Chapter 11 Cold heart
Cold heart.
“The first months after the Rise were a blur. We were all functioning on very little sleep and fear-induced energy. We were all soft and weak back then, barely born into survivors. Every loss broke us into a million pieces, and the ones who didn’t pick themselves up fast enough from the ground didn’t make it to see another day.
Hope was a poison. We still expected life to go back to normal, for humanity to find a solution and fight back.
It all became easier when I understood that this was our new normal, and I just had to roll with it.
Turns out I’m really good at this surviving gig. ”
ALASTAIR
Stellan walks away, a hand rubbing the back of his neck, and my eyes linger on him until he disappears inside the RV. I smile to myself and dive into the deeper part of the river, where the water is dark and cold as death. It’s not the abyss, but it’s as close as it gets inland, and it calls to me.
I sit at the bottom of the river for a while, gripping the rocks as the icy current pulls at my hair and body. I can hold my breath for quite some time, courtesy of my mutations.
I let my mind wander. Perri’s fine, and we’ll be reunited soon. I didn’t realize how worried I’d been until the news of his safety unraveled something in me, like a knot suddenly giving way and freeing my heart and internal organs from the pressure.
I’ve come to care for him, more than as a subject. Perri is a good fuck, undeniably, but he also wormed his way like sunlight through the dark waters of my cold heart. The last time I let that happen, I was betrayed. I swore not to fall for it again, and yet here I am, letting it happen once more.
I push to the surface, reaching for the warmth of the morning sun on my face.
Jude is sitting on a rock by the river, alone.
“You stayed a long time down there. Anything interesting?” he says.
“Peace and quiet. Come check it out. I’ll hold you down.”
Jude smiles, undeterred by my veiled threat. “I’m good. Thank you.”
He’s as handsome as ever, his red hair catching the light and his green eyes twinkling with mischief. But his charm doesn’t work on me anymore—that ship has sailed and sunk.
“What do you want?” I ask.
If he thinks catching me naked in a river will stop me from attacking him if I really wanted to, he’s sorely mistaken. Lucky for him, something gave in the past days, and my resentment is fading like blood in water.
“I’m here to apologize,” he says, surprising me.
I frown, standing up on a rock. He manages to keep his eyes off my cock, and that’s quite a feat considering I’m facing him and doing it on purpose, hands on my hips. He’s the one who’s interrupting my washing time in the river, he can bear the consequences.
“Are you really now?”
“I realized I’ve been an asshole—is anyone surprised by that, really?” He chuckles. “So, I apologize for stealing from you and running away in the dead of night. Then all the other things too.” He waves a hand dismissively. “It wasn’t you. It was me. I freaked out.”
Why does it sound like a belated breakup talk, almost two years overdue?
“You’re only saying this to avoid trouble,” I say.
“Perri is making me, alright? He likes you, and he wants us to let bygones be bygones. He’s worried we might kill each other, and he scolded me over the radio for half an hour. So can you please accept my apology and go back to pretending like I don’t exist? I’m sorry, alright?”
I stare at him for a time, hoping to make him squirm. Of course, it doesn’t work. Jude was never cowed, by me or anyone. “Very well. For Perri and Stellan. Now run back to your monster. I’ve seen enough of you.”
He grins. “And I’ve seen enough of your cock. Put that thing away before you poke someone’s eye out.”
I hold back a laugh, barely, and dive back into the freezing water as Jude walks away.
An hour later, Stellan joins me in the truck after saying his goodbyes. He looks refreshed and relaxed, so different from how he acts around me. I hope that when we get Perri back, he’ll work as a buffer between us, and I’ll get to see more of Stellan’s personality.
“Ready?” I say, breathing him in. He smells of soap and toothpaste—gone is the aftertaste of anxiety in the air.
“Yes.” He opens a large map on his lap. “I’ll give you directions to find Interstate 5.”
Last night, we agreed to take the famous highway following the West Coast to reach the rendezvous point with the Beetle.
Big roads are dangerous, as they drastically increase your chances of crossing paths with other survivors, but we don’t have days to spare journeying through the wastelands.
Conveniently, the highway goes all the way up to Seattle, our final destination.
Perri wants to rescue his AI friend, so of course Stellan is going with him.
Which means I’m going for both of them.
I can’t say that I care about Vex, but it seems that nothing will change their minds. And I’m not letting them out of my sight.
Half an hour later, we reach the wooden bridge built over the fallen giant tree, and I put my foot down on the pedal to facilitate the climb. Stellan hangs on the dashboard for dear life. I can feel his eyes on me.
“What?” I ask.
“Be careful with my truck.”
