46
I can’t seem to breathe around the knot in my throat. “What do you mean, there is no we ?” I ask.
In the stillness, his voice comes low and rough, like it costs him something to say the words.
“I’d sooner die than let him hurt you. The irony is, he doesn’t want me dead, because then he can’t make me suffer.
If we’re together, there’s a real chance you’ll be hurt.
And I can’t...” He swallows hard. “I can’t bear for that to happen. ”
“Does he hurt everyone who’s close to you?” I ask carefully.
Joel shakes his head. “No. That’s the game. I never know who he’ll choose. And that’s what he enjoys.”
It’s hard to fathom a person can be that evil. “When was the last incident?”
“I haven’t had any since I moved to Brown Oaks.”
Hope lights up inside me. “Maybe he’s finally decided to leave you in peace.”
His lips twist. “That would give him a conscience he doesn’t have.”
“Maybe he can’t find you.”
“He always finds me,” Joel says bitterly.
“Okay,” I say slowly. “Then what’s the plan?”
“I’m leaving Brown Oaks.”
It feel like my heart shatters into a thousand pieces. “What about us?”
He doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t have to. His expression says it all. He’s leaving me too .
I breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth, trying to stay calm. I have to ask. “Is leaving what you want?”
“Of course not,” he replies, his voice raw with emotion. “Brown Oaks feels more like home than anywhere I’ve lived. And I’m tired of running. Tired of trying to stay one step ahead.”
I know I have to tread carefully. Joel is mired in logic shaped by his father, and I have to break through that and reach him. “You know, your father may be the one behind bars, but you’ve created a prison for yourself.”
“I’m leaving to protect the people around me,” he answers evenly. “To protect you .”
“But that means he still wins. He’s still controlling your life if you close yourself off and shut everyone out.” I keep my tone gentle. “Don’t let him win. Instead of just surviving, what if you tried living?”
He goes quiet. And then he says, “I almost believe you.”
It’s the almost that breaks me.
The apology is stamped all over his face. “I can’t risk you getting hurt.”
My composure crumples. “But you’re hurting me right now.”
He closes his eyes, as if riding out a wave of pain. “I know. It feels like I’m ripping my own heart in two.”
My voice comes out in a whisper. “You don’t have to go. Why don’t you stay and give us a chance?”
“Because I won’t take chances with the woman I love.”
I search his face. “Okay, so when will the danger be over? When can you return to Brown Oaks?”
He stares past me, his shoulders bowed with exhaustion, defeat etched in the lines on his face. “I don’t know.”
“But that could be...”
“...years,” he finishes.
I flinch in horror. “Joel, no!”
His eyes are filled with anguish. “I’m sorry. As long as he’s alive, everyone I care about is at risk. I want you safe. That’s all I want right now.”
“You want my safety more than my happiness?” I ask, an edge of panic in my tone. This can’t be happening. This can’t be how our story ends.
“You are the brightest thing that’s happened to me. I couldn’t bear it if anything happened to you.”
In this moment, I feel everything. The love we have for one another. The pain of two hearts breaking. The bleakness of a future apart. The impossibility of what stands between us.
I press a hand to my chest to ease the heaviness there. “Why don’t I get a say?”
Confusion flickers across his face. “What?”
“I want a say,” I tell him, my voice rising with determination. “And I say you don’t let him win, Joel Adams. He’s taken enough from you. We fight him. And the best way to fight him is to be happy. Together.”
He’s already shaking his head, but I keep going, trying to get through to him. “I could die tomorrow in a car accident. Would you forbid me from ever driving again? Life comes with risk. Being with you is a risk. I accept that. I choose that.”
Tears press hot behind my eyes. I love this man. I love the fierce outside and the fragile inside. The anger he wrestles and the goodness he doesn’t always believe he possesses. I love all of it.
“If you only had one more sunrise,” I whisper in a last-ditch attempt, “what would you do with it?”
“I’d want to watch it with you,” he says immediately, his voice thick. “I’d watch it with your head on my shoulder, your hand in mine.”
I climb into his lap, frame his face with my hands, and search his eyes. “Then let’s fight for that sunrise,” I plead. “Please choose a future with me.”
A choked, wrecked sound escapes him as he pulls me close, his arms tightening around me. He buries his face in my hair.
“I choose you, Kenzie,” he says hoarsely. “I choose a future with you.”
I close my eyes, my heart lifting, and surrender to being held by the man I love.
Roy Bellings does not get to win anymore.