Chapter Thirty-Five
JESS
We walk back from the restaurant through the streets of Venice, over narrow canals with gently arching bridges, the moonlight and streetlights glittering on the dark water.
It’s magical, but I feel sick to my stomach.
When Luke tries to sling an arm over my shoulder, I shift so it slides off, making an excuse that it’s too heavy. He doesn’t seem to mind.
I didn’t have long before Luke returned from the men’s room, but I had enough time to see multiple messages between him and Elena every day, some of them work-related, yes, but many of them not. And if I thought Elena’s message to Luke was bad, I hadn’t factored in some of his messages to her.
You’re strong, you’re beautiful. You’ve got this! x
That one in particular sticks in my mind.
Elena might well be lonely. Her relationship with Felix fully fell apart in the last twelve months.
It was around this time he disappeared completely from our lives, and then, last time, Elena followed, possibly a year or so later.
But she wasn’t in business with my husband in that version of our lives, seeing him at least two or three times a week.
Did I inadvertently set the stage for this to happen by putting my trust in him? That seems too cruel.
I didn’t have time to read the thread fully, dissecting each message and reply; it was more snapshots of different ones that jumped out to me. And yet … Nothing was so inappropriate it was completely incriminating. There was nothing steamy or sexual. Even so, it isn’t right, is it? It isn’t good.
I think about how Luke’s phone buzzed when we went back to bed after breakfast. Did she message while we were … ? It doesn’t bear thinking about.
I don’t know what to do. I know I have to do something, but how do I even broach this subject? Part of me wants to bury my head in the sand and pretend I didn’t see any of it.
When we get back to our hotel, Luke asks if I want a limoncello sitting on the terrace.
I tell him I’m tired, that I’d much rather just go back to our room.
When we’ve climbed the stairs and shut the door behind us, he turns to me.
‘Jess, what’s up? You’ve been quiet since dessert at the restaurant. Did something not agree with you?’
I shake my head and turn to the dressing table and start removing my earrings and other jewellery. ‘No. I’m feeling fine.’
‘But you hardly touched your tiramisu – and it was the bit you were most excited about.’
I carefully press the butterfly onto the back of my earring and place it in my jewellery case. ‘I think I just wasn’t hungry by that point.’ Which is true. I couldn’t have forced another mouthful down.
He comes to stand behind me, places his hands on either side of my shoulders. ‘Jess … ’
I go still. ‘I’m fine. Honest.’
Luke sighs and his hands fall away. ‘I think I’ll have a shower.’
Moments later, I hear the water turn on and I let out a long breath. I know I just missed an opportunity. But I don’t know how to say what I need to say. I don’t know if I even want to.
Maybe I should just brush it under the carpet. There was nothing truly damning in those messages, even if it appears Luke and Elena are a lot closer than I thought they were. Maybe he’s just being a good friend after Felix left?
God, I’m pathetic.
My gut is telling me there’s more going on than I’m aware of and I’m ready to pretend it’s not happening?
But isn’t that what Mrs Wonderful would do?
She’d smile, keep her bright-red lipstick perfect, and woo him back with after-work martinis and divine pot roasts, all while looking like a Dior couture model.
Well, Mrs Wonderful can shove her martinis where the sun don’t shine.
While Luke is in the shower, I run over to his jacket hung on the back of the door and pull his phone out. He did tell me his passcode, but I’ve never needed to use it before, so after five attempts I give up. I’m pretty sure I’ve got the numbers right; I just can’t get them in the right order.
I’m just about to slide it back in his pocket when he comes out of the bathroom, one towel round his hips, rubbing his damp hair with another.
He better not have used my bath towel for that, or I’ll go nuts.
Instead of replacing his phone, I walk towards him, holding it out.
‘You want to know what’s wrong? This is. ’
He keeps rubbing his hair, but the top of his nose pinches in confusion as he takes it from me. ‘My phone?’
‘Your messages. With Elena.’
I don’t miss the way his eyes widen slightly and then he turns away, obscuring his face for a moment with the towel. ‘You went snooping in my phone?’ He doesn’t sound angry, just curious. Too calm for my liking.
‘No. A couple popped up while you were in the bathroom at the restaurant.’
He nods, his lips pressing together slightly. ‘They were probably about work,’ he says, as he throws the towel onto one of the armchairs and reaches for one of the fluffy robes hanging in the wardrobe.
