Chapter Twenty-Five
Chapter Twenty-Four
JESSA
M y eyes felt puffy, my throat was tight and sore, and my head was pounding. I hadn’t cried like that in a long time. Maybe ever. Every time I thought about my mom showing up, the tears started again. And then I thought about Ethan getting me to say I had feelings for him so he could get his stupid car fixed, and I broke into sobs.
This wasn’t how this weekend was supposed to end.
I stood and walked along the sidewalk in the direction of my family’s business on the other side of town. It wasn’t open on Sundays, but sometimes Wyatt was there, especially now that he and Erica had split up. Something within me needed to talk to my family.
An hour later, I walked up, surprised to see my dad’s truck alongside Wyatt’s.
I headed in through the side entrance and heard their voices in the office. They startled when I stopped in the doorway.
“Hey.” Even that one word dripped with sadness.
“I thought you had a breakfast at Ellie’s this morning,” Dad said.
The tears burned my eyes again, and my chin quivered as I fought from crying in front of them.
“What’s the matter?” His brow wrinkled with concern.
“Mom came to see me,” I managed.
“Oh, Jessie. I’m so sorry. I was waiting until after all the wedding stuff was over to talk to you. I told her I wanted to tell you first so you could decide if you wanted to see her or not.” Dad stepped across the room from where he’d been standing and opened his arms to me. “Do you need a hug?”
It wasn’t often I got a hug from my dad, so I took it and cried into his broad chest.
Wyatt got up and came over, and Dad gave him a turn hugging me.
I looked up at my brother as we let go. “She said she came to see you too.”
He nodded. “That’s what I couldn’t talk to you about that day you were here. I was still processing. I told her to leave you alone, but I should’ve warned you she might be coming to see you.”
We all sat down together, Dad handed me a tissue, and I wiped away my tears.
“She said she talked to Shane. What about Levi?”
“I don’t think so,” Dad replied.
“How did Shane take it?” I asked.
“I had to bail him out of jail last night.”
My mouth fell open. “No.”
“Yeah, he made a bit of a scene out at the pub last night. Picked a fight. Did a little damage.”
I let out a deep breath. “He’s stayed out of trouble for so long.”
“I know.” Dad hung his head a little.
“This is how he always dealt with things when he was younger,” Wyatt said. “He doesn’t know any other way.”
“He needs to learn another way,” I said, “because I don’t want him ruining his life because of … her.”
We were all quiet for a few beats.
“Are you okay, Dad?” I asked.
He nodded. “I hoped this day wouldn’t come, but I had a feeling it would. I’m glad she’s working on herself after all these years, finally getting help for her addiction, because I couldn’t do it for her, as much as I wanted to. She had to do it for herself.”
“I guess I’m glad she’s in AA and everything, but I wish she hadn’t come. I’m so confused and angry, and I can totally see why Shane would want to break things.” I looked at Wyatt. “I want to hit something too.”
Wyatt held his hands up defensively. “I’m no punching bag. Go to the gym.”
He gave me a wink, and I gave him a halfhearted laugh.
“What are we supposed to do now?” I really had no clue. “Am I supposed to forgive her or something?”
“Well, that’s up to you,” Dad replied. “Forgiveness doesn’t mean letting the person who wronged you back into your life. It means letting go of the feelings that have plagued you and moving on. If you don’t want to get to know her, you don’t have to. It’s your choice.”
I looked at my brother. “What are you going to do?”
“I don’t know yet. It’s different for me because I remember. I remember it all. And I can’t just forget all the ways she hurt us with her drinking. I thought I’d forgiven her years ago until she showed up, and then all the old anger, bitterness, and resentment came back stronger than before. So, it’s going to take a while to work through this. Again.” He frowned. “I hate that she came back. I’ve already got enough to deal with.”
“Erica you mean?”
He nodded sadly.
“I’m so sorry, Wyatt.”
“It is what it is.”
We were quiet again. Grandma June had given me so much wonderful advice about relationships and marriage, but I didn’t know what to say to comfort my brother, whose marriage was falling apart.
We weren’t much for serious talks like this. Never had been. We were a family of few words and not big on showing our emotions. This was probably the longest conversation we’d had in years.
“It was a nice wedding yesterday. Ellie and Cooper.” Dad was obviously trying to change the subject. He probably didn’t know how to comfort Wyatt either. “You and Ethan seemed pretty close.”
My chin began to quiver against my will, and tears filled my eyes.
“Or not,” Dad said as he patted my back.
I blew my nose hard into a tissue. “It’s complicated.”
