Chapter 26 #2
“Thanks,” she accepted, before looking – again – at Juliet. Darcy deliberately met and held Juliet’s gaze with her own. “And thanks for coming tonight.”
“Of course,” Juliet responded, her lips curling into a smile that made Darcy’s own drop. “Happy to be here; it’s a big night.”
That was not any sort of smile Juliet ever gave her. It wasn’t even the sharp, mean one she’d had months ago directed at her, but it was also so far from the typical smile Darcy was now on the receiving end of, she almost didn’t even want to label it as a “smile.”
She did her best to shake that feeling off, but it wasn’t easy.
“So… did you end up finishing The Blackthorne House?” Darcy asked, referencing one of the books she’d recommended to Juliet that she’d started to read last week.
The last they’d talked, Juliet was nearly done and she hadn’t wanted to admit how much she’d gotten into it.
Darcy had to goad her, coax it out of her.
Juliet’s expression was impassive, as she tilted her head as if needing to reach into her thoughts to determine what Darcy was talking about. “Oh. No, I just was so–” She fluttered her hand through the air. “Busy the last couple of days. You know how it goes.”
“Right,” she stated, flatly, digging her teeth into her cheek. Hurt and frustration lanced through her, making her press her crossed arms even tighter against her chest.
Robbie swooped in, lightly rubbing his hand over Juliet’s hip. “Plus, I only just got back from traveling this past week, so we’ve been spending a lot of time together.”
She aimed a hard stare at Juliet, locked onto her eyes. Minutely, Juliet lifted her eyebrows, but other than that, gave nothing away other than that placid smile on her lips. Darcy didn’t know it would be possible to miss Juliet taking a jab at her, but it was much preferable to whatever this was.
“I bet,” she muttered, before swallowing tightly and shifting to look at Robbie again. “Anyway. I’m going to grab a drink. Hope you enjoy the album.”
With that, she walked stiffly past them, grinding her jaw.
She wasn’t a moron; she understood that this Juliet wasn’t the real Juliet. She got that – for whatever reason – Juliet was playing a part. She knew very well that Juliet was a lesbian and that Robbie was gay and that their physical affection here meant nothing behind the scenes.
But now, mixing with that anxiety that was ringing through her entire body, she was hurt. In that bone-deep, gnawing kind of way that she knew she’d be feeling all night.
Darcy reached up and rubbed her temples firmly as she used her key card to unlock her hotel room door.
The album had officially launched. The party downstairs had dwindled, splitting from the very suitable party by the label into multiple after-parties. Several of which were going to be right here in this hotel.
As soon as she slipped into her room, she felt herself being pressed back against the door. Even before she could switch on the lights, she felt Juliet’s lips on hers.
Her kiss was warm and wanting, her hands sliding down to grip at Darcy’s hips. She both heard and felt Juliet’s long, low hum into her mouth, and it vibrated throughout Darcy’s entire body.
Her first reaction, her initial instinct, was to give herself over to it. It was so easy to do that with Juliet. It was what they did.
Or… it was what they had done?
It wasn’t like there was a single moment Darcy could pinpoint, not like there was a hookup that came to her mind where things had dramatically shifted. Because it hadn’t, not necessarily.
Even when they’d first had sex, they’d been aligned. They might not have been emotionally close, but they were totally in agreement with what they’d been doing. What they’d been seeking in one another.
Right now, Juliet’s tongue toyed with hers and the sensation made her shudder, and the feeling of Juliet’s fingers sliding back to grip at her ass had Darcy’s hips rocking against her.
She could try to give herself over to that, to the purely physical response Juliet could elicit from her.
But for the first time since they’d started doing this, she didn’t want to. For the first time, she felt so misaligned with Juliet, it made her ache.
Darcy shook her head, breaking from their kiss, as she brought her own hands up and firmly pressed against Juliet’s waist – where Robbie had been touching all night, at Darcy’s album release party, the supremely unhelpful, weird little goblin voice she’d never really heard before in the back of her mind supplied – and pushed her back a step.
Needing to get a physical separation, needing to be able to take a breath without inhaling Juliet’s scent.
