Chapter 13 #2
‘If you insist on knowing every last detail, I bumped into that lovely lady who looks after the cottage, Rita. I was standing at the front door trying to get a phone signal to call you when she arrived with some eggs and said that you’d come here.
It’s only a few miles down the road so I thought I’d try to surprise you. ’
‘You’ve certainly done that,’ Jules muttered.
‘And isn’t it a lovely place?’ Beulah extolled, swivelling her head from left to right. ‘Such fabulous energy.’
Jules rolled her eyes.
‘And talking of energy, that cottage of yours is very special; the way it sits in the landscape with the hills on one side and the fields leading down to the water on the other. It nestles. Do move on to the bench, Julianna. You’re making me anxious sitting there.
I mean, it’s obviously very grounding and you must need earth energy, but those ants look as if they might bite.
This bench has plenty of room for the three of us. ’
Beulah extended a hand and Jules allowed herself to be helped up to perch on the end.
‘I can tell it’s a healing place,’ Beulah continued, ‘although it’s obviously got a way to go so far as you are concerned.’
‘Thanks, Mum! You know just how to make me feel better.’
Beulah reached some sticky fingers up to Jules’s face and stroked her cheek.
‘I must come over and introduce myself to the spirits of Hideaway Cottage.’
‘There aren’t any spirits, Mum.’
Beulah frowned.
‘That’s not what Caroline told me.’
‘I-I just told your mum about the blanket I found in front of the range and the tea caddy under the floorboards with the little lock of hair and the baby’s rattle and…’
Sorry, she mouthed at Jules.
‘Oh, there are definitely spirits,’ Beulah insisted. ‘Welcoming ones. I felt they welcomed me as I stood in the garden. They have welcomed you, Julianna. You just won’t acknowledge it.’
‘Talking of welcomes,’ Carrie said tentatively, ‘do you have somewhere to stay, Beulah? Guy and I have a spare room if you haven’t booked in anywhere.’
‘How kind.’
Yes, Jules thought, how amazingly kind.
Beulah threw Carrie her most beatific smile, the one which irritated Jules to no end because no one could fail to be charmed by it.
‘You don’t need to worry, either of you. I’ve made plans.’
Jules realised she was gripping the side of the wooden bench, the edge of the roughly sawn wood grazing her fingers.
‘I’ve arranged to stay with my friend, Claudia… I mean Jo, as she is called now,’ she said, her voice dropping to a whisper. ‘It will be the first time I’ve seen her for years. We have a lot to catch up on.’
She turned to Jules again.
‘So, I won’t be crowding you, my darling, but I’ll be just down the road whenever you need me. Won’t that be wonderful?’
Jules felt her lungs expand a little.
‘That will be… astonishing.’
Beulah beamed.
‘I knew you’d be pleased to see me,’ she said. ‘Your sister said not to come, but a mother has to follow her instincts and here I am.’
‘Yes, Mum,’ Jules said with a wan smile. ‘Here you are.’
‘I thought she was going to be staying here,’ Jules said as Carrie dropped her off at the cottage. ‘Thanks for stepping in.’
‘Turns out I wasn’t needed anyway,’ Carrie replied.
‘Do you think she’ll be here for breakfast?’ Jules asked.
‘Maybe. Jo gets up pretty early and heads to the Longstone most days.’
‘That means Mum will be up with the lark, too.’ She groaned. ‘Why did she have to come?’
Carrie put an arm around her shoulders.
‘Because she loves you, Jules. That’s why. Don’t be too hard on her.’
‘I’ll try not to be.’
‘I’d get an early night though, just in case she’s calling in here at some ungodly hour.’
‘I will, but first there’s something I need to do.’
‘Phoebe. It’s Jules.’
‘Hi! Yes, I do recognise my own sister’s voice.’
‘Sorry, it’s just a while since we’ve spoken and a lot has happened and…’
‘We spoke outside your front door a couple of weeks ago. At least, I spoke and you refused to say anything apart from go away. Mum’s been really upset.’
‘Did you know she’s here?’
Of course she knew. They told each other nearly everything.
‘For what it’s worth, I tried to dissuade her, but she’s worried about you. We both are.’
‘Your dissuading didn’t work.’
Jules hadn’t meant to sound snappy, but it came out that way.
‘You know Mum once she’s got an idea in her head. How are you?’
‘Okay. Better than I was. Still up and down. You?’
