Chapter 16 #2
My heart thumps in my chest, watching her plead her case like she’s on trial and about to be found guilty.
I can’t do this to her. She braved the world and brought my baby into it.
She took care of him. He’s healthy and happy.
Could I ask for more than just wanting to be a part of his life? That alone would be fucking amazing.
I say, “I believe you.” She sits up, those gathered tears falling. “It must have been difficult to go through alone.”
Her mouth opens but then closes again as she stares at me in disbelief. “You believe me?”
“I’m not happy that I missed so much of his life.
All of it until now, but I have no reason to believe you’d lie to me when you didn’t have to tell me at all.
” I look at the time and realize the lack of real sleep is catching up with me.
“I don’t think this conversation can be constructive at this hour.
There are a lot of details to go over and we’re not in the right frame of mind to do the work we need to.
” I glance back at her, and add, “Biggest regret of my life is agreeing to no strings that night.”
“More than strings attached.” A halfhearted smile arises on her face. “Sorry. Too soon?” Her smile has lost its shine in the tension we’re caught in. This night’s been hard on both of us. “Honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way. He’s the best thing to ever happen in my life.”
I hear the raw emotion in her voice and look over at her. She’s more beautiful than I’ve ever seen her. With her walls lowered, she sits in her vulnerability.
She wears her heart like an accessory on her sleeve instead of a shield over her chest. Beyond her sharing the truth, she’s letting me in to see the real her. The beauty of her heart and her strength in telling me are the reasons I trust her.
No matter how reactionary I’ve been, I owe her a debt of gratitude. “Thank you. Thank you for choosing to raise my son, thinking you’d be alone in that role.”
“Our son,” she says without anger or bitterness. She’s not wrong.
“Our son. Thank you for taking care of him, for loving him with your whole heart, but most of all, for protecting him because you’ve done a hell of a job.”
Though her chin is raised, a tear falls on the far side of her face. “I didn’t do it—”
“You didn’t do it for me. I know. You did it in spite of my absence, though. And that’s okay. He’s here.” I release her and stand, my focus on the bedroom where he sleeps. “He’s here because of you.” When she stands, I grasp her by the shoulders. “But you don’t have to do it alone anymore.”
Walking around the couch, I pace from the living room to the kitchen and back again, looping around.
I’m able to start processing the reality of the situation.
“I’m a dad.” As much as that scares the shit out of me, I’m grinning like a fool.
“Look, Liv. I don’t want to upset you, but I don’t want to be upset either.
This is good news. I have a son.” Throwing my hand out toward his room, I say, “I know things will be a fucking mess until we figure things out, but tonight, I just won the fucking lottery. I have a son.”
I’m usually so good at keeping my emotions in check, but this is big, biggest thing to ever happen to me, and I just want to celebrate. “I have a son. Maxwell Noah. Damn, it’s so good, Liv.”
“What?” Her concern brings her attention back to me, her eyes wide like saucers. “What is it?”
“His name.” I can’t be trapped in by shades that hide the view.
I understand why she likes the privacy, but I roll one up to feel less closed in.
I stare at the city, a cluster of buildings across from us with only a few lights dotting the windows at this hour.
The sun will rise in the next few hours, but I start to wonder if it will reach us here. “You put Noah in there. For me.”
“It’s all I knew of his father that I could give him.”
I return to her, standing just a foot between us.
It’s so tempting to hold her, but I’m having a hard time telling where we stand.
It’s not together. Not yet at least. And I’m not sure I can give her the reassurance she needs regarding custody.
That’s obviously her fear—that I’ll take him away from her. It’s natural to feel that way.
I won’t, but I can’t lie and tell her I don’t want to be in his life. I do. Very much. But that will be part of a bigger conversation, a different mountain to climb on another day. “I always imagined being a part of naming my kid.”
“I’m sorry.”
“No, don’t apologize. He has a great name.” An image of my family flashes through my head. How am I going to break this to my family? Telling them is something I can’t take lightly. “My family has this weird tradition with names.”
“What is it?” she asks with the tears dried and the streaks fading. I appreciate her efforts. Without them, I wouldn’t be here.
“We all have water names.”
“Water names? What does that mean?”
Trust takes time, especially when it’s ripped out from under you.
I know she has trust issues, and so much more makes sense now, but I still sit, hoping she’ll sit next to me.
“They’re bodies of water, or conversely, water-related.
My parents’ names are Delta and Port. When they were deciding on names, they got this crazy idea to continue with each of their names.
Loch is the oldest. Harbor is the second born.
I was a surprise, so they didn’t have time to do more research and didn’t love a lot of the other options. ”
She sits beside me, only a few inches left between us. “Noah. Noah’s Ark.”
I grin not only because she’s joining the conversation, but because she’s open to the exchange at all. She doesn’t have to be. Trust. It only takes a seed planted to watch it grow. “Yep, that’s who I was named after.”
“Can I tell you a secret?”
“Did you have twins? Ow—” I’m whacked on the arm but still chuckle. “Bad joke?”
She starts to laugh, and when she smiles, it brightens the room. Maybe I’m imagining that, but I feel the warmth shining on me. “No twins, but Noah has always been one of my favorite names.”
“Oh yeah?” Working through our past and future, we’ll get there, but the reprieve is nice to have in the meantime.
She leans back, resting her head on the cushion. With her eyes redirected to the ceiling, she nods, but then she turns her gaze back on me, and asks, “I remember you telling me your sister’s name is Marina. That’s a lot of water names.”
“It sure is.”
“So that’s a tradition you wanted to carry on?”
Shrugging, I then lie back next to her. “It’s not something I was married to.”
“But you would if you could?”
Rolling my head to face her, I reply, “Sure, but maybe less obvious. He has my name. There’s not much more I can ask for.” I reach out, stopping just shy of touching her leg to rest my hand between us. “I’m more than good.”
“He has more than that.”
She’s grinning like she has another secret. I’m not sure if I should be curious or scared of what’s coming next. “What do you mean?”
“Maxwell.” Liv sits up, angling her knees toward me.
When she slides her hand into mine and our fingers fold together, it feels a lot like we’re making a new agreement.
The details to be defined at a later date, I’m sure.
“The name Maxwell wasn’t just something I liked.
I loved the meaning behind it. Strength and courage, which I knew my little guy would need in this world. ”
“I like that. Those are admirable traits to possess.” I sit up and bring our hands to my mouth.
Holding the back of her hand to my mouth, I kiss once and then again.
“He has a good role model in you.” She lifts enough to shift onto my lap.
I bring her closer and hold her by the hips.
“A lot is coming at us all at once, Liv. Together, we will weather it better than we can alone. Whatever happens, I can promise you that you don’t need to be afraid of me hurting you or Maxwell. I only want what’s best.”
“I don’t know that’s a promise you can keep, Noah. Once you consult a lawyer—”
“I have no intention of contacting a lawyer. We can settle this between the two of us.”
With her arms around me, she rests her head against the top of mine.
“Thank you,” she whispers in a staggered breath.
Lifting, she caresses my face, then stares into my eyes.
I can see the questions and feel her unease right now.
We can’t know what the future holds. Tears fill her eyes again when she stares into mine.
The only way I know to calm this storm is to assure her that I’m not going anywhere.
I lean in and kiss her, promising her everything I can at this moment.
“Great stream,” she says. “That’s what Maxwell means.” I pull back, allowing what she just said to sink in. “I wasn’t sure why I loved that part so much. It just spoke to me, but now I know. It was meant to be.”
Under her kiss and living in those two words, my life just changed forever. “Great stream,” I say. My son. Maxwell Noah.