41. Katy
Chapter forty-one
Katy
“W hat the fuck, Keller?” Ruth’s fury greets me like a punch to the face when I open my front door. She doesn’t say hello—doesn’t let me step aside to invite her in before pushing her way into my hallway, crowding me in the tiny space. I’m barefoot on the plush carpet and Ruth is wearing her office heels, giving her a good five inches over me, and she towers above me, rage blazing in her brown eyes.
“My fucking brother ? The one man in the entire fucking world who should be off limits and you’ve been screwing him for months?”
No words come out of my mouth. I open and close it like a fish as Ruth’s tirade picks up steam.
“Of all the fucking men in the entire fucking world and you have to fuck my brother . I leave London for all of five fucking minutes, and you can’t just leave well enough the fuck alone. And you didn’t even have the fucking decency to tell me yourself? I had to find out from Peter fucking Wankle.”
I suppress a shudder. Peter Wankle— Winkle, his name is Winkle —is a man Ruth one set me up on a date with when he first started working in her office, before we knew what a lecherous chauvinist he was. He’s six feet tall and stocky, with rugby player thighs, and his list of red flags is as long as I am tall. Unfortunately, none of them started to wave until we were already out on a date. The real question is, how did Peter Winkle know? I suppose neither Jay nor I have been especially discreet outside our homes. It probably wouldn’t have been difficult to see us somewhere and put two and two together.
I’ve never seen Ruth like this before. She’s practically trembling with rage. She’s always had a short fuse, but she’s also quick to forgive; she’s the pragmatic one. The logical one. She’s the problem-solver; I’m the laid-back one who floats on feelings.
Maybe my feelings are too much for Ruth this time.
Sometimes they’re too big for me, too.
Ruth is my best friend. She’s been my best friend since we were sixteen years old, and Amie and I met her in the sixth-form common room. But the way I feel about Jay—the way he’s come to mean so much, the way he cares for me, the way he looks at me, the way he touches me, cares for me, holds me—I love that man. I already know I could love him for the rest of my life. And if he lets me, I’m pretty sure I will.
My face feels hot and wet. Not the good kind—not the way Jay makes me blush—but the kind that says my emotions are too big. The kind that says I’m crying and I didn’t even realise it. I only notice when a tear drips from my jaw and hits my bare foot on the floor.
Ruth seethes before me, silently urging me to rebuke her rage, to come up with some excuse or lie or something in response to her argument. She wants to present me with whatever evidence she has like she’s in a courtroom trying to get me banged to rights. Ruth hasn’t stepped foot in a courtroom since passing her exams, but I think this is her moment. Slowly, I lift my shoulders in a defeated shrug.
“It just happened,” I whisper. My voice is broken. I haven’t spoken since Ruth barged in, shouting, and her pink face is still inches from mine. “We didn’t mean—we never wanted to hurt you.”
“He’s my fucking brother , Katherine. What did you think was going to happen?”
Breath leaves my lungs like I’ve been hit.
“I don’t know.”
“He’s delicate. He’s hurt. Troubled. He’s—he’s—”
“More than you’ve ever given him credit for,” I push. I don’t know where my sudden boldness comes from. I’m quiet, sure. But I’ve never been a wallflower. I’ve never been a pushover. I’m not one to stay silent in the face of injustice or when someone is coming at me the way Ruth is. But with Ruth screaming at me, I want to curl up and wave a white flag. I don’t want this. I want to go back to fifteen minutes ago when she was still my best friend and I could go to her with anything.
Except, I didn’t go to her. I didn’t tell her. I kept it a secret, and I broke her trust. I did exactly what she told me not to do. And now she’s looking at me like I broke her heart, too.
“He’s hurt , Katy,” she hisses. “He’s troubled, he’s seen things. He doesn’t need you to swoop in and try to fix him. He doesn’t need you fucking with his heart. Or his dick.”
“He’s healing , Ruth,” I say. “He doesn’t need fixing.” Coming to his defence emboldens me. This man—this charming, funny, smart, incredible man—he’s unlocked so much within me. What began as a tentative friendship snowballed into something I can hardly breathe without; his strength, his patience and determination, the set of his jaw when he realises he’s lost in his own head and fights so hard to get out. To come back to me. It’s no wonder I fell so hard, so deeply for him. It’s no wonder that when he wraps his arms around me, I feel safer than I’ve ever felt. Warmer. More loved.
Loving Jay came out of nowhere. I never meant to hurt Ruth. Lying to her and keeping secrets has broken my heart for the last eight weeks. But how could I tell her? She all but forbade all of us from pursuing her brother. Not that I would have pursued him as such. It just happened . If loving Jay means losing Ruth, I don’t think I could survive it. But if having my best friend back means losing Jay—well, that life wouldn’t be worth living, either.
Ruth sighs a loud, angry sigh.
“You’re a fucking traitorous bitch, Keller,” she says quietly. “My fucking brother. My brother. The one thing I have in this world that’s mine , and you can’t even let me have him. He’s my fucking brother, Katy. Isn’t that girl code? You don’t go after your best friend’s brother?”
