Chapter 40
A stupid walk for my stupid
mental health
“Can’t I just curl up with my book today?” I beg.
Connor chuckles to himself and continues tying his shoelaces. He doesn’t bother responding to me; I’ve spent the whole morning trying to persuade him to let me stay at home, to no avail.
I glance out of the window. “It looks like rain to me. Probably best to stay in.”
Connor smirks. “The sky is clear, Til.”
Damn. Time to pull out the big guns.
“What if we stayed home and got naked?”
Connor groans and lets himself fall back on the couch. Hope spreads in my chest when I see his torn expression, but it’s short-lived.
“You’re playing dirty now,” he grumbles. “But we’re going. We can get naked later.”
Defeated, I bend down to tie the laces on my own trainers. “You know, the doctor said light exercise would be good for my mood. She didn’t say anything about hiking!”
“It’s an easy route, Til. Being outside and getting some exercise were both part of the plan you agreed with Dr Hart, remember? Ultimately, it’s up to you, I just want the best for you.”
How can I argue with that?
“Fine,” I reluctantly agree. “I’ll go on a stupid walk for my stupid mental health.”
Connor laughs. “That’s the spirit!”
Connor convinced me to call my GP for support two weeks ago, despite my reservations.
I was finally able to admit that I needed help, but I was, and still am, adamant that medication is not the route I want to take.
I know countless people take pills as part of their treatment, and it works for them, but I want to try healing myself naturally first. Luckily, my doctor was very understanding and respected my wishes, but she made it clear that I might not be able to avoid medication forever.
I was glad I’d taken Connor to the appointment with me.
Once words like ‘depression’ and ‘anxiety’ started to be thrown around, everything became a little too real, and talking about my darkest thoughts was beyond difficult.
But Connor sat beside me, his arm a comforting weight on my shoulder, and let me speak.
He never interrupted or answered for me like Rhys would have.
He was simply there, and it made me even more determined to get well for him, because he deserves to have a normal relationship with someone who can make him happy.
Together, Dr Hart, Connor and I came up with a plan to help get me back on track.
I’m going to start eating well, for starters.
Not to lose weight, but to feel healthy and strong.
I’m going to get my daily dose of vitamin D and up my activity levels to give me more energy and boost my endorphins, whatever those are.
I also promised to try breathing exercises and mindfulness, but I don’t hold out much hope in that department.
Dr Hart also recommended I find a therapist to work on the root of my issues and made me promise to seek help if I had life-ending thoughts again.
By the end of the appointment, I had a solid plan laid out for me, and I was keen to make a start.
Until Connor mentioned hiking. I loathe hiking. But he’s trying to help me, and it would tick off ‘exercise’ and ‘vitamin D’ from today’s to-do list, so I grab my backpack and follow Connor to his car with no more grumbles.
I’m pleasantly surprised by the hike, despite being out of breath for most of it.
The fresh air really helps to clear my head, and the views of the Welsh landscape ground me.
At one point, we stop near a stream, where the wind whips against my face, and the sky stretches out like a promise.
For once, my mind is quiet. I don’t even realise I’m smiling until Connor points it out.
During the walk, Connor slows his usual fast pace to one I can keep up with, taking into consideration my much shorter legs and total lack of fitness. It’s this lack of fitness that has me making a statement over our picnic lunch that surprises us both.
“I think I want to go back to the gym.”
Connor stops chewing his sandwich and stares at me for a second. He swallows, and nods supportively. “Okay. What brought that on?”
“Well, a lot of my bad thoughts are linked to how I feel about myself, so I want to stop punishing myself and start building something better. But properly this time,” I add, seeing the look of concern on Connor’s face.
“No crazy diets, no running myself ragged on the treadmill, just getting fitter. Stronger. Getting to a place mentally and physically where I can look at myself and like what I see.”
Connor puts the rest of his sandwich back in the plastic container he’s packed and shuffles closer to me. Putting his arm around my waist, he pulls me close and kisses the top of my head.
“I want you to love yourself as much as I love you, Tilly. So, if you think this is going to help, then I’m with you, one hundred per cent. But I think you should get some help with it to keep you on track.”
“Like a trainer?” I ask. Flashbacks of Rhys’s gruelling regime come to mind, and my chest starts to tighten.
“Yeah, a trainer, but a proper one. One who knows what they’re talking about, this time.” Connor’s voice is tinged with residual anger, despite having dealt with Rhys while I was in the hospital, making sure he would never bother us again.
During one of my restless naps in the hospital bed, Connor had used my phone to call Rhys and let him know he knew about the steroids he had been using and supplying illegally to his clients.
I don’t know how he found out about it, when even I didn’t know, but I haven’t asked.
I don’t want to know. I’d like to say I was surprised, but all the signs were there when I think back.
Connor threatened to go to the police himself if Rhys ever contacted me again, and it worked, so that’s good enough for me.
My only experience with personal trainers was Rhys, and that didn’t turn out brilliantly, so I’m a bit wary of Connor’s suggestion. On the other hand, going it alone will only result in me falling back into old habits, and the cycle will start all over again.
“Okay. I’ll look into some. But I want a woman this time.”
Connor nods. “Understandable. I’m so proud of you, Til.”
He hugs me tighter and I snuggle into him, despite the glorious sunshine warming my skin.
“I’m proud of me too.”
And I think, for the first time in a long time, I kind of mean it.