Chapter 2 #3
With the support of this new community, she found she did identify as a woman, figured out she did use she/her pronouns.
Since then she’d happily existed somewhere intentionally undefined in the genderqueer realm, frequently as a fuck you to the male gaze and gender norms, and always as a challenge to existing power structures.
She just didn’t want to be a woman in the ways it had always been expected of her to be.
Before this time, she had experienced the very real pain of non-belonging until she found the people who wanted to claim her exactly as she was, until she found herself. Now, she worried she’d given it all up.
She cleared her throat at the sudden flood of memories. She shoveled the last bite of food into her mouth while her dad peered over his coffee cup in what she decided was an effort to decode why she was having an existential crisis in the middle of breakfast.
He canted his head as he sat down his cup. “‘Bout that time I guess.”
She ignored the curious way he inspected her face for signs of what was brewing underneath and resorted to humor instead. “Don’t tell me you bought one of those chalkboard signs, and I have to write how many days old I am and what my favorite food is on it.”
“You gotta let me have a little fun, Ro.”
Rowan chuckled and grabbed their plates from the table.
After physically willing herself again to leave the comfort of a place she knew for one she wanted to know, her nervousness dissipated and excitement slowly emerged in its place.
As she drove to her first day at her new job in the old truck she was borrowing from her dad, she took deep breaths and felt a rush of calming energy from the budding oaks and pines that lined her route.
Maybe she was ready to do this. Maybe she was ready to learn a new way of relating to her community, this time as a confident adult with a deep understanding of who she was, something she could definitely not say was true about herself fifteen years ago.
Rowan took in the freshness and sheer size of the administrative building’s gray stone construction as she climbed the front steps.
This was new. Very new. After getting directions from a chipper older woman at the front desk who eyed her over several times – though she had enjoyed dating older women before, maybe this age gap was a little much – she found her way to Theo Tyler’s office on the first floor and sat down in the waiting area.
His office was located within a suite of several executive offices, and she couldn’t help the way her gaze darted around in awe of what it felt like to be in a space like this, that her Tribe built.
“Hey! Rowan – right? How are you?”
Theo greeted her enthusiastically, though flustered, as he walked in for the day, juggling a Nalgene water bottle, a tumbler of iced coffee, and several stacks of paper.
Rowan stood to offer some assistance and motioned toward the paper threatening to spill across the floor.
“Let me grab these for you.”
“Thank you,” he drew out the last word exaggeratedly as he handed them over to her.
Rowan followed Theo into his office and took a look around.
The walls were filled with images of what appeared to be campaign events, ribbon-cutting ceremonies, and Tribal programming.
This was clearly a man who was proud of the work he had been involved in.
Despite his flustered entrance, he had his shit together.
Then she noticed the progress pride flag sticker on the window behind his desk.
Ally or queer community member? She made a mental note to get to know him a little better.
“Have a seat.” Theo motioned to the two armchairs in front of his desk. “So, how are you adjusting, moving back from the big city?”
Theo flashed a genuine smile, ran a hand through his short, slicked-back black hair, and folded his hands to rest on his desk. It made her want to run her hand through hers too. And ask him where he got a haircut like that around here.
“Pretty well so far, I think. I’ve only been back for a week now. I’m staying with my dad while I look for a place. It feels unnecessarily hard to find a place to rent around here.”
Theo chuckled lightly.
“Yeah, I hear you. We don’t really advertise anything like that around here.
All word of mouth. We did recently build some new houses for Tribal members to eventually buy, and we’re renting them out for the time being until we work through this new home buying program we’re starting.
If you’re interested in something short term? ”
The idea of a short term commitment was appealing. Just enough so that she could keep one foot out the door if she needed to.
“Absolutely, please, that would be great.”
“Sure. Well, maybe a tour of the building is a good place to start? Does that sound good to you?”
“That would be great. I’m kind of blown away by this place,” she said, standing up from her chair.
“Pretty amazing, right? You’ll notice lots of empty spaces too. We have a lot of expansion planned in the next few years so we built it to surpass our needs for now.”
Theo crossed around the desk and held the door open for Rowan to exit back into the waiting room, then out into the large hallway that ran directly down the center of the building. Rowan tucked her hands into her pockets as she strolled next to Theo.
“The building houses all three branches of our government: executive, legislative, and judicial. Chairwoman Grant oversees the executive branch. She was re-elected a couple years ago, so we’re gearing up for a new campaign here soon.”
