Chapter 43
You make me feel safe
“Okay.” My voice is shaky, but it doesn’t matter.
Connor doesn’t give me chance to speak before his lips crash down to mine. In the time we’ve been together, Connor and I have shared many types of kisses. Sweet kisses, loving kisses, hot kisses and everything in between. But we’ve never shared a kiss so desperate and wanton before.
Connor’s tongue invades my mouth while his hands hold me firmly, one in my hair at the back of my neck and one on my lower back, pulling me closer to him as if he’s scared I’ll run if he lets go.
But I want this as much as he does. We need closure.
So, for once, I take control and show him how much he means to me.
Fisting my hands in his T-shirt, I lead him backwards until his back meets the counter. Connor’s lips leave mine as he trails kisses across my jaw and down my neck. While he’s distracted, doing what feels suspiciously like giving me a hickey, I reach for his belt.
“Are you marking me?” I ask breathlessly, fumbling with his buckle.
“Yes.” His answer is unashamed. “I accept that I can’t have you after tonight, but I want everyone to know that they can’t have you either.”
My breath hitches at his possessive words, and I work faster to unzip his jeans.
“It’s just a shame it’s not more permanent,” he says. “How would you feel about getting a tattoo?”
“Seems a little extreme,” I joke, assuming he’s joking too. “What would you want me to get? ‘Property of Connor Wilson’ across my stomach with an arrow pointing down?”
Beneath my palm, I feel him twitch at my words, and a sound very much like a growl comes from his chest.
“Fuck, now that you mention it—”
I finally manage to open his jeans, and slide my hand into his boxers. We both moan when I grip his shaft and slowly pump him up and down.
“Shit,” he hisses when I run my thumb along the head. His eyes widen slightly when I pull away from his mouth and start lowering myself to my knees. “Tilly, wait,” he protests, but it’s half-hearted. “This was supposed to be about you, not me.”
“Why can’t it be about both of us?” I lower his jeans and boxers so they pool around his ankles.
“I don’t know. I’m too turned on to think. What was your question?”
I don’t answer. Instead, I take him in my hand and lick him from base to tip.
Connor throws his head back and grips the edge of the counter so tightly his knuckles turn white.
He’s trying to keep control. But I don’t want him to be controlled.
If this is the last night I have with him, I want him to be raw. Feral.
I lean forward and open my mouth. Sliding my lips down his length, I take him as far as I can, then reach out to take his hands.
One at a time, I move them from the counter and place them on the back of my head, then start bobbing up and down.
His fingers curl into my hair, almost painfully, scratching my scalp.
I moan when he starts guiding me slightly faster, slightly deeper, and I do my best to keep up.
“Fuck, Til,” he groans. He pulls my head away from him and I gratefully give my jaw a second’s reprieve while I catch my breath. “If you keep going like that I’m not going to last. And there’s no way we’re ending tonight without me being inside you.”
I rub my thighs together as I kneel, desperate for some friction to ease the ache that’s been forming since he first kissed me. Of course, Connor notices.
“What’s wrong, baby?” he asks, smirking knowingly. “Are you uncomfortable? Do you need a release?”
I nod and reach out my tongue to flick the head of his cock teasingly. In response, Connor roughly pushes my head back down so far, I feel him at the back of my throat. I never liked doing this with Rhys, but with Connor I can’t get enough.
“Touch yourself,” Connor grunts. “Let me see how wet you are.”
Soaked is the answer, but I can’t tell him that with my mouth full.
Instead, I slip my hand past the waistband of my leggings and into my thong.
My fingers immediately find my entrance, and I use two of them to gather up the moisture.
I pull them back out of my pants and hold them up for Connor to see.
“Oh my God.” Connor’s reaction is almost reverent as he looks at my glistening fingers. “You enjoying this, Tilly? You like being on your knees for me?”
My reply is garbled, but his smile tells me he gets my gist.
Yes, I’m enjoying this.
I get back to work licking and sucking him while my hand travels back to my entrance and starts circling my clit. I moan at the sensation and look up at Connor as he starts to thrust his hips in time with me.
“So fucking perfect,” he says. “You’re mine, Tilly. No matter what, you’ll always be mine.”
His words bring me closer to the edge, and it doesn’t take long before I come hard.
Connor pulls out of my mouth as I ride out my orgasm, stroking my hair and gazing lovingly into my eyes.
Breathless, I let him help me to my feet.
He notices my legs shaking from the strength of my orgasm and unapologetically lifts me by my thighs.
