Chapter Fifty-Six
JESS
I finish speaking and Luke just stares at me, his jaw tight. ‘Really?’ he says, and the look of utter disgust on his features shreds my insides.
I try to speak but my throat is dry, and I have to cough before I can get a single word out: ‘Really.’
He shakes his head and stands up. ‘I thought things weren’t great between us but I wasn’t all the way there to thinking we were in a critical condition. I hadn’t given up hope on you, Jess.’
‘I—’
He holds a hand up. ‘Let me speak, please. I gave you your turn – for what it was.’
I nod and swallow down my plea, even though it feels as if words want to explode from inside me.
‘I thought we could find a way back to a good place. I thought we both wanted to make it work.’
‘I do!’
He presses his lips together and shakes his head again.
‘No, you don’t. Because if you had any amount of respect for me, you would not have concocted a bullshit story like that.
I never thought you were cruel, Jess. I never saw that in you.
But I see it now. And I feel as if I don’t even know you anymore. ’
I begin to cry.
‘It was bad enough feeling like you’d erected a glass wall between us, that I was always standing with my nose pressed up against the window begging to be let in, but this … ? This is worse. How did you even think it was a good idea to make something like that up?’
I didn’t, I scream inside my head. It’s the most honest, the most open, I’ve been with you in all our years together. It’s the most truthful I’ve ever been in the whole of my life.
But it’s not enough.
I’m not enough.
‘Are … are you saying it’s over?’ I manage to stammer out.
He turns and paces round the room, rubbing his temple. ‘I don’t want to, but I can’t see any other option. I deserve someone who isn’t afraid to share the whole of themselves with me, Jess, who knows how to be authentic and honest. Someone I can trust. Someone who’s my teammate.’
I nod as the tears roll silently down my cheeks. ‘You do,’ I reply hoarsely.
He suddenly lunges towards me, ending up down on one knee in front of me as I perch on the balustrade.
If it wasn’t some grotesque echo of the moment he asked me to spend the rest of my life with him, it might even be funny.
‘Then be that person! Tell me the truth! Tell me what’s really going on with you – and then we can start trying to rebuild, even if it takes counselling or therapy or whatever.
I just need one sign you’re in it as much as I am, Jess.
One sign. Or you’re right, there’s no reason to stay. ’
He stares deep into my eyes with such pain, such desperation. I know what I have to do to save my marriage.
I’ve got to lie. I’ve got to tell him I had a dissociative episode or something or just apologize for grasping at straws and making something up because I was so scared of losing him.
He might not understand why I told that story, but he’ll understand that I’m drawing a line in the sand, saying we’re in it together. Forever.
But I can’t do that. If I lie and tell him what he wants to hear right now, I’ll be doing the exact opposite of what he’s asking.
I wrap my skinny fingers around his much larger, calloused ones, and look into his eyes. ‘I love you … so much. I will do anything for you. I know I haven’t always shown that in the past, that I’ve been so wrapped up in myself and my own hurts that I was conveniently blind to yours … ’
This earns me a lift of his eyebrows, a look of surprise and, yes, hope.
‘But I can’t lie to you, Luke. Not now. Not today.
I can’t change my story, as much as I wish I could, because if I do, even if we sweep all the mistakes we’ve made away, we’ll be rebuilding our marriage on the bedrock of lies.
Lies breed secrets, and secrets are a slow-acting poison to the trust we need to make our love last a lifetime.
So, no, I can’t tell you anything other than what I’ve already told you.
I know it sounds crazy, but can you trust me, Luke? Can you trust me one more time?’
I feel as if I have just vomited up my soul and laid it at his feet. I have never in my whole thirty-five years on this planet felt so raw, so naked.
The seconds tick past as I wait for his reply, but Luke doesn’t say anything. He just shakes my hands from his, rises, and walks away. I chase him, grab at his jacket, but he shrugs me off without looking at me. ‘Leave it, Jess. I’m done.’
‘Luke … !’ I whisper as he jogs down the stairs into the rose garden, but he doesn’t even break his stride. He makes his way down the path, through an arch at the far end of the garden and is swallowed by the night.
I try to run after him, but my leg muscles are jelly. I stumble forward, only stopping myself from falling down the stairs into the rose garden by grabbing on to the rough stone railing. I try to call after him as tears flow freely down my face, but no sound comes out of my open, howling mouth.