Chapter 35
THERE ISN'T MUCH TO UNPACK since we stayed only two nights in Marcana.
Dinner was quiet much to my dismay since I wanted to listen to Mom and Dad talk.
I wanted them to tell me about their day at work or just listen to them talk about anything no matter how trivial.
I needed the distraction, a chance to once again not think about my own pathetic predicament or the conversation between me and Sky.
I wanted to not think about that shattered, heartbroken look on his face when I told him I decided that he has to be the one to go.
I wanted to forget about all of it. The entire evening. Between severing my life-long friendship with my best friend to breaking the heart of the only person I've ever loved to the point of pain – again – I didn't want to think about anything.
When dinner was had and Mom and Dad started cleaning up, telling me I should go freshen up since they've got it handled, I didn't hesitate to slip away.
I showered, slipped into a clean pajamas and slipped into my room but the second I do, every whispered word between me and Sky, the memory of how his hands felt on my waist, his lips against my ear, and the heat of his body warming me so completely when all he's done is hold me and wrap himself around me, returns to sucker punch me in the gut.
The copy of Lord of the Flies that he gave me from his own collection sits on the bedside table, a torn piece of paper sticking out from the top marking the page I stopped on.
When the rains during that weekend finally stopped, he caught me in the car before I could drive off and slipped me the book.
He told me that since I didn't get a chance to finish it, I could keep it for as long as I want.
It feels like so long ago since that weekend happened. I think that's when things between us truly started to change because rained in and forced to weather out the storm together, we got a chance to see different sides of each other.
Sky Daniels is so much more than who he wants people to see, who he wants us to believe he is. So much have changed since then. We became friends and maybe a little bit more. I discovered, much to my horror, that I'm still capable of falling in love no matter how terrible a time it came at.
Our conversation outside the gymnasium is still a fresh, bleeding wound. I can't forget the sound of his voice when he called me Baby, that distressed tone that still carried hope that I wouldn't push him away. I can't forget his words.
Then hurt me. Hurt me as much as you have to because you don't have to face it alone.
I don't have to face it alone. I know that and I know it's something Sky would definitely say.
He's selfless like that, devoted and caring to the people who matter to him.
I never thought I could be one of those people but now that I am, I can't stand the thought of being the reason for his pain and heartbreak.
I push him away not because I'm afraid of how he might react – though it is partially a reason – but because I will hate it if he cries because of me. I would never forgive myself when he finds out I'm dying and what we have, what we could be, won't last.
That we're not meant to be.
I'm not sure when I started to feel this way about him.
All I know is that I love him and too much to put him through that kind of pain where he'll have no choice but to watch me wither away, unable to do a damn thing.
I'm not selfish enough to ask him to love me back, to stay with me, when he has to face the music alone when I'm no longer here.
Sitting on the edge of my bed, I grab the book and start thumbing through it when my phone suddenly rings.
It's loud – piercing – in the pulsing silence of my room.
I can't think of anyone who would call me at this late hour except for one person and the thought of it alone sends my heart pounding in anticipation, in hurt, and confusion.
Fishing my phone from the other side of the bed, Sky's name flashes across the screen sending me into panic mode.
I can't think of one proper reason why he'll call considering our last conversation.
Since he left me at the gymnasium, I've thought of a million things to say to him, most of which ends with me a blubbering mess of tears and apologies.
He's stressing me out more than my illness because on one hand, I'm pushing him away to protect him but on the other, I want him. I want to know what it'll be like to be his, to be with him, cared for and loved by someone like Sky Daniels.
Answering the call, I press the phone to my ear, listening. The quiet sound of his soft breathing comes through and then, "Jace?"
My name is a whispered prayer on his lips, reaching down inside of me and ripping at that part that's trying desperately to hold everything together.
"Sky." Where actions and words have failed me so horribly, the sound of his name on my tongue manages to say all that I'm feeling. The regret over pushing him away, and exactly how much I long for him.
There's a long beat of nothing that stretches between us, tension growing stronger as I wait for him to say something because I know this isn't easy for him.
I can tell he's struggling with what to say and I'm not making it easier by saying nothing.
I also know that, unintentionally, I've managed to throw him completely off balance with just his name.
"Fuck. This was a mistake. I shouldn't have called."
"No, wait," I rush. "Don't hang up." There's another pause, this one longer than the last and I begin to think he's hung up. "Sky? Are you there?"
A deep breath and then, "Yeah. I'm still here."
"Why'd you call anyway?"
"Are you angry that I did?"
His question makes me laugh because he has no idea how incapable I am at staying mad at him for too long. "No. I never was. So?"
"I wanted to make sure you and your parents got home all right.
" His voice is soothing, rich and deep, and I could listen to him talk all night.
His concern is genuine and once again, I'm mentally cursing myself for why life has to be this way, and why I couldn't be extremely selfish just once and indulge in a little insanity.
Live to enjoy today. Deal with the aftermath of bad decisions tomorrow.
"We did. Why? Did something happen?"
"Not really. But I did ask Carter's dad to station a patrol car on your street for the next few days. Just in case."
"Is that the only reason you called?"
Please god! Please, let there be another reason. Give me a reason to dive head-first into insanity.
The silence stretches and then it's interrupted by a breathy laugh from his end of the line. "What the fuck are we really doing, baby? You're right, that's not the only reason I called. I...I wanted to hear your voice."
Fuck me! The words leave my mouth before logic kicks in.
"I want to see you. Come to me."