Chapter 13
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
He hadn’t touched her again?
Not once? She wanted to believe him. Having answers was like that first fresh cut of the scalpel, making it hard to breathe. She didn’t know what to do.
“I worried about the baby after Amber understood how I planned for things to be.” He took off his cowboy hat and ran his hand through his dark hair as if clearing bad memories.
“I got rid of all the alcohol on the ranch. I had to ride roughshod over her not going out and partying—while driving intoxicated with my unborn son. She didn’t want Cooper.
Never did. She viewed the pregnancy as a prison sentence, keeping her from living like she wanted. ”
Amber Kincaid had grown up spoiled rotten and meaner than a rattlesnake.
She’d taken a stick to a “bad” horse. She’d hauled up and grabbed a hold of Hannah’s hair when Hannah had appeared in a blue dress for the spring dance with Ben at her side.
Their first spring dance—one that had ended in Amber throwing sticky red punch at her, causing them to leave the dance early.
Some people rubbed each other like sandpaper. She and Amber had pretty much hated each other since the first Easter egg hunt, when Amber had shoved her into the creek to grab the green-dyed goose egg hidden behind the nearby tree.
From then on, there’d always been a war.
One Ben had been part of.
“She always was a bitch,” Hannah said softly. “The health implications of her drinking during her pregnancy are frightening.”
“I know,” he agreed with a heavy exhale.
“I’d never been so relieved as the day he was born, because I knew I could protect him then.
I sure as hell kept her away when she started running wild and drinking again.
I was lucky her daddy was as concerned about Cooper as I was.
Paul managed to convince her to give full custody to me. ”
“I’d wondered.” She patted Orion’s neck when the horse leaned in to comfort her. “So that’s Amber. Except it’s not all I need to know. Ben, why didn’t you talk to me after I left? I called and texted. I tried to reach you every which way I could think of. You blocked me out.”
He shoved his black Stetson back on his head. “I had to, Hannah. It was the only way I could handle the hurt of you walking away.”
“But I was coming back!”
“We’d talked about getting married after college.
” He stood, bracing his hands on his belt.
“But you still didn’t want to settle down.
Otherwise, you would have trained locally like I thought we’d talked about.
You made me feel like I wasn’t important anymore.
Hannah, do you have any idea what that did to me? ”
His hoarse voice carried across the ridge, making Flame neigh in concern. “I’m sorry you felt that way. Why didn’t you talk to me?”
He snorted. “You think I was going to ask you that?”
No, of course not, and her heart ached to think her actions had caused him this kind of pain.
Had she been so blinded to her own desires?
“Ben, I thought you understood what an opportunity Scotland was. When you said no at the last minute, I thought you’d turned your back on us.
Then you cut me out of your life completely and moved on with Amber. I felt so betrayed.”
He rubbed his brow like he used to after a long day on the range, when he was worn to the bone.
“So did I. I loved you. When you chose to go, all I could see was you throwing my love back at me. Rejecting me. Abandoning me. Like my mother had. Maybe it wasn’t what you intended, but it was my reaction. ”
We might be getting somewhere.
“And now you’re living with another man up the road from me. On my own ranch. Do you think that’s easy to swallow?”
Or maybe not.
She stood. So he was going to bring that up. “My relationship with Neil is none of your business, but since you raised it, you should know that I couldn’t fall in love with him because of you. I can’t seem to love anyone the way I loved you.”
His face went slack with shock. She took a breath and held up a hand to give herself a moment.
For a long while, she’d wondered if her heart space had been taken up because theirs was first love, but she’d come to believe it was more.
Ben had been her other half, knowing what she needed before she did sometimes.
Making her laugh even when times were tough.
Helping her in things that also stretched him.
Making her feel more love, joy, and passion than anyone ever had.
Soulmates… There was no other way to describe it.
He stroked Flame under the ears when she nudged his hand. “Hannah, when you left, I honestly thought you were leaving for good. You always had big dreams. I didn’t think Sanctuary Springs was big enough for you.”
Ouch. That hurt. “We both dreamed big. I thought you were on board.”
He exhaled harshly. “Look, maybe it was the pressure and the plans I’d thought we’d made. Maybe it’s because I didn’t know myself well enough. Hannah, I realized I also might have been afraid I’d be like my mother and never want to come back.”
She inhaled sharply. “Ben!”
“Look, I know what you’re going to say, but it was buried deep.
You’re right. I liked talking about traveling and seeing the world.
Part of that was her—my mother—the part I feel isn’t my best nature.
Hannah, I love it here. I love the ranch and the legacy of the McAllisters.
But it comes with a single focus. A devotion, you might say.
One that doesn’t include traipsing off to other pastures, ones I might find greener. ”
The silence between them was suddenly greater than the sky above.
Of all the reasons, she’d never imagined this one…
yet somehow it made sense. On top of the abandonment, he would fear he might be like his mother.
She didn’t imagine she could feel sadder, but she did.
Her whole life, she’d thought she understood Ben McAllister, even the actions she didn’t agree with.
But this one had been buried so deep neither one of them had a chance to address it until it was too late. God, we’d been kids. We made mistakes.
He gestured awkwardly. “This place here might have a slower pace and a lot of hard work, but it’s given me purpose.
I understand why the land matters, why family is everything.
And what’s worth fighting for. That’s what I want to share with Cooper and the rest of my family, Will included.
If you stay, I know you’ll be doing so because that purpose runs through you too. ”
The wind caught her hair then, and she shivered.
His gaze was searching but somehow guarded. “But if you don’t think you can stick—if Sanctuary Springs isn’t going to be enough for you even with the idea of Will’s center—I don’t want there to be any hard feelings between us.”
“Neither do I.” She swallowed thickly. “That’s what this month's trial is all about.”
He untied Flame and swung onto the horse. “I suppose it is. I’ll give you some time with Sarah now.”
Without another word, he took off on Flame. She turned to the single pine and knelt where they’d buried all of Sarah’s hopes and wishes.
She hung her head.
Oh, Sarah, what am I supposed to make of all that? Ben made one mistake that cost us so much. Only how can I keep blaming him for not coming with me when he was actually afraid of himself and hadn’t known it?
Her only answer was a gentle breeze, a sign she felt was Sarah’s way of telling her to be easy with herself.
She and Ben knew more than they had before today, but would it heal all the hurt they’d caused to let them coexist in peace so she could work here if she decided to stay?
She had an entire month to find out.