21
I barely make it a few feet away from the pub before I push myself into the side of the building. I slide down until my ass hits the sidewalk. I’m struggling to get a breath in while also trying too hard. I lean my head between my knees to stop the spinning.
“Danny! God Danny, you scared me. Are you okay?” I don’t look up. I can feel the tears literally jumping off my face. I shake my head violently, nothing seeming in control.
“Danny. Talk to me.” Niall sits down next to me, his shoulder brushing mine. “Or don’t. Whatever you need right now. I can just sit here in silence. Just tell me how I can help.”
We sit there for what feels like an eternity, people passing us on the sidewalk. Eventually I lift my head up and look at Niall. His expression softens a bit.
I finally get my breathing under control, but the tears haven’t stopped. Niall reaches up and swipes my cheek with the cuff of his sweatshirt. I lean my head on his shoulder, willing the tears to stop.
“There are times when I think I’m doing a bit better, like life is returning to normal. And then something random triggers, well, that.”
“A panic attack?”
“Maybe? It just comes out of nowhere, and usually it’s when I’m home and I see a Facebook memory or see an ad for something that reminds me of Michael.”
“It was the song.”
I nod. “Every year I made…would make, Michael a birthday playlist on Spotify. The first thing I’d do on his birthday is send it to him.
One of our favorite bands is X Ambassadors, and every year I always included “Hold You Down” because it was our song.
The song essentially is about the singer and his brother’s connection, and how no matter what life brings they always have each other’s back.
Most people mistake the song to be about a romantic relationship.
But Michael and I knew better, and that’s why it was our song. ”
“That’s really sweet.”
We sit there for a bit, and finally the tears stop. “I’m sorry I ruined the night. Your friends must think I’m a fucking nutcase.”
Niall sighs. “They don’t. And, if they did, I’d tell them to fuck off.
But they had to deal with it a bit here, with me, when I found out Michael died.
They were good about it, and I tried to keep a lot of it from them because they didn’t know him.
They knew of him, from stories and the things I did at the book pub, but not like knew him knew him.
And I knew him nowhere close to how you did, so I can only imagine how hard it’s been on you. ”
“I’m really sorry I wasn’t there for you this summer.”
“Stop,” Niall says, wiping a tear from his eye. “I don’t blame you for anything. You owed me nothing. If you had to deal with me, it would have made it that much worse off for you.”
“Okay,” I say, finally standing up. Thank God Dublin keeps the streets relatively clean. “You can head back in, go back to your friends. I’m gonna call it a night.”
“No way. I am going to run in quick and settle the tab, but I’m walking you home. The guys will understand. Do. Not. Move.”
Niall disappears into the pub, and I immediately feel the loneliness start to creep back in. But, before I get too lost in my own head, Niall reappears in front of me.
Moments later we turn off Dame towards my apartment. It immediately quiets, the bustling main road replaced by the quiet sounds of an alley street.
“I know it’s tough to talk about him. I can see how it pains you every time he’s mentioned. You can always talk to me about how you’re feeling, if you have another episode or just having a down day. I don’t want you feeling like you’re on an island by yourself here.”
“Niall—”
“Or don’t, but I do think you need a healthy outlet. Have you considered talking to a therapist at all?”
“I don’t know. That sounds like a lot.”
“It’s not. I mean, I’ve found my sessions really helpful.”
I stop. “You’ve been seeing a therapist? About Michael?”
Niall gives a sad smile. “No. Well, yes. Kind of? It’s an added element to my sessions. It’s a mix of that, prior dating history, my family. I have a lot of trauma and issues that stem from my family, but that’s not a discussion for now. Or ever.”
“Well, if you need someone you don’t need to pay to talk about your family, the door works both ways.”
We stop outside my apartment building. Now that we’re a bit closer to Temple Bar the hum of noise is coming back in.
“I keep having nightmares about Michael.”
Niall takes that in. “Never a good dream? Always a nightmare?”
I nod. “It’s never quite the same, but elements are consistent. I’m always in the condo. And, in the end, Michael is there. Bloodied. Dying.”
“Jesus.”
“And,” I sniffle, “I think what’s really fucked up is that my brain’s imagining him like this. I wasn’t at the scene. I didn’t see him after the accident. My brain is just stuck in this constant loop of guilting me for not being there for him.”
“Stop,” Niall says sternly. He closes the gap between us. “It’s not your fault what happened. You couldn’t control what that driver did, or where Michael was at that moment.”
“Then why can’t I stop feeling like this.”
Niall leans in and wraps his arms around me. My arms slowly criss cross against his back.
“Do you want me to come up and keep you company for a bit? I don’t mind. But also, completely get it if you need some time alone.”
“Thanks, but I definitely could use some alone time to decompress. How about I bring lunch to the shop tomorrow?”
“If you want,” Niall says.
We stand there in the street, holding onto each other. What seems to be each other’s lighthouse on this island of loneliness.