Chapter Fifteen
Chapter Fourteen
ETHAN
I stood on the patio near the house and watched Jessa as she lit the fire, and my heart ached for what Cody had put her through. I didn’t need any more convincing that Cody was a dirtbag, but this dropped him to the level of worst guy in town. It was hard for me to believe Jessa let someone like Cody affect her so deeply. She had always seemed so confident to me, but maybe her tough exterior was all for show. With Jessa, there were a lot of layers to unwrap. I knew it might take me a while to get through them, but I was willing to wait. I’d waited this long to get this close to her. What was a little bit longer?
But there would be no breaking down of her walls at all if she didn’t give me a chance. She felt something for me, though. She’d admitted she’d been thinking about me. And that was all the opening I needed.
No, I wasn’t giving up on me and Jessa. No matter what arguments she had against us dating.
Luke casually strolled up and stopped at my side as I watched Jessa. “So, is she in love with you yet?”
I smiled. “Almost.”
“Only one more day left. I believe in you.”
“Dude, I told you, I’m not doing your stupid dare.”
Luke chuckled. “I know. But I’m still rooting for you two kids.”
“Well, thanks.”
“Did I see you sneak off together earlier?”
“It wasn’t like that.”
“It never is.” He smirked.
“She doesn’t think us dating is a good idea,” I explained.
“Why not?”
“She has her reasons.” I didn’t think she’d appreciate me sharing them, so I kept our conversation to myself.
“From what I can tell about Jessa, she’s not going to make this easy on you.”
“You can say that again.” I glanced around to make sure nobody was listening to us. “We did kiss, though. During the tornado.”
“Alright, man. Congrats.” He held his fist out, and I bumped it. “And how was it?”
A grin spread across my face.
“Your smile speaks for itself.”
“And that’s all you’re getting from me about that.”
He nodded once. “Good man.”
We made our way over to the fire, and I sat on an empty hay bale across from Jessa. She was poking at the fire with a stick, talking to the girls, and pretty much ignoring my presence. Still, I watched her and remembered how close we came to an encore of that first kiss earlier tonight.
Her eyes finally lifted and met mine, and I gave her a little closed-mouth smile. Those eyes didn’t stay on mine for more than three seconds, but they still got my blood pumping. And I was dying to know what was going on in her mind. Was she thinking about our kiss or maybe our conversation earlier?
I wanted to move to sit beside her. I wanted to tuck her into my side and watch the fire as it snapped and crackled and sent sparks floating up into the night sky. I wanted to kiss her soft lips again and feel everything I’d waited for in my life click into place. Me and Jessa, finally together. The dream felt so close to a reality now.
“May I join you?” Kassie asked as she walked up and stood next to my hay bale.
“Sure.” I scooted over to leave plenty of space between us, and my eyes went straight to Jessa to see if she noticed. And she did.
“How are … things?” Kassie subtly tilted her head toward Jessa.
“Moving in the right direction.”
She gave me a little smile then leaned closer and lowered her voice. “Do you need any more help in that department? Because I’m not opposed to a little more blatant flirting if it helps your cause.”
I chuckled. But then I noticed Jessa had the same look on her face she’d had at The Sawmill when Kassie and I were dancing. “I think your help would actually do more damage now than anything else, but I appreciate the offer.”
Kassie nodded understandingly. “Say no more.” She got up and patted my shoulder. “Enjoy your night.”
As the hours grew later, the fire died down and guests departed. Tomorrow was a big day, and rest was necessary, but I wasn’t sure I’d be able to sleep with my mind whirling like the tornado.
Especially since Ellie’s bridesmaids were all spending the night at the house so they could get ready together in the morning, which meant Jessa and I would be sleeping under the same roof.
I helped clean up around the yard and take the trash out before I headed inside. The house was filled with laughter and girl talk. It was such a familiar sound from our childhood, and I was struck by feelings of nostalgia and an ache in my heart that Mom wasn’t there in the kitchen, making popcorn for the girls for one of their slumber parties.
I moved into the kitchen and took in the decor that had been the same since our childhood. My throat tightened, but instead of shoving down my emotions, I embraced them and let the tears come. I smiled at the memories and hauled out the old popcorn maker that I was pretty sure was from the 80s. I hoped it still worked as I plugged it in and grabbed a saucepan to melt some butter.
“Ethan.”
My sister stood in the doorway with tears of her own.
“I thought since Mom isn’t here to make it for you …”
She crossed the kitchen and attacked me with a hug.
Tears prickled my eyes again, and I let them fall.
Ellie let go and brushed one of my tears away. “We didn’t get to talk today. Are you okay after what happened last night?”
I nodded. “It was like the moment we turned onto that road, I went into shock, knowing that was where it happened. And there was a man in the ditch who I could’ve helped, but I couldn’t move. Then Jessa yelled at me, and I told her what happened in that spot, and I totally lost it.”