I chuckle. “Your truck? Last time I checked, it was mine.”
“Yes. But I’ve worked on it long enough for it to become my creation, too. Be careful.”
I shove his shoulder with my right hand playfully, and he makes a quiet gasp.
Is it the first time we touch? Probably.
As soon as we’re safely back on land, I glance at him. A frown is pulling at his blonde eyebrows, and he’s staring at the dirt road ahead, shoulders tense.
Interesting.
We drive for a while in silence. The sun filters through the giant trees, already warm enough that I miss the river’s cold.
I could never really learn to love the heat in the wastelands.
I might have been the only survivor who enjoyed the cold winters we experienced so rarely over the past decades.
Once or twice, the pipes froze and broke on the Traveling Market.
We learned to journey south at the first hint of frost.
Stellan eventually breaks the silence. “Is it true Jude apologized to you?”
I wonder how long he’s been meaning to ask me that.
I smile. “Perri made him do it.”
Stellan laughs. “Of course he did… Meddling little shit.”
To my surprise, he’s grinning. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him really smile, much less whatever this is. His entire face lights up, and he looks five years younger. I slow the car around a bend to keep my eyes on him.
“So this is the side of you only Perri can usually see,” I say. “He’s a lucky bastard.”
Stellan’s smile falls, and he glares at me. But if I’m not mistaken, he’s blushing. He brandishes the map, then growls, “Turn right.”
I chuckle and swerve.
Interstate 5 has been cleared by survivors a long time ago, the cars and trucks stolen, dismantled for parts, or pushed off the road.
Their rusty shells are a reminder of a long-dead civilization, one neither Stellan nor I have known personally.
And it’s a mercy. Some of the older traveling merchants reminisce about the past, and they can never seem to let it go.
It weighs them down like shackles, stopping them from fully committing to the present.
I am a by-product of the Rise and the end of humanity’s reign. There would be no place for me in the old world.
The asphalt of Interstate 5 is cracked and the potholes are large enough to swallow a tire, but you can still drive at fifty miles per hour if you’re careful, and make good time.
In only a few hours, we’re already driving past the ruins of the city of Sacramento.
We meet two vehicles on the way, but they speed away from us.
My truck is quite impressive, and it spells danger to anyone who has survived this long in the wastelands.
By nightfall, we look for a place to spend the night. We get off the interstate and through a small and decrepit town that the apocalypse might have improved. I’m about to take us to the open land beyond the town when Stellan points to a wooden caravan by a broken-down casino.
“Isn’t that Johnny and Anna’s caravan?” he says.
I nod and stop the truck nearby. I would recognize the ugly paint job anywhere.
Johnny calls himself an artist, and he painted the ugliest animals I’ve ever seen on the walls of their home.
Perri showed me pictures of medieval depictions of animals a few weeks ago and told me with a laugh that Johnny was just born a few centuries too late, and his art would have been all the rage back then.
“Let’s spend the night with them. We’ll be able to rest longer with the extra pairs of eyes to help keep watch,” I say.
We grab our guns and the truck’s key and jump out. I call Johnny and Anna’s names, but no answer. Everything is quiet. We circle around the caravan, but nothing seems amiss.
I wrinkle my nose. It smells of sour sweat and unwashed bodies. Not surprising in the wastelands, but it’s still bothersome for my sensitive sense of smell. I wish I could bury my nose in Stellan’s neck to escape the stench, but I doubt he’d let me.
“I’m going to check the building,” I say.
Stellan nods and goes to look at the truck pulling the caravan.
Broken glass crunch under my boots as I make my way towards the casino’s entrance.
A good part of the ceiling is missing, probably destroyed by an old god walking by, and the crystal chandelier swings precariously from the remaining plaster.
The tables and chairs were cleared away a long time ago to leave room for some long-dead survivors who found shelter here during the first days after the Rise, judging by the trash littering the place and the moldy blankets.
“Anna? Johnny?” I call.
No answer.
But I can hear someone breathing on my right, behind the slot machines. These have been broken open like oysters by someone who thought money might still be useful one day. Did they survive long enough to realize human civilization as they knew it was dead and buried?
I raise my gun just as the person hiding behind the machines tries to rush me.
She’s a middle-aged woman with half of her teeth missing and scraggly hair.
Definitely not Anna. She brandishes a machete and goes for my neck, but I dodge her attack easily.
I kick her down to the dusty floor and stomp on her leg. The bone cracks, and she screams.
“Stay down,” I say. “What have you—”
But my question dies mid-sentence as I hear gunshots from outside. I leave my quarry behind to rush out.
I find Stellan on the floor with a man on top of him, brandishing a knife, and I see red.