Chapter Fifty-Four
JESS
This time, the ride to the party venue isn’t fraught with tension.
I place my hand over Luke’s on the back seat of the cab, but not in apology this time, just because I want to.
Out of the corner of my eye, I see his head turn.
When I look at him, he’s smiling, even if there is a slight crinkling of the skin between his eyebrows.
I lean over and kiss him on the cheek, then rest my head against him as much as the seatbelt will allow.
Everything happens pretty much as it did before. We arrive, greet Luke’s family and mine, and then I find Hannah. She rushes over, congratulates me then asks, ‘What did you think about the present? Did you like it?’
‘I really did,’ I tell her. ‘It was very thoughtful, very … Luke.’
She grins back at me. Maybe because I’m not low-key moaning about the gift this time, she adds, ‘He was nervous you wouldn’t like it, so he asked for my opinion, and I sort of ended up getting involved. Did you like the photos of you and Luke? They were ones I took on your wedding day!’
Oh, so that’s why I didn’t recognize them. ‘Amazing,’ I tell her, even though I wished she could have found an image of me where my smile looked less like a grimace, but maybe that was hard to do. I remember how tired my face muscles got from grinning so much.
I see the moment when the light behind Hannah’s eyes dims. ‘You’re so lucky to have such a wonderful man beside you,’ she tells me. ‘I wish I could find me one of those!’
I hug her again. Hard. I know she doesn’t know she’s done all of this before, but I appreciate her helping me plan this party. ‘I’m grateful for him, but also for you.’
I let her words, and mine, settle in my heart and mind.
I am grateful for Luke. More than I ever was before.
We’re not perfect, but we have so much more potential than we’ve let ourselves realize.
I feel as if I’ve matured hugely over the last twelve days.
Last time, I was sulking at the absence of diamonds and roses and big romantic gestures, but love is more than that.
It’s trust. It’s solidarity. It’s having each other’s backs, finding moments to connect in small ways every day.
Later, when Hannah taps the microphone and gives her speech, I take my turn once again.
However, this time I thank not only our friends and family for coming, but I turn, make eye contact with my husband and thank him for all he is and all he’s done for me.
He looks surprised but pleased, and when Hannah instructs the DJ to play ‘our’ song, I can hardly wait to slide into his arms and feel his solid warmth against me.
I wonder if they can play this song on repeat forever, because I’m not sure I’m ready to let go.
‘I meant what I said,’ I whisper into his ear as couples start to fill the dance floor around us. ‘I love you, Luke.’
‘Yeah, I love you too,’ he mumbles back, but it feels as if he’s checked out, just going through the motions, and I can hardly blame him for it because, last time, I was too.
I pull back so he can see my face. ‘I mean really, really love you. I want this ten years to be the start of something, just the first chapter of the rest of our lives.’
He nods. ‘Me too.’ But there’s a sadness in his eyes that worries me. I know he’s telling me the truth – this is what he wants – I just suspect he’s given up believing it’s possible.
My thumb reaches again for the security of my wedding and engagement rings, and I can’t help noticing the space where one is missing. I wish I had his great-great-grandmother’s ring now, because what happens in the next half an hour is going to decide whether our marriage stands or falls.
Last time, I started a disastrous chain reaction when I flipped out after seeing my mother, one that ended with Luke walking out of my life.
I can choose to handle the situation differently this time, and maybe that will be enough to stop him going.
Yes, we have issues, big issues, to work on.
It’ll take time, but we can do it if one of us doesn’t make a dramatic exit before we have a chance.
Just as he did last time, when the song ends, Luke looks at me and says, ‘I think it’s time to give you your final surprise of the day.’
I do my best to quell the quivering in my stomach. ‘Really?’
‘Yes. But I can’t give it to you here. We need to go outside.’
I slide my hand down his arm and lock my fingers between his, then meet his eyes again. ‘Then lead the way.’
A lone figure stands at the end of the terrace at the back of the hotel, hands on the stone balustrade, staring out into the evening. As our footsteps echo off the old manor house’s walls, she turns, smile hesitant, eyes full of hope.
My stomach rolls, an echo of what I felt the first time I lived this moment.
‘Hello, sweetheart.’
‘Hello, Mum.’
We stand there, looking at each other.
‘It’s … It’s good to see you,’ she adds, her eyes darting to Luke and then back onto me. ‘How are you?’
Having an out-of-body experience? That’s what it feels like. The sense of déjà vu is so strong it’s making me dizzy. ‘I’m okay,’ I finally manage.
I don’t know what to think about the woman standing in front of me.
I want to believe what Luke said about her is true, but I’m very aware that in this timeline, I received no letter from her.
I even checked the back of all my bullet journals to be sure.
Does that mean she’s not going to AA, or doing the twelve steps?
It’s a possibility. And I’m not sure I have it in me to open the door wide to her again, not when she has such a capacity for friendly fire.
I felt a genuine sense of hope for the Mum in my other life. This one I’m not so sure about.
‘I tried to call you, contact you, over the years,’ she says, ‘but, you know … obviously, you blocked me, so we never … ’
The hairs on my spine rise and I’m instantly on high alert.
Did I just detect a hint of resentment, of blame, in ‘you blocked me’?