“I’m glad Jessa was there for you through all that. I would’ve been a mess too. I haven’t gone out that way since the accident either. I don’t ever want to.”
“It actually helped me. I think there’s a lot of the grieving process that I’ve been repressing all this time, and I need to let that out. I felt much better after having a really good cry last night.”
“Gram and I were both worried about you for a long time, you know. We worried that you hadn’t cried and what that might mean for you. We’ve both prayed for you about it. I’m glad that prayer was finally answered, and you can start to get through more of those feelings you haven’t dealt with. I don’t think we’ll ever stop grieving for them, though. People say it comes and goes in waves, and that’s so true. And I’ve learned it’s normal too. So, don’t be afraid to let yourself feel what you need to feel.”
I gave her another hug. “Thanks, Ell.”
“This was so nice of you.” She pointed at the popcorn maker.
“Mom always made an extra bowl for me and brought it upstairs. She did the same thing every time—kiss the top of my head, ruffle my hair, set the bowl on my nightstand, and say something silly like ‘Have fun saving Princess Peach’ when I was playing Legend of Zelda.”
Ellie laughed.
“I had to play video games because of all your girl noise down here.”
Jessa appeared in the doorway. “Is something burning?”
We both sniffed the pungent aroma and turned to see smoke coming up from the pan I’d been melting the butter in.
“Oh, shoot!” I cried as I discovered a blackened mess and yanked the pan off the stovetop.
Jessa grabbed a Walmart bag from the plastic bag holder on the pantry door and darted over to the air popper. “You might want something to put all this popcorn in.”
The popcorn was half on the counter and half on the floor, and Jessa held the bag open so the freshly popped kernels could fall in.
“I forgot a bowl,” I declared.
“No duh. Come here,” she said.
I moved closer. “Nobody says ‘no duh’ anymore.”
She grabbed my shoulder and pressed down. “Get down on your knees under the air popper and open your mouth and maybe you can actually catch popcorn for once,” she teased.
Her laughter made me smile, and I took hold of her hips to move her and her Walmart bag aside. My hands remained there a few seconds longer than necessary, and I squeezed gently before letting go.
She looked over at me with wide eyes and parted lips, and I would’ve bet money that she felt something.
I kneeled down on the floor amidst the popcorn.
“Wait, Ethan! I was kidding,” she said.
I reached for her leg, letting my hand slide over the back of her thigh and grip her calf to help me balance, and I opened my mouth to collect the falling pieces.
“This is genius!” I chomped a few and went for some more.
Jessa and Ellie started laughing, which drew Penny and Tally into the room too.
“What is happening in here?” Penny said.
“Oh my goodness,” Tally said. “Too bad Nora isn’t here. She would’ve loved to catch this moment on video.”
“I’ll get my phone.” Penny ran into the other room and returned with camera running.
“I’m doing it!” I cried as I caught more and gobbled it down.
“I’ve never been prouder,” Ellie joked.
“Good job,” Penny and Tally both said.
Jessa chuckled. “Lifetime achieve—”
I slid my hand up the back of her thigh on my way to standing. That was apparently enough to stop her mid-sentence, and I puffed my chest out proudly as I stood.
“What was that you were going to say, Jessa?” I teased.
“You’re an idiot.” She walked across the room and retrieved the broom from the pantry.
I grinned as she went about sweeping up the mess. In my book, Jessa’s insults were akin to me pulling her ponytail to let her know I liked her. It was practically an “I love you.” I’d take “You’re an idiot” over her ignoring me any day.
Ellie took some bowls out of the cupboard and stepped in making the popcorn after my disastrous attempt.
“What, you don’t trust me to make it?” I pretended to stab myself in the heart, and Ellie pushed me in the direction of the door.
“Good night, E.”
“Night, Ell.”
My gaze flitted in Jessa’s direction. She was cleaning up popcorn, not giving me the look I longed for.
“Night, Jessa,” I said.
“Mm-hmm.” She kept her eyes on the floor.
My dreams started off as pleasant as the campfire, with visions of Jessa’s face, glowing warmly from the firelight. But soon it turned to the night of the tornado. I could still hear the loud rumbling and the sound of things being tossed by the wind. Her eyes had been frantic with fear before she covered my mouth with hers. My mind recreated our adrenaline-fueled kiss. It felt so real, and I sank into it, reliving every moment. Her lips on mine. The passion, the heat, the longing. Her choice. My dream come true.
My feet suddenly sank down, giving me the sensation of sinking into mud, and my lips were yanked away from hers. I was fully prepared to fight my way out of it when something tapped my shin, and I jumped, my eyelids flying open in the darkness of my room.