She steeled herself against the wanting, disapproving whine that Juliet let out, because those sounds – where Juliet was so expressive about needing Darcy – were one of her weaknesses.
“What was that about?” She asked, getting right into it. Better to rip off the Band-Aid.
She blindly reached out and flicked at the lights, squinting when they turned on at full brightness.
Juliet blinked her eyes open as well, her lips a little kiss-swollen already, moving into a frown. “What was what about?”
Darcy’s mouth fell open, offense cutting right through the desire Juliet had been able to so easily work up. “Gee, I don’t know. Maybe whatever the hell happened downstairs earlier?”
In an instant, Juliet’s eyes flashed in understanding, and she pursed her lips.
“You came up to me in public, while I was here with Robbie,” Juliet settled on, even though it seemed for a moment like there was something else she wanted to say.
“What did you want from me? I was being – I was perfectly polite to you.”
Unable to stay there, still against the door, Darcy surged up, pushing past Juliet and walking farther into her room as she pointed out, “It’s not like I walked up and kissed you; I was saying hi.
Making basic conversation. And what I’d expected was for you to treat me like a real person.
Not a person you’re having sex with all of the time, but a person you at least know.
Everyone here knows that we’re friendly, Juliet,” she pointed out, baffled.
Not only given “Porchlight” and the big push from both of their PR teams, but Darcy had been very publicly seen at her tour!
She felt that sharp sting inside her chest coming right back to life when she pictured the way Juliet had looked at her. Like she was a fucking stranger. Like, even at her own party, she wasn’t worth Juliet’s time.
She’d put in so much work over the last several years, trying to build herself up.
Trying to work beyond her past. To work through feeling like a failure who wasn’t worth anyone’s time in school.
Working to get past her mom leaving. But…
it stung so much worse than she could have imagined, feeling like she wasn’t even worth Juliet’s attention, tonight, at her own album release party.
Juliet’s jaw was clenched so tightly, Darcy could see the muscle jumping. “There were a lot of people here tonight, Darcy. People who need to believe a certain image when it comes to us.”
What did that even mean?
“Again, it’s not like I was coming onto you,” she shot back, tossing her hands up into the air as if it could help her expel her agitated confusion.
“The only thing almost anyone in the room could see was us having a normal conversation. Which I did with almost everyone else there tonight. How could someone get the wrong impression of us when you were glued to Robbie’s side all night?
What, are you going to tell me that he doesn’t know about us? ”
Because she knew he did! She knew Juliet and Robbie had an agreement of transparency between them when they slept with people, so neither of them could ever be blindsided.
“It’s not about Robbie,” Juliet gritted back between obviously clenched teeth.
“The only other people standing even somewhat close to us were your mom and stepdad,” she shot back, exasperated.
She didn’t even know if they could have heard the stilted, uncomfortable “conversation” from where they’d stood, but they’d definitely been the only people close enough to even sense the vibe.
Juliet was very publicly affiliated with her parents. Darcy had seen her in commercials over the years for Harrison Jacobs’ businesses. She didn’t automatically assume Juliet’s mom and stepdad knew about Darcy, specifically, but –
As she really stared at Juliet, the way her cheeks were flushed, and her lips were rolled so tightly into a thin line, she realized, “They don’t know that you’re not really with Robbie?”
“You didn’t tell your sister about you and I sleeping together until a few weeks ago,” Juliet shot back, oddly defensive.
“Yeah,” she agreed, slowly. “But there’s a big difference between your parents knowing about us, and your parents believing you’ve been in a relationship with Robbie Calder for… what, eight years?”
God, that was – that was so wild. Even if Juliet’s parents didn’t know all of her truths, stumbling over this, that they didn’t even know her pretend boyfriend was pretend, for the better part of a decade was staggering.
Staggering enough to make some of Darcy’s ire start to fade. At least a little.
She tilted her head, the hand she’d been agitatedly twisting one of her rings with coming to a pause, as she studied Juliet. As she really looked at her and wondered how deeply this desperate need for an image could possibly go.
“Darcy,” Juliet’s voice was dark and glittering, but there was an undercurrent of something lurking just below the surface that Darcy couldn’t place. “I fail to see how that is any of your business.”