I don’t protest this time. I just wrap my legs around him and enjoy being close to him, nuzzling my face into his neck.
I inhale as he starts to walk towards the stairs, taking in that comforting scent I’m going to miss so much.
I try to stop it, but a tear escapes and I sniffle quietly, not wanting to ruin the moment.
But it’s pointless trying to hide anything from Connor.
“You okay?” He sounds just as miserable as I am.
My eyes are closed tight, but I feel him start to climb the stairs towards his room.
“No,” I answer honestly. “But I’m glad we at least have tonight.”
Connor responds by squeezing me tighter.
“This isn’t our last night together.” He sounds so confident I almost believe him. “It’s our last one for a while, but not forever. One day we’ll find our way back to each other, I know it. I’ve waited all my life for you, I can wait a little bit longer.”
I wish I could share his certainty, but I know deep down that this is the last time for us. Soon, Connor will find someone else and move on, forgetting all about me. My tears pick up speed, and by the time I feel myself being lowered onto Connor’s bed, I’m full-on sobbing.
“Tilly, it’s okay,” Connor says soothingly.
He climbs over me, bracing his arms on either side of my head.
“It sucks now. It does. And the next few weeks and months are going to be torture. But it’s a short-term pain that we have to endure so we can spend the rest of our lives together in peace.
This is the incentive you need to heal yourself so you can come back to me. Can you do that?”
I nod. “Yes.”
Once again, Connor kisses me, more softly this time. I feel him channelling all his love through the kiss, with every pass of his lips and every swipe of his tongue. This isn’t the frantic giving and taking from before. This is a tender caress. This is goodbye.
Connor makes quick work of removing our clothes, and I don’t even try to hide away from him.
I refuse to be shy in front of him now, I just want to enjoy the moment.
Our hands explore every part of each other, memorising each ridge and curve.
Connor moves away from me for just seconds to reach for one of the foil packets from his nightstand, then his comforting weight is back on me.
I snake my arms around his neck and wrap my legs around his hips as he enters me, pulling him closer with every thrust. Connor kisses me continuously, stopping only to tell me how much he loves me and how he’ll wait for me, however long it takes.
We come together, breathless and sweating, but can’t bear to part yet.
Because that would mean it’s nearly time for me to leave. It would be too real.
So we lie together silently, just holding each other while the clock on Connor’s wall ticks down the seconds until we go our separate ways.
Eventually, Connor goes to the bathroom to clean up, then I take my turn, neither of us speaking or even looking directly at the other for fear of it hurting too much.
Ignoring the excruciating throbbing in my chest, I pull on Connor’s T-shirt and climb into bed next to him, where he instantly pulls me to his chest and envelops me in his strong arms. Seizing the last opportunity I have, I run my nose across his throat and breathe him in.
“I’m going to miss your smell.” My voice cracks with my admission.
“Yeah?” Connor asks, his own voice giving away his emotion.
“Yeah. It’s my favourite smell. There’s something calming about it, it makes me feel safe. You make me feel safe.”
Connor doesn’t respond, but I know it’s because he’s fighting back the tears as much as I am. Steeling myself, I continue, knowing full well I won’t have it in me to tell him how I feel when the morning comes.
“You’re the kindest, most selfless person I’ve known.
You’re thoughtful and sweet, and absolutely the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
I’m so grateful for having you in my life, even if it was only for a short while.
You deserve to be happy, Connor. I want you to be happy. Even if it’s not with me.”
“Tilly…”
I don’t want to say this. I want to change my mind, tell him everything will be okay. But I’ve already stolen enough from him. So I say the words I know will break me, because he deserves to hear them.
“No, listen, please.” I lean up to rest on my elbow so we’re eye-to-eye.
“I’m under no illusions that you’re too good for me, and it won’t take long once I’m gone for women to start lining up for a chance with you.
And if it turns out that you could be happy with one of them, then I want you to go for it.
I can’t stand the thought of you putting your life on hold for me. ”
I wipe a tear from Connor’s cheek and kiss him softly.
“Thank you for loving me when I couldn’t.” I rest my head on his chest to listen to his heart beating, one last time.
He tries to smile, but his chin trembles. His arms tighten around me like he’s afraid I’ll disappear before morning.
“You don’t have to thank me for loving you, Tilly. I should thank you for letting me love you. And I’m going to keep loving you, even after you’re gone. Even when I’m sleeping alone and making meals for one for months, it will be worth it. Because you’re it for me, Matilda Simmons. Always.”