Dad gave me a ride back to my apartment, and I used his phone to call my landlord to come let me in.
I wasn’t there very long when there was a knock at the door. I didn’t want to answer. It was probably Ethan, and I didn’t know what I would do next time I saw him.
A few more knocks sounded, and I heard Penny’s voice. “Jessa, are you there? It’s us. Open up.”
“Who’s us?” I asked through the door.
“Us girls,” Ellie answered.
I reluctantly opened the door and saw Luke behind them. “Luke’s not a girl.”
“Thanks for noticing,” he said.
Ellie took hold of my upper arms. “Jessa, you’ve been crying. Are you okay?”
The tears filled my eyes again, and I shook my head.
“Jessa.” Ellie pulled me into her arms, and the girls surrounded me with their hugs as I cried some more.
I didn’t think I had any tears left in me, but they kept coming.
“I think you’ll feel better if you give Luke a chance to explain,” Tally said.
“Yeah, Luke has something to say,” Penny stated.
“It’s my mom,” I said as we moved our conversation inside.
“Your mom?” Tally asked.
“What about your mom?” Penny’s eyebrows raised.
Ellie’s forehead wrinkled. “I thought you were upset about Ethan.”
“I am, but I’m also upset about my mom showing up in town.”
The shock on the girls’ faces spoke volumes, and they bombarded me with questions all at once.
“Are you serious?”
“She’s here?”
“Did you see her?”
“Yes to all. She gave me a ride home and revealed who she was. She’s in AA now and trying to make amends.”
“Wow!” Penny said. “This is a surprise. How do you feel?”
I pointed my fingers at my face. “I mean, look at me. I’m kind of a mess.” I plopped down on the couch, and they squeezed in around me while Luke sat in the chair.
“You have every right to be a mess,” Ellie told me. “You haven’t seen her in decades. That had to be a huge shock.”
“What did she say?” Tally asked.
“It’s kind of a blur.” I replayed what had happened as best as I could remember. “It feels so surreal that she was here, right in front of me, telling me how sorry she was and how she wanted us to have a relationship and get to know each other.” I got out the three pictures she’d left with me and showed them. “She gave me these.”
Ellie let out a little gasp when she flipped to the second picture. “Mom.”
“I know. I cried when I saw that one.”
“I’ve never seen this picture before.” She ran her finger over her mom’s face. “And look how little and cute we were.”
Tally and Penny leaned in to look.
“Awww, best friends since birth,” Penny said.
“Adorable.” Tally smiled.
“How do you feel?” Penny asked.
I let my head rest against the back of the couch and let out a deep breath. “I don’t know. Confused, angry, sad.” A memory of Ethan smiling came over me. “And do you know the first person I wanted to talk to about this?” I frowned. Just the thought of saying his name made me sad.
“You should talk to him,” Ellie said. “He wants to talk to you.”
I shook my head. “I can’t.”
“Just so you know, Ethan didn’t actually accept my dare,” Luke interjected. “We were only goofing around, and I was the brilliant one who brought it up. And yeah, Ethan talked about it, but he wasn’t seriously going to do it.”
“See.” Penny pushed my arm.
“What Nora didn’t catch on camera,” Luke continued, “was him telling me he was out. He wanted to tell you how he felt about you in his own time and let things happen naturally, not because someone dared him to do it, and not for money.”
“Tell her what else he said.” Ellie had a big grin on her face.
“He said you’re the only reward he needs.”
My mind shifted into overdrive, and they were all quiet while I let his words sink in.
“So, he really didn’t take the dare?”
Luke shook his head. “He would never do that to you. We were just trying to get him to finally tell you how he felt. He’s been crazy about you forever, and we were tired of watching him pine away for you.”
I let out a little laugh. “He wasn’t pining for me.”
They all burst out laughing.
“Oh, honey.” Penny gave my hand a squeeze. “If ever there was someone who pined for another from afar, it’s Ethan.”
I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees with my face in my hands. “This day has been a disaster.”
Ellie gave me a side hug. “You could make it better if you come back to the house with us.”
“He really wants to talk to you,” Penny said.
“He’s going kind of crazy over there worrying about you,” Tally added.
I lifted my head to look at my friends, barely enough energy left to react and definitely not enough to refuse. “Alright. Let’s go.”
My stomach was in knots as we drove back to the Sweet’s home. I shouldn’t have run like I had, but I truly thought Ethan had wronged me, and I couldn’t just stay there if he had.
We pulled into the driveway, and I got out and walked straight inside, where Grandma June was switching dishwasher loads.
“You came back,” she said with a smile.