Phoebe made a muffled sound at the end of the phone.
‘Phoebes? Are you crying?’
Jules couldn’t remember the last time she’d heard her sister cry. Was it at Dad’s funeral when they’d both had to virtually carry Beulah down the aisle of the church as her knees sagged beneath her elegant crepe de chine black dress? Since then, if Phoebe had cried, she’d kept it to herself.
‘Sorry. Stupid. My period’s started. A bit over-emotional. We’re trying for a baby, and every month is an utter nightmare.’
‘Oh, Phoebe. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.’
‘Really? I’m amazed Mum hasn’t over-shared with you.’
‘She hasn’t. I promise. How long have you been trying?’
‘Eighteen months. A very long eighteen months. I always thought I’d conceive really easily. Took it for granted.’
‘Perhaps you ought to get checked out.’
‘Been there. Done that. Both of us. Told everything is fine. Except it’s not.’
‘How’s Giles?’
‘Stoically bearing the brunt of my moods.’
‘You’re solid, you two, though.’
‘I hope so. You never know until you’re put under real pressure, do you?’
‘Come off it, Giles is perfect for you. I knew it as soon as I met him.’
‘Maybe,’ Phoebe said, softly sobbing. ‘Maybe if I can’t give him a baby, I’m not perfect for him.’
‘You mustn’t think like that. Lots of people have difficulties and end up with families of their own. I see it all the time at work. Don’t give up hope. Have you thought about IVF?’
‘I’m not sure I can cope with that at the moment, and I know people who’ve been through it and ended up splitting because of the strain.
Sometimes I think Giles would be okay if we didn’t have children.
He’s talked about getting a dog and he’s bought a new circular saw ready to build a chicken run.
He’s never particularly wanted animals before. ’
‘Well, maybe it wouldn’t be a bad idea,’ Jules said, gently. ‘Take your mind off…’
‘Nothing,’ Phoebe said, vehemently, ‘nothing will take my mind off it. It’s there when I wake up, it’s there when I go to sleep.
It’s like this massive black hole in my life, and do you know how guilty that makes me feel?
I have this wonderful husband and a great job and a nice house and great friends and amazing holidays and I shouldn’t complain, but it’s a need, Jules, a yearning, and I can’t ignore it. ’
She paused to blow her nose.
‘You’ve never felt like that, have you?’
‘No.’
‘I try to imagine you being with me when I give birth, but I’m just not good at visualising and I’m scared that means it will never happen.’
‘It doesn’t mean that at all,’ Jules reassured. ‘You’ll work it out, Phoebes. Together. Like you always do. You’re a team, you and Giles.’
‘Thanks. I’m really sorry about Gavin.’
Jules bit her lip.
‘I thought he might be the one. Just shows what a good judge of character I am.’
‘Has it occurred to you that you’ve had a lucky escape?’
‘If you’d said that a few days ago I’d have shouted at you, but now, after some time here, I do know that.’
‘Are you okay over there, on your own?’
‘I’m not on my own. I’ve got Carrie nearby and there’s Rita just around the corner and her granddaughter, Tasha, and Lance who runs the pottery and his daughter, Erin, and The Major and Jo – and now I’ve got Mum just down the road. At least she’s not staying with me, thank goodness.’
‘Sounds as if you’ve got a whole sea of supporters.’
‘I hadn’t thought of it like that, but yes, I suppose I have.’
‘I’m here for you, too, Jules, if you need me. I’m sorry about offloading when you’ve got your own problems.’
‘It’s fine. When I come back to the mainland, perhaps we could meet up, have some lunch, do some sisterly things?’
‘I’d like that. And Jules, I know that Mum can be suffocating, but she does love us.’
‘I know.’
‘What are you doing this evening?’
Jules looked around the sitting room, at the squashy sofa, the pile of magazines on the coffee table, the fire laid and ready to be lit if the temperature dropped.
‘The wind’s getting up here and it’s gone a bit colder so I’m going to snuggle down, see what’s on the TV and have a nice quiet evening. Doesn’t sound like party girl me, does it?’
‘No, but it sounds perfect for where you are now,’ Phoebe said.
‘All part of the new me,’ Jules replied.
‘I’m going to pour myself a glass of something non-alcoholic and drink to that. The new Jules in the right place at the right time with the right people around her.’
And when she put it like that, Jules thought, it sounded incredibly settling.