Rowan nodded. She’d never met her, but she was looking forward to it. In her lifetime, she’d only ever known men to hold the highest elected role of authority in the Tribe. She was clearly making a lot of good things happen. It felt aggressive, in a productive, good way.
“Then we have the legislative branch, which is basically the Tribal Council, also elected citizens, who are responsible for creating laws, among other duties.” Theo motioned down the hall to a separate wing off to the right. “Their offices and meeting chambers are down that way.”
“Then over here,” he motioned to another large conference style room off to the left, “we have the judicial branch. This is just picking up speed as we get more authority to control our own adjudication system. I’m sure you know in your line of work how the federal government says Tribes are sovereign until we have the need to make laws that govern our own land. ”
Rowan nodded and sighed out in agreement. “Sure do.”
“Also, I’m sorry – you probably know all this! I’m talking to you like you’re not from around here!”
Theo’s smile downturned like he was a little mortified at how he’d gone on about it all. Rowan wasn’t offended, though she normally would have scoffed at the mansplaining; things had changed much more than she’d realized while being away.
“No, that’s ok. It’s all a good reminder.”
“We’re really looking forward to the leadership you’ll bring to the environmental department.
I know we talked about that in your interviews, the vision the Chairwoman has, as well as your own vision and all the experience you have with Tribal Nations here and internationally with other Indigenous people.
Your mix of environmental knowledge, policy work, and that you’re a lawyer, you can help us out with consultations with the federal government over our land use.
That’s something we’re really pushing for more self-determination over. ”
Rowan nodded in agreement.
She internally hoped she could keep up with all the hype.
Sure, she had all of the experience he described and more, but she had never worked directly for a Tribal Nation before, more as a legal consultant or advocate.
She knew how unique and nuanced it could be, how political it could be too.
There was no stand-in for direct experience like that, but her breadth of knowledge of how other Indigenous people were approaching their environmental work could provide some useful insight for her Tribe to make its own decisions.
“Speaking of self-determination over our land,” Theo continued, “on this floor we have our brand new food sovereignty program office. It’s an expansion of a traditional foods program one of our community members has built from the ground up over the last several years.
This program technically falls under the environmental department. ”
Rowan picked up on the hesitant way his voice wavered over the word technically.
“What do you mean, technically?”
“Well… the woman who runs it is sort of a firecracker.”
“A firecracker?” Rowan let out a slight laugh as she asked the question.
She hadn’t heard someone be called something like that in… several years. A specific image popped into her head of an outspoken teenage girl who used to get in trouble debating anything and everything under the sun with anyone who would give her an audience.
“She’s assertive – which is a good thing!
A little impulsive. Very charismatic. Just drives kind of a hard bargain sometimes.
She made it very clear she answers to almost no one when we offered her the shot at operating her program for the Tribe instead of out of her mom’s house and backyard.
Which, come to think of it, sounds like an upgrade, right? ”
Theo shook his head as if they’d all been duped.
He continued, “So, technically, the program falls under you, but I wouldn’t go into this really thinking that, you know?”
“Yeah, I think I get it.”
“Anyway,” Theo continued as they finally reached the door of the office they were walking toward.
“Her program will play a role in achieving our Tribe’s vision of reclaiming our power in the food system with ecologically sound, culturally appropriate, and sustainable planting and harvesting methods.
Sounds like I’m reading off a cue card… which I guess I kind of am since she gave the whole administrative office talking points after she finally agreed to sign off on the budget allocations. ”
He shook his head again at how ludicrous it all sounded. And it did sound ludicrous. And there was only one person, one person who also posed with corn stalks for a social media profile picture… No, there was no way. She was just being overly hopeful, and excessively anxious.
“I’m sure she’ll explain it even better than me.”
Theo knocked a little tune against the door frame.
“Come in!”
Rowan heard through the door, in a voice she could recognize across a million different lifetimes. Her heart practically thumped against her rib cage.
“Good morning, Juniper,” Theo called into the room as he opened the door and stepped to the side, framing Rowan perfectly in the middle of the opening.
Rowan watched as Juniper’s vibrant smile – the one she’d stared at in that tiny profile picture more times than she’d care to admit out loud – dropped instantly.
She watched the hurt flicker through Juniper’s eyes, a moment of raw vulnerability she could see her desperately trying to cover up in self-preservation, before they glazed over.
Rowan knew the color from her face drained instantaneously at the sight. Even though she had no right to hurt, it still hurt to witness.
“Good morning, Theo.” Juniper cleared her throat and looked back down at her desk. “Rowan,” she added curtly.