Her voice breaks and takes my heart with it. I feel sick—not just to my stomach but to the depths of my bones. I don’t know how to stay upright anymore. My best friend is no longer furious but devastated, and a tear works its way down her cheek. She’s still in my face but I take a step closer anyway and put a hand on her arm. My skin barely makes contact with the cotton of her blouse, and she flinches.
“He’s not a possession, Ruth,” I whisper. “He’s the love of my life.”
I close my hand around her arm and pull her into me. She fights me like a cornered cat, limbs flying, and I’m pretty sure if she had claws, I’d be shredded like a lettuce.
“Don’t even think about it,” she hisses. “We’re done, Keller. Done .”
My front door is still cracked for the whole neighbourhood to hear our feud. Ruth spins on a pointy-toed heel and storms off, stilettos stomping down the driveway. After a beat of silence, I push the door closed with a soft click , and then slide down the wall beside it, hugging my knees to my chest as tears spill from my eyes.
I text Jay a warning, one I know he’ll see when he finishes his therapy session. It’s just two simple words, but those two words could be the start of everything changing. I stuff my phone in my pocket with trembling hands and pull my front door shut behind me. When I get to Amie’s house and stumble up her driveway, barely able to see through my tears, Paloma is just stepping out of the door. Immediately, she unlocks the door again, pulls me inside and shrugs off her coat.
“Amie,” she calls up the stairs. “Amie, S-O-S.”
Two pairs of feet thunder above our heads before two curious faces appear between the spindles of the bannister.
“Aunty K? Why you crying? Are you sad?” Maisy’s small voice floats down the stairs and her bright green eyes search my face with concern. Amie scoops her daughter into her arms and jogs down the stairs.
“Go and play, Maisy Mouse. We’ll be in soon, okay?” She ushers Maisy into the living room and me into the kitchen, pulling the door ajar, just enough to keep an eye on her daughter, and enough to give us some privacy from small eyes and ears. Paloma pulls out a dining chair before pushing me into it and bending to wipe the tears from my face. Amie pulls out a bottle of wine and a bottle of tequila, sets them on the table, and then sits across from me, pinning me with her own concerned gaze.
“What’s going on, K?”
“Ruth—” I hiccup. “Ruth hates me.”
Just when I thought I was all cried out, a fresh wave of tears clogs my throat and burns my eyes. I drop my head into my hands and sob as Amie and Paloma rub gentle circles on my back.
“What? Why would she hate you, Katy? Who could ever hate you?” Paloma strokes my hair softly. It feels so nice. Her touch is gentle and tender, at complete odds to the snarl in Ruth’s tone earlier. I shake my head.
“Katy? Katy, talk to us. What’s going on, babe?”
“I’m—” I hiccup again. I rub at my eyes with the back of my hand. Amie stretches in her seat, peering around the half-closed door to check on Maisy, playing with some dinosaur figures, before returning her attention to me. “I’m in love with Jay. And we’ve—we’re together. And she found out.”
“Jay? As in, Ruth’s brother Jay? Sexy army man Jay?”
“Lo.” Amie’s voice is a low warning. And then: “Oh, honey.”
My best friend wraps me in her arms, sliding me across the table towards her. Paloma piles on top of us, her long, willowy limbs surrounding us both.
“How long?”
“Months, I guess. I don’t know. We’ve been together for a few weeks.” I raise my head and sniffle. My nose is stuffy, and my eyes are swollen almost completely closed from crying. There’s a rhythmic pounding in my head, a drumbeat in time with my pulse. I turn to Paloma to explain. Although Amie knows a little of my feelings for Jay, Paloma only knows that we’ve become friends. “After he came out with us for Roo’s birthday, we sort of… became friends, I guess. And then more.”
“Oh, Katy.” Amie runs her hand over my hair as Paloma stands and rummages in a cupboard. “You should’ve said something, babe.”
“I know.” My voice comes out as a whisper. Paloma turns back to me with a cool, damp tea towel in her hands, and uses it to wipe my face gently. My stomach lurches at the tenderness of her touch. I’ve lied to my best friends for months, and they’re still treating me with a kindness I don’t deserve.
“At his birthday?” Paloma asks, and I nod. “Why didn’t you tell us?” She sits back in her seat and clasps my hand in both of her own. I can feel the tears beginning to well behind my eyes again and I shake my head. Deep breaths, Katy. I inhale and hold it for four beats, and then exhale again.
“I knew he was looking at you like he wanted to screw your brains out.” Amie barely looks up from her phone as her thumbs fly across the screen, but she traps her tongue between her teeth in a smirk as she speaks. She flips the phone around to show Paloma what’s on the screen, but I catch sight of Ruth’s kangaroo emoji and a fresh wave of sadness slams into me.
“I didn’t want to hurt Ruth,” I whisper. “I didn’t want her to know. At first, we were just friends, you know? But then… it just happened.”
“Is it serious?” Amie puts her phone face-down on the table and rests her hands over mine and Paloma’s. I nod again, and a small smile tugs at the corners of Amie’s lips. She squeezes her free arm around my shoulders.
“I just—” I sniffle. “I don’t want to hurt her. But I don’t want to lose Jay either. I’ve never felt like this before, Amie.” I lock eyes with her. “I can’t lose him.”
“You won’t lose him, babe,” Paloma promises. She reaches over to hug me again. “Or Roo. Just give her some time.”