Chapter 20 #2
I have people I can talk to, but I already know what they’ll say.
From my parents to my sister to my brothers, it won’t be about right or wrong.
They don’t lay guilt on without a reason.
They’d tell me to forget about what others think and follow our hearts.
All that matters is what Liv and I decide is best for Max and for us.
I sip the espresso, wanting to feel normal, to feel like any part of my old self again.
I’m still free to do as I please when I want to.
I can date . . . I’m not an angel, but I never claimed to be.
My sex life came to a grinding halt after that night in the Hamptons because I was hung up on her.
It took time to get back on that horse, but I have a contact list full of names I can call any day or night.
None of that’s appealing anymore.
The truth rears its head. My thoughts are no longer jumbled. Rubbing my temple, I’ve come to terms with the fact that my life will never be how it was before last night. The thing is, I’m not interested in merging two lives. The only thing I want is to be a family with them.
A text from Liv brightens my idle phone.
Be there shortly.
I pick it up but don’t reply yet. Looking out the window, I notice the gray of the skyscrapers, the black exhaust from a passing cab, and the dirt on the streets, and I know things didn’t play out how they were supposed to.
In an ideal world, I would have been there to celebrate the pregnancy, Maxwell’s birth, his first birthday, and his life. But I didn’t get that chance.
It doesn’t matter what happened, though, because I can’t get that time back, no matter how much I wish for it. What matters moving forward is how I can stay in their lives without turning this into a legal spectacle. She doesn’t want that either, so at least we’re on the same page.
I scrub my forehead while staring at the screen.
It’s been a good morning. I don’t want to ruin the rest of the day.
I have a lot to figure out and need to know how long I’ll be forced to keep her secrets.
I want to tell my family. I want to tell the world about us.
My feelings are set, but I don’t know where Liv stands regarding us and the idea of being a family.
A knock on the glass has me jumping in my seat. “Fuck me.” I’m hit with a glare. Eyeing the woman at the next table, I say, “Sorry.”
Turning back to them, Liv’s waving Max’s hand, and they’re both laughing.
God, if only I could see this every day, I’d keep her secrets forever.
Standing, I point at the door and say, “I’ll come outside.
” Even though I know she can’t hear me, I down my drink and set the cup on the counter on my way out.
“Hey,” she says, so happy to see me that she’s beaming. “Cassandra is doing well, and her parents are staying at her place to take care of her dog.”
“That’s good news.”
“Yeah, it is.” Her eyes dip to the bag. “What’s that?”
I thought I’d give this to her later but now seems like a good time. “I got you something.”
“You did?” Her shoulders round as her expression softens.
“I did.” Should I be this proud of a lobster? I’m probably setting her up for disappointment if she’s going off my grin that matches hers. Guess we’ll see.
I give her the present, and I take Max, both of us winning in the exchange. “Hi, Max.”
Max reaches for the brightly colored paper and white bow. “Don’t worry, bud, I have goodies for you too.”
Liv pulls the bow off and says, “I never really liked surprises, but I have to admit I’m excited about this one.
” Her sing-song voice has Max mesmerized.
She tickles his tummy, receiving the biggest giggle in return.
“Are you happy to see Dad—” Her eyes dart to mine as if she’s done something wrong and is afraid of the repercussions.
We still, but I’m not sure why. “It’s okay.”
She turns back to Max. “Are you happy to see Daddy?”
Reaching out for me, Max says, “Dada.” Most amazing kid ever.
“He’s the smartest kid ever.” My eyes return to Liv. “Am I allowed to say that?”
The question has her doing a double take. She laughs. “Of course. He’s yours.”
Mine.
He’s mine.
I’m his daddy.
God, it strikes me every time. I’m a lucky fucking bastard.
I hold him to my chest as his fingers run mindlessly along my prickly chin. His eyes look into mine, and I tell him, “You’re so smart, Max.”
The paper is ripped, but Liv stops to stare at us. “He was born with deep blue eyes. Around seven or eight months, though, they started changing. I always thought they resembled mine, but seeing you two together, it’s obvious where he gets the coloring from.”
I hadn’t said anything to her, not shared my concerns regarding the sudden change in my life, in her life as well. But somehow, she knew. She knew that I needed to hear I’m a part of something bigger than myself, making me realize that it’s not just the two of them. It’s the three of us.
Max and I look at each other again and grin. She says, “Like father, like son.”
Like father, like son.
That hits deep, causing my heart to swell.
I have so many questions that need an answer and so many details to figure out, but right now, holding my son and spending time with Liv, I realize there’s no rush. We’re good as is, and it will only get better.
“You got me a lobster?” She sets the paper down in the stroller and holds the stuffed animal to her chest. “It’s really cute.”
“I wanted something to remember when we met. A lobster was the closest thing I could find that reminded me of the Hamptons.”
“Well, we do have Max.” She laughs. I do when I realize yep, we have this memory for the rest of our lives. “But I love this lobster. I love it because you thought of me when you saw it.” She leans up and kisses me. Max grabs the lobster, but she’s okay sharing. “Seems we both love it.”
“I’m glad.”
Taking hold of the stroller, she asks, “Are you ready?”
I lean over and give her another kiss. Just because I want to.
Her eyebrow arches as she licks the corner of her lips. “What was that for?”
“For him. For you. For us.” I signal toward the corner. “I’m ready.”