“It’s me,” a voice whispered, and it took me a minute of grogginess to realize who me was.
“Jessa?”
“Yeah.”
“Were you just kissing me?” I asked in my sleepy haze.
She snort-laughed. “Yeah, because I came up here to make out with you while you were asleep.”
“It felt so real,” I said.
“Were you”—she paused—“dreaming about me?”
I sat up and rubbed my eyes as I reached for the lamp on my nightstand.
“Leave it off,” she said.
“That’s what I’m talking about.” I couldn’t resist.
She stood and walked toward the door. “This was a bad idea.”
“Wait.” I was out of my bed in a second and bolted to the door to block her from leaving. “Don’t go.”
Her hand, which had been on a path for the doorknob, poked my belly button, and she jerked it back as if she’d been burned.
I took hold of her wrist and laid her hand against my bare chest, over my heart. I could barely see her face since the only light in the room was the subtle glow from the streetlights outside, but I could tell she wanted to run. I kept hold of her wrist until I was sure she wouldn’t take her hand away and rested my hands on her waist, gently pulling her closer, her hand on my chest the only thing keeping us apart.
“I wasn’t expecting you to sneak into my room tonight, but I’m not mad about it,” I said softly. “Wait, this isn’t some kind of slumber party prank, is it? Did the girls put you up to this?”
“Nobody even knows I’m up here. I waited until they fell asleep. And I wouldn’t mess with you like that. We aren’t teenagers anymore.”
“So, let me get this straight. You laid there awake, thinking about me, waiting for everyone to fall asleep so you could sneak up to my room? Sounds exactly like something a teenager would do.”
She let out a little laugh. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
I chuckled softly.
“I thought we should talk.” Her whispered words sent goosebumps over my skin.
The darkness made it feel intimate and sexy, but I was nervous about why she was there. And of course, I chose to make things weird.
“About how you poked my belly button?” I asked.
“What?”
“That’s why you came in here, isn’t it? My belly button. You wanted to touch it.”
“Stop.”
“All you had to do was ask.”
She pushed against my chest and attempted to shove me to the side. “I’m trying to be serious, Ethan. Let me out of here.”
“I’ll stop. I promise.” I took hold of her hand. “Let’s talk.”
She let me lead her to the bed, and we sat down next to each other. I tried to keep her hand in mine, but she pulled it away and clasped her hands in her lap.
Again, I reached for the lamp.
“Can we leave that off? I don’t want you looking at me while I say what I want to say.”
My heart sank. “I get it. You’re about to disappoint me, and you don’t want to see me cry. Go ahead, do your worst. I can take it. I’m a big boy, and—”
“Are you capable of closing your mouth for two seconds?”
I clamped my mouth shut and mumbled “one, two” behind closed lips.
She chuckled. “What am I going to do with you?”
I laid my hand on her knee. “Anything you want.”
She pushed my hand away. “You have to stop that.” The words were those Jessa would normally use to get me to quit with my antics, but the tone was softer.
“Stop what?”
“I don’t know how it happened, but these past few days with you have been … different.”
“Different good?”
“Just … different,” she replied.
My lips lifted in a grin, and I was glad she couldn’t see how big it was.
“But things need to go back to the way they were. Immediately.”
My grin flipped upside down.
“You have to stop flirting with me, and you can’t mention the night of the tornado. We need to forget that ever happened.”
“There is no way I could forget that.” I reached for her hand again. “And I don’t want to.”
She headed toward the door again. “That’s what I’m talking about.”
I followed her and stopped when she did with my chest inches from her back.
“You can’t say stuff like that to me.”
“But it’s the truth,” I spoke softly.
“It’s too weird, Ethan. You’re Ellie’s pesky younger brother. You irritate and infuriate and annoy me.”
My instinct was to say something funny in reply, but I decided not to be a smart aleck this time.
“The idea of something more with you makes me feel ...”
I took hold of her arms and turned her around to face me. “Tell me.”
“Everyone would be watching us. There would be all this pressure from our friends and family.”
“What kind of pressure?”
“People have expectations. They want the whole happily ever after thing. I don’t know if that’s something I’m capable of.”
“Why do you say that?”
“I don’t know if I believe in it. At least not for me.”
“You’re only saying that because you’re afraid.”
“I’m not afraid of anything.”
“ Pfft. ”
“What? I’m not.”
“You’re afraid of letting someone in after what Cody did to you. You’re afraid of getting hurt, so you’ve closed yourself off. You forget that I was around to see all of it. I saw the change in you when you were with Cody. I never saw you smiling when you were with him. It was like the light in your eyes disappeared. And I couldn’t understand why you were with him or why you let him overshadow you when you were always the brightest spot in any room. You still are.”
Her lips parted, but she didn’t reply.
“You may not want to admit it, but I see you, Jessa. I always have.”