I don’t know. I feel the old familiar flames starting to lick the soles of my feet, the anger I finally could not contain when she turned something around on me and made it my fault.
Every cell in my body is telling me to turn, to walk away, but I stand my ground.
I’m still so angry with Luke that he did this. Even now. He’s put me in an impossible situation.
I’m doing better, but I’m not fricking Superwoman. I need to get out of here before this control shakes apart. ‘Listen, Mum. I think we need to talk, but I’m not sure this is the time or the place.’
Especially when there’s an open bar thirty feet away.
‘Oh.’ Mum looks disappointed. ‘Okay.’
But she doesn’t yell or scream. Maybe there’s still hope.
‘I will get in touch next week and maybe we can meet up for a coffee and clear the air and, um, I’d really appreciate it if you didn’t stay to the rest of the party, if that’s okay.’
I can’t be distracted, worrying if she’s snuck a drink from somewhere and is about to embarrass us again. My sole focus needs to be on Luke and our marriage this evening.
A cloud passes across her features. ‘Well … okay. In that case, I suppose I should get going.’
She leans in, gives me a brief kiss on the cheek, and then steps back.
‘Why don’t I walk you out front and get you a cab?’ Luke says and turns to me. ‘I’ll be back in a couple of minutes.’
I nod and watch them go. I could go back inside, dance to ABBA with Hannah, but I end up mirroring my mother’s pose, leaning on the stone balustrade and looking out over the lawn that eventually gives way to a golf-course sand trap. I’m still there when Luke returns.
He looks relieved. I wish I was.
‘What did you think of your surprise?’
I let out a dry laugh. ‘It was definitely a surprise.’
‘It went okay, though, don’t you think?’
I turn around and rest my bottom on the stone ledge. ‘You and I need to talk.’
Luke looks confused. ‘About what?’
‘I appreciate that you tried to do something nice for me—’
‘I tried to do something?’
‘Yes.’
He shakes his head softly and looks away. ‘And here’s me, thinking you were about to thank me, say how grateful you were! I can’t win, can I?’
The old me would have taken the bait, let the self-righteous anger fuel her, but I compose myself and ignore his comment. ‘I wish you had talked to me before you invited her.’
Luke’s head spins around and his eyes are slightly narrowed. He was preparing to batten down the hatches and weather out the ‘Jess’ storm. I’ve surprised him, I think. ‘I did think about it,’ he says warily. ‘In fact, I mentioned it to— never mind. But it went okay, didn’t it? You were pleased.’
‘I know I didn’t have a meltdown, Luke, but that doesn’t mean I was pleased.’
‘But you’re … you’re not angry, are you?’
I blink. ‘Actually, I am. I’m furious.’
Luke’s mouth drops open. ‘Then why did you—?’
‘Talk to her?’ I finish for him.
He nods.
‘Because I didn’t want to make a scene. I didn’t want to act like she does all the time.’
‘But she’s—’
‘Sober. Yes, I know. Or so she says.’
He frowns. ‘I don’t remember her saying that while we were standing there.’
Oh, crap. He’s right. I’m forgetting we haven’t had the conversation yet where he tells me she’s remarried, doing well. I’ll just have to skip right over that and hope he doesn’t notice.
‘I’ve been extremely clear over the years about not wanting to see her.
For the record, I did not want her at our party tonight, no matter what is going on in her life at the moment.
It was wrong of you to invite her without asking me, for overriding my wishes because you thought you knew better.
’ My words come out calmly, but I’m aware I’m not pulling my punches.
However, this isn’t anger or hurt talking, it’s just plain facts, ones Luke and I need to face if we’re ever going to make it past this night as a couple.
‘You have to admit that if you could find some peace about your mother, it might help things – it might help you.’ He’s angry I’ve pulled him up on this, which is slightly galling, but I can’t get caught up on that.
I know that, in his heart of hearts, he was trying to do a good thing, but that still doesn’t mean he did the right thing.
‘That’s true. But it’s not your job to fix that, Luke. It’s mine. And my mother’s.’
‘But I—’ He cuts himself off mid-sentence.
‘But you what?’
He looks at me, holds his hands up, then lets them fall back down to his sides. ‘Then I give up. I don’t know what else to do!’ He turns, but instead of heading back into the hotel, he jogs down the steps into a formal rose garden and heads off into the darkness.
Uh-oh. This is all feeling horribly familiar.
It’s like he’s stuck in a groove he can’t get out of, like he’s reading our familiar script.
My lines have changed but he’s still sticking to his old ones.
I pick up my skirts and run after him. There’s a fountain in the middle of the rose garden, with a large fat, stone fish spitting water into a wide shallow bowl.
He pauses there and I manage to catch up with him, but when he spots me, he starts striding again. ‘Just give me a moment, will you?’
I step back. Um. Okay. A wave of nausea rolls through my stomach. In my head, I can see it all happening again, no matter what I try. Maybe he’s right. Maybe we’re doomed to this. I stand there, listening to the plops and splashes of the fountain, my breath quick and high in my chest.
No. Not again. I’m not giving up yet. I just need … I need …
I need help. Reinforcements.
Magic.
I need the ring.