“Well, it kind of felt like my business when you were kissing me like I was supplying your oxygen a few minutes ago?”
“That has nothing to do with my family, and you know it. That’s… physical,” Juliet, at the very least, seemed to struggle to find the appropriate word to describe them.
And still, it landed like a harsh blow inside of Darcy, slamming painfully in her chest.
“Okay, fine. Maybe that had just been physical. But what about the fact that you spent the entire day with my family?” She pushed, taking a step closer to Juliet. “That wasn’t just physical. I told you about my mom. That –” Her breath caught. “That wasn’t physical,” she managed out.
Juliet angled up her chin, her eyebrows deeply furrowed. “You invited me to spend time with your family. You chose to tell me about your mom. Those were your choices. And it doesn’t mean I’m obligated to share with you all of the nitty-gritty details about my personal life.”
Darcy’s stomach crashed down to land at her feet, her throat feeling tight. So tight, it hurt to swallow through it. Which was stupid. When she thought about it, when she zoomed out and scanned over their entire relationship, she’d been stupid.
Not because Juliet had ever promised her anything, and not because she even wanted her to.
But because – when she really thought about it – Juliet hadn’t opened up to Darcy the way Darcy had to her. Even the things she’d discovered, like about Juliet’s visits to the children’s hospital or how she liked to fence with Laura, were things she’d happened upon.
“You’re right,” she managed to get out, her voice sounding like gravel to her own ears. “You don’t owe me anything.”
Was this the part about falling for someone that tore people up so badly? Realizing that you never really knew if they felt the same, even when it seemed like they did?
It all made so much more sense now. Darcy supposed she really had been onto something with how she’d structured her life before all of this. Because this feeling… really, really sucked.
“I wanted to be with you tonight so badly. Like… I was looking forward to it more than this release party,” she confessed.
Even though her voice was quiet, it seemed to echo in the room around them.
“Because even before we were sleeping together, you were somehow the one thing that hit at the right part in my brain, the part that made me stop thinking about everything else. About my music being perfect, about making sure I’m showing up and being successful enough for Blythe and Emerson.
Even when we were feuding or whatever, you cut through everything else, and tonight – when I’m so anxious I feel like I’m about to crawl out from my own skin – I have been craving you so badly.
Wanting you. Looking forward to this moment.
” She lifted her hand, gesturing at Juliet. “When it was you and me, alone.”
Juliet’s lips parted, her breath tremulous, her defensive anger clearly fading a little bit if the tension leaving from her shoulders was an indication.
Darcy reached up, firmly rubbing over her eyes which felt like they were stinging. “Look, I’m not delusional enough to think we’re actually in a relationship. I don’t even know what that would mean or what it would look like. But I did think I was a part of your personal life.”
In the resounding silence that consumed them after she spoke, all Darcy could hear was her own heartbeat thundering in her ears.
Finally, when she was sure she was back in control of herself, when she was sure she wasn’t going to cry, she lowered her hand, and stared – feeling totally hollow – at Juliet. “I’m going to go.”
With that, she pointedly kept enough space between them that they didn’t brush as she walked past Juliet toward the door.
“Darcy, wait.” Juliet’s voice sounded like it jumped from her throat without permission.
“Just – stop. First, this is your hotel room. Second, tonight was a… weird night for me.” She winced, deeply.
“I’m sorry about how off everything was earlier.
Can we just – can we have the night we’d planned to?
I can make you forget about your stress and your anxiety. I want that.”
Darcy wanted, like deeply wanted, to agree. And the crazy thing was that she could hear it in Juliet’s voice that she wanted it, too.
But that was the thing. Could she hear the longing in Juliet’s voice, or was she reading into it? And how could she possibly know if Juliet wouldn’t open up at least a little more to her?
She paused, turning around to look at Juliet. “Are you going to talk to me about why tonight was weird?”
At that, Juliet’s jaw sharply closed again, her lips tightening.
Which was all the answer Darcy needed. She let out a tremulous breath as she nodded. “You aren’t obligated to tell me everything. And I’m not obligated to be with you tonight when I actually, somehow, feel worse standing here with you than I did before.”