I nodded and looked toward the living room, where a few were still visiting, but I didn’t see Ethan.
“He’s in his room.” She tilted her head toward the stairs.
I gave her a little closed-mouth smile. “Thank you.”
“Good luck,” the girls said as I headed up.
I made my way to Ethan’s room, nervous energy buzzing through me, but I wasn’t prepared for the sight of him when I opened the door.
He was sitting on his bed with his head down slightly. He looked up, tears streaming down his cheeks.
“Ethan,” I said softly.
He swiped the wetness away. “I told you. Floodgates open.”
We just stared at each other for several long moments.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said.
“You have nothing to be sorry for. I’m the one who should apologize.” He wiped at more tears as he stood, crossed the room, and took me in his arms.
I buried my face in his neck as he cried into mine.
“I didn’t take Luke’s dare,” he whimpered. “I promise you, I didn’t.”
I held onto him for dear life, and he held me the same way.
When he finally leaned away, he kept a hold on me with his arms locked around my lower back and looked into my eyes. “I would never do something as dumb as risking our relationship for a stupid dare. You have to believe me.”
“I believe you.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, Luke told me the truth. And I think deep down, I already knew. The whole thing just struck a chord with me, ya know?”
“I know.” He drew me in for another hug, and I snuggled in close to him, gripping the back of his shirt, holding him tightly.
This time, when he pulled away, he stared deep into my eyes.
“You know I’m in love with you, right?”
I swallowed hard and gave him a little smile. “I’m just catching up.”
“I know. And you can take all the time you need. I’ll be here.”
“Okay,” I nervously replied. Love? I’d never been in love before, though I thought that’s what I had with Cody.
We moved to sit on the bed together, and he took my hand between both of his.
“I’m sorry I walked away,” I told him.
“It’s okay. You needed space and time to cool down.”
I reached up and touched his chest. “I'm sorry for shoving you.”
He shrugged his shoulders. “At least you didn't give me a shiner.”
I leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.
He let out a little groan and rubbed the redness. “I think I need another one of those.”
I raised my fist in the air, and he cowered.
“A kiss, not a punch.”
I chuckled as I kissed his cheek again. “Satisfied?” I asked.
He gave me a nod and a smile.
“That car that picked me up … that was my mom, by the way.”
His eyes darted to mine, and his mouth dropped open. “I’m sorry, what?”
“You heard me right.” I shook my head, still in disbelief.
“Wow. What’s she doing here? What did she say? Did she explain why she left?”
“Too many questions.”
“Are you okay?” He cupped my cheek, and that kind of comfort felt so foreign to me.
“I will be. It’s going to take a bit to process.”
“What did she want?”
“To apologize and make amends. She’s doing the twelve-step program, trying to make herself a better person.”
“That’s good at least.”
“Yeah.” I squeezed his hand as I told him more of our conversation. “I don’t think I’m ready to have her be part of my life, though.”
“Understandable. But don’t forget what we talked about last night.”
“I remember.” I looked down at my hands holding onto Ethan’s, and he loosened his grip, allowing me to slowly turn them over and open my palms like he’d talked about last night. “I want to forgive her. I really do. But not for her. For me.”
“Whatever you want to do, I’m here for you.”
I looked at him. “I want to let it go.”
I closed my eyes and prayed silently for God’s help as I released all the anger over being abandoned, the sadness over not having a mother to raise me, and the bad attitude I’d developed because of it. Tears slipped from beneath my closed lids as I let go of the hurt and humiliation over Cody casting me aside and the constant fear that it would happen again if I let someone in. I’d held so much inside for so long, and it had done a lot of damage. I was ready to stop carrying the weight of the past around with me and discover how happy and light my future could be by letting go.
When I finally opened my eyes, Ethan took my hands in his and kissed the back of each. “I’m really proud of you.” He put his arm around me and squeezed me into his side.
“You know, you were the first person I wanted to talk to after I saw her,” I told him. “And after what happened, I thought I couldn’t, which felt so crippling.”
A ridiculously huge grin spread across his face.
“What?”
“You love me too. I knew it.”
“I didn’t say that.”
He took my face in his hands and leaned closer. “You didn’t have to.”
His lips met mine, and there was no talking for a while after that. We cuddled up on his bed, kissing and talking, totally wrapped up in each other, until there was cheering outside the window when Ellie and Cooper were leaving on their honeymoon.
“Oh no, we’re going to miss the sendoff.” I tried to sit up, but Ethan tightened his arm around me and pinned me down with his leg draped across my body.
He rolled so he was hovering over me and pressed a gentle kiss to my lips.
“I think they’ll forgive us.”