I blink. He just lied to me. Well, almost. He was very clever with his words. This is not the Luke I know and love.
‘The messages I saw weren’t about work.’
I’m surprised at how calm I am on the outside. Usually, in lieu of crying or getting sad about stuff, I just get angry. And it’s there, burning away under the surface, but I’m able to hover above it. For now.
His frown deepens and he unlocks his phone and messes around on it for a few seconds – opening the messages app, I guess – and then he starts to scroll. A moment later, he freezes. ‘Oh.’
‘Yes, oh.’
His eyes meet mine. ‘This isn’t how it looks. You have to trust me on that.’
My eyebrows rise. ‘I do, do I?’
Uh-oh. The zen-like hovering I’m doing above my rage is possibly about to undergo a crash landing.
‘It looks very much to me as if the two of you are extremely close,’ I add. ‘Much closer than either of you has let on, actually. I think you better explain to me, in very clear terms, exactly what is going on between you, or I will think the worst.’
‘You think … You think I’m having an affair? With Elena?’
If I wasn’t so angry, his wounded tone might have been funny. ‘You’re so amazing, Elena … You’re so strong and brave … ’ I say, glaring at him. ‘And she misses you. She wants to hug you!’
Luke looks as if I’ve slapped him in the face, which is rich. ‘You read more than just those messages that arrived at dinner.’
‘Wouldn’t you? If you saw the ones I saw!’ Just because I’m a bag of restless energy and I need to move, I stride across the room to stare out of the window.
‘I think I’d be tempted, yes. But I would like to think I’d ask you about it before I jumped to conclusions.’
I spin around. ‘I did ask you! You said they were about work!’
In Luke’s eyes, I see the moment he slides off his high horse and meets me on even moral ground. ‘Fair enough. But there’s a reason for that—’
‘Did you mean the things you said to her? About being brave and beautiful and strong?’
He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t look away. ‘Yes.’
Inside, I fold up like a concertina. ‘Of course you do,’ I mumble heavily. ‘She is all those things. Why wouldn’t you feel that way?’
Oh, God. I’ve been kidding myself all this time, thinking I could be his Mrs Wonderful when, in reality, she is. It’s always been her. Even other people see it, think she and Luke are perfect together.
‘But just because I said those things to Elena, it doesn’t mean I’m sleeping with her! It doesn’t mean I don’t love you!’
‘And that’s supposed to make me feel better? That you love us both? That you can’t choose between us?’
Now Luke is the one striding around the room. It seems I’m annoying him as much as he is me. Good. ‘That’s not what I meant! I don’t love Elena. Not like that!’
We’re going round in circles, literally.
I take a step sideways and collapse into one of the chairs next to the coffee table and put my head in my hands.
‘Then make this make sense, Luke! Is it an emotional affair, is that what it is? Is prickly, sarcastic Jess not enough for you and you need someone warmer and more giving?’
His voice is low and rough when he answers. ‘You know that’s not true.’
I snap my head up to look at him. ‘But that’s the point! No, I don’t! Not after what I saw this evening! Not after … ’
‘Not after what? What did I do?’
Not after you walked out on me saying you’d had enough five years from now, signalling very clearly that I can’t give you what you need.
I shake my head wearily. ‘It doesn’t matter.
’ And it seems it really doesn’t. No matter what I do, how hard I try to change myself, it’s all going to end up the same way, isn’t it?
‘If it’s her you want, go to her. Just end it now.
I don’t have it in me to drag this out anymore.
I give up.’ I plant my face back in my hands.
‘You’re giving up on me?’ He has the nerve to sound pissed off.
I want to be childish. I want to say, Yeah, well you did it first! But I don’t.
‘What I’m trying to say is that I’m not going to make you stay if you don’t want to stay.’
Luke comes over, kneels down in front of me until I have no choice but to look at him. ‘Jess, you’re my wife. You’re the one I want to be with. It’s not like that with Elena … It’s … ’
‘Then what is it like?! Explain it to me, Luke! Before I lose my mind.’
He sighs heavily. ‘Yes, I’ve been texting Elena a lot. Yes, I’ve been saying nice things to her to hype her up. But I’m doing it because she’s ill, Jess. Elena has cancer.’