Chapter 34
Worthless
The sun hesitantly peeks from behind a cloud, but I hardly notice.
I don’t register the hustle and bustle of tourists walking up and down the boardwalk behind me.
As I lean against the railing at the very end of the pier, gazing out over the ocean, I can only think of one thing: I don’t deserve to live.
My phone call with Rhys was the catalyst for an epiphany I’ve seen glimpses of but can now see as clear as day.
Yes, Rhys is being a prick by demanding I leave Connor for him, but I pushed him to do this.
This is all my fault. If I’d just been good enough in the first place, none of this would have happened.
But I’m not good enough, never have been and never will be.
I thought for a few precious moments that I could someday be good enough for Connor.
I would have worked so hard to become the partner he deserved.
I would have come home from work in time to clean the house, make him a meal and freshen up for when he got home.
I would have kept on top of my appearance, never a hair out of place and always wearing matching underwear.
I would have given him children if that was what he wanted, and I would have been the perfect mother.
At least, I would have tried. But I would inevitably fail and let him down. I couldn’t bear to let him down.
I told Rhys that I would go back to him by tomorrow morning, but that won’t solve anything.
We’ll only fall back into our old habit of me being useless and him getting fed up and cheating, only this time, I won’t be able to leave.
I’ll be stuck in a revolving door, able to see the outside world but never quite able to get to it.
Not to mention how Connor will react. Last time I went back to Rhys, Connor backed off because he thought it was what I wanted.
But this time I have no doubt he’ll know something’s up and fight harder for me, only to end up getting into more trouble.
I realise that whether I stay with Connor or leave him, I’m only going to ruin his life.
Children’s laughter draws my attention. It’s coming from the pebble beach to my right.
A couple around my age walk hand in hand across the pebbles while two young children, a girl and a slightly older boy, run towards the water.
They scream when the waves splash against their toes and race back to their parents, laughing the whole way.
The couple catch them when they get close enough and lift them in the air, making the children giggle and squirm.
It’s the kind of picture-perfect family moment that Connor deserves but would never have with me.
Finding the thought too painful, I turn away from the beach and look back down the length of the pier.
On one of the benches facing the sea sits a woman, easily in her eighties.
Her thinning white hair blows in the breeze as she laughs at the seagulls fighting over fish.
Seconds later she’s joined by a man of a similar age, his neatly-ironed short-sleeved shirt tucked into his trousers and a straw trilby balanced on his head.
He’s carrying two dripping ice creams. He sits next to the woman on the bench and hands her an ice cream.
He pulls the flake out of his own and pops it into hers.
She gives him a smile filled with love while he looks at her with adoration.
My chest constricts. Connor should have moments like this with someone he loves and who loves him back.
Someone worthy of his love. But he’ll never move on and find that someone if I’m still around, if I’m still a possibility. Living would be selfish.
My phone buzzes in my pocket. I check the screen and see it’s Connor. I shouldn’t answer it; it’ll make this even harder, but I can’t resist hearing his voice one more time.
“Hi.” I try to speak normally so he doesn’t get suspicious. The last thing I want is for him to worry.
“Hi, baby!”
My heart swells and a lump forms in my throat. Answering the call was a mistake.
“Where are you? I missed you so I ditched Andy early and thought I’d find you and take you for lunch.”
My swollen heart falls into my stomach. I don’t want to be the reason he sacrifices his friendships. It’s the terrifying confirmation I need that I’m doing the right thing. Resolved, I form a quick plan.
“You didn’t need to do that for me,” I say quietly. “I’m on the pier, right at the end.”
“Great, I’m about twenty minutes away. Just stay there and enjoy the sun, I’ll find you.”
There won’t be anything left to find.
I drag in a reluctant breath to steady my voice, desperately trying to keep the tears at bay. “Connor?”
“Yeah, Til?”
My eyes close tight as I fight the urge to confess everything and run to find him. I resist, reminding myself I’m doing the right thing for everyone.
“I love you.” I say it with as much feeling as I can manage without breaking down. I need him to know how much he means to me, and this is my last chance to say it.
“What?”
Did he not hear me, or does he not believe me? How could he not believe me?
“I said ‘I love you’,” I say clearly. I want there to be no misunderstandings about how I feel.
“Baby, I love you too! So much. Couldn’t you have waited twenty minutes to tell me in person so I could kiss you? Because I really want to kiss you now.”
His tone is light-hearted, but I hear the emotion in his voice.
“It couldn’t wait,” I tell him quickly, aware that the longer we talk, the closer he gets, and I need a little more time. “I need you to understand that I love you and all I want is for you to be happy.”
“Okay,” he says, sounding confused. “Is everything alright?”
“I have to go.”
“Tilly, are you okay? You sound upset. Has something happened?” The worry in his voice cracks my already aching heart. I need to end this quickly so he can start moving on.
“I’m fine,” I lie. “I love you.”
“I love you too. I’ll be there as soon as I can, hold on, okay? Just stay on the line…”
With a trembling finger, I hang up. It’s time.
Surprisingly, a sense of calm washes over me as I pack my phone into my cross-body bag and place it on the floor by the rails. Next to it, I put the paper bag carrying the love spoon I bought for Connor. I hope he finds it and sees how much he means to me. Meant to me, I suppose.
Next, I shakily twist my engagement and wedding rings off. When they find my body, I want Connor to know that I was his in the end, not Rhys’s. The little circles of metal plop softly when they hit the surface of the water. It doesn’t take long for them to disappear into the murky depths.
Looking around to make sure no one’s looking, I lift a leg onto the railing.
As I climb onto the other side of the cold metal barrier, I remind myself why I’m doing this.
Without me around, Rhys will lose interest in Connor and leave him alone.
Connor will be able to move on and be truly happy with someone worthy of him.
Everyone in my life will be able to breathe a sigh of relief at not having to feel responsible for me anymore.
You’re worthless and you deserve to die.
I lean forwards so I’m hanging on by my fingertips, the sound of children’s laughter floating on the breeze.
I look down at the murky water and watch the jellyfish dance around each other.
You should be proud of yourself. You’re finally taking responsibility. This is the right thing.
With a final shaky breath of sea air, I slip my fingers from the rail and allow myself to fall.