge and have long, lazy anniversary lie-ins,’ she says dreamily.
I feel a pang of sadness at her words, especially as, five years in the future, the end of her marriage comes after Connor has a series of long-lazy lie-ins with someone who isn’t Hannah.
‘You do realize that marriage is more than the bubble of love and confetti and rainbows it is at the beginning?’ I ask her, hoping I can pierce the skin of that bubble with a shard of common sense.
Maybe I can save her some of the pain that’s coming a few years down the line.
‘It’s hard work. And both of you have to put the effort in. ’
Hannah laughs. ‘Of course. Everyone knows that!’
Or they think they do, I reply silently. I thought it myself until extremely recently, didn’t I? I was so complacent.
‘That’s why we make sure we choose the person who’s going to have our back, will still be in it with us when the going gets tough.’
Maybe I sound more serious than I intended to, because Hannah asks if I’m okay, and then she asks if I’m truly happy for her. My stomach nose-dives. The truth is, I’m not. I know what an arsehole Conner is and I so badly want to tell her, but she’ll never believe me if I explain why and how I know.
‘I just want what you and Luke have. That’s not unrealistic, is it?’
‘No,’ I say quietly. It’s what we all want when we say, ‘I do’. I can’t fault her for that. And I suspect even if I point out the red flags, she won’t listen. All I’ll do is alienate her, and she’s going to need me in the months and years to come.
‘Of course, I’m happy that you are deliriously in love. I’ve always wanted you to find your person, but … ’
‘But … ?’
How do I say this? ‘I want you to know that I’m your person too. That I will always have your back. Just remember that, will you?’
‘Aww, Jess … Now you’ve got me crying! I don’t know what … Oh, God! His mum is calling me again! I’d better answer, otherwise I’m going to be getting married to a man who looks like he got his wedding suit inspiration from a second-hand sofa sale!’
We say our goodbyes quickly and she rings off.
I stand in the car park, listening to the roar of the traffic and squinting against the sun.
I’m sad. For my best friend, but also for myself.
When I hear the love and hope in her voice, I remember that I was there, feeling exactly the same things, only four days ago, and yet – I glance back at the glass doors to the flooring warehouse – here we are.
I don’t remember arguing on this anniversary in the past, but we might have done.
As I lock my phone and shove it back in my jeans pocket, I turn and walk back inside.
That’s what this is, isn’t it? A silly tiff.
Looking back in my bullet journal, there’s nothing big that Luke and I are struggling with at the moment, but feeling the seconds tick away, knowing our tenth anniversary is only a few days around the corner, I can’t help but get paranoid.
I need to have faith – in Luke, but also in myself.
Luke and Elena are no longer where I left them, so as I wander up and down the aisles of laminate and carpet samples, I come to a decision.
I’m going to stop reacting to every little thing as if it’s a Titanic-level disaster and take a breath.
I’ll go home, take a bath, read a book, whatever …
And when Luke gets back, hopefully we’ll both be in a better frame of mind.
I finally spot Elena frowning at a rack full of luxury vinyl tile samples. ‘Where’s Luke?’
She nods towards a display with a miniature set of stairs, complete with runner and brass rods. Luke is standing nearby, deep in conversation with a man I think I recognize as having once worked for his father. It doesn’t look as if he’s going to be free any time soon.
‘Actually, while I’ve got you on your own,’ I say to Elena, ‘I wanted to tell you about Luke’s party.’
Elena frowns. ‘He hasn’t said anything.’
I dart a quick look at my husband. ‘That’s because it’s a surprise.’
‘Oh … I get it. That’s why he was talking about … never mind.’
Luke’s been talking to Elena about his birthday? Has he told her he’s pissed off with me about not going away?
‘Anyway, I think it is a great idea! What do you have planned?’
While we’re waiting, I give Elena the rundown of the time and date. She even offers to create a distraction and bring him along to the party pretending it’s a house viewing or something. I smile tightly at her. ‘That’s very kind, but I’ve got it covered.’
She just shrugs and does the cute pursed-lip smile that’s her trademark.
‘I’ll send an invite for you and Felix,’ I tell her.
‘Sure.’ For the first time since we’ve been chatting, her eyes lose a little of their sparkle.
At first, Luke and I used to socialize with Elena and her husband a lot, going round to their house for dinner, grabbing cocktails on a Friday night, but it began to fizzle out.
I got the feeling that everything was not rosy in paradise, and eventually I was proved right.
I check my phone for the time. How much longer is Luke going to be?
‘You know what?’ I say, looking again in my husband’s direction. ‘Could you tell him I’ve just realized there’s something I need to do? If he texts or calls when he’s finished, I’ll shoot back in the car and pick him up.’
‘Of course,’ she says, smiling. ‘But, you know, I could always give him a lift home when we’re finished.’
‘Would you? That would actually be helpful.’ As Elena said those words, I realized I might have to forgo my long bath for another errand. There’s something important to do with the party that I really need to make a decision on.
‘My pleasure,’ she says, and her smile is so warm and genuine that I actually feel a bit less intimidated by her. ‘I’ve kind of got used to taking care of him,’ she adds, laughing. ‘It’s not a bad thing, I think, no? For a man to have a wife at home and a